No sex, really?  Was it really a matter of “just drifted apart”? NO! It was a matter of the each of you thinking what you wanted was more important then the others thoughts. Lavish=Ravish.  Your wife wants you to mow the lawn, you want to watch the game. Compromise! If both of you would just give a little more of your hearts, and less of your pride – you’d be having sex right now! Forget the game – that’s what TIVO is for. Lawn still might not get done till sunset, but you won’t be so grouchy doing it later. Again, LAVISH = RAVISH. Sex is human nature. Everyone enjoys it, if it is done right. Quit thinking of what you want and think about what the couple needs. If it isn’t getting you the results that you are wanting, then maybe you need to investigate what is working against you. Regardless of what she says, it can be handled. Most women are more into the romance factor of it than the physical nature of it. Women want their hearts to be touched even more than their pants (one for the other though)….men just want their bodies touched. Men are too masculine to let their romantic side show; however, most don’t realize that it is what will change a woman from a prude to a cougar. Just a little attention, that is all that it takes. Usually if you ask a couple about their sex lives, the honest answers would be different with what they tell you and what they feel. Women want to know that you actually care about their wants, needs, and feelings. If you can’t get there, then maybe you need more time to work on it. Not saying to let your wife gripe and whine all the time, but acknowledge that she is or isn’t happy with something. Ask her what can change, and actually listen to her. It is all about give/take. The whole “If I can touch you there, you will let me touch you here.” Wow, that didn’t come out quite as I meant it. Substitute there for heart and here for body parts. Sex is sooo much better now than when I was younger, because I am more in touch with his needs  now. I can let myself do whatever he wants because I know what I want, and can ask for it in return. Lavish/Ravish,  just depends on where your heart is.

llewelling llewelling
36-40, F
21 Responses Feb 10, 2010

Gee, if only I had read this before I left my refusing husband, maybe my marriage would have been SAVED! Oh, wait, no that wouldn't have worked because according the OP, it's only women that refuse. Hmm, maybe I imagined it all...

llewelling -Get off your high horse. If your marriage is so good than why aren't you spending time with your husband instead of posting on a topic you know nothing about, and have no empathy towards?

I wanted to flag this biotch, but then I realized people like her need to feel all high and mighty by "hoping" to make others feel bad.<br />
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Control freak= refuser! Lavish that!

People like this poster SCARE me!! She thinks we are scary . . ? Wow! She is truly frightening!!<br />
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NO empathy<br />
NO emotional intelligence<br />
NO humility<br />
NO knowledge<br />
NO capacity to understand what is being said to her<br />
NO recognition of how absurd her proposals are<br />
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I'm wondering just how her poor unfortunate husband copes with such a spouse . . ? Do you think he is actually a poster here? I suspect this OP may be one of the spouses - her attitude is certainly similar to many of the Refusers . . .

oh for the love of - "jealous much?"<br />
WTF?<br />
I venture to guess that while you enjoy a happy marriage and seek to help others do so, your own style of communication creates more problems in your marriage than you are presently aware of.<br />
I almost wonder if you dont have your spouse whipped into being a non-person to please you.<br />
Good for you.<br />
You are happy. <br />
But you are not here to help anyone. You are here seeking praise for your "obvious" superiority with marriage. <br />
We give praise where praise is due.

Wow. llewelling.. I am with all the other commentors here. I have only been married 2.5 years. But all those things you talk about.. dont work for some people. We did those things all the time before we got married. Id come home and there would be flowers.. I even mowed the lawn a few times to help him out (after we got married). No your suggestions do not help us. And oh by the way I am a WOMAN that is refused my her HUSBAND. How do you think that makes me feel. I know I am damn cute and it kills me when I tried and he would not follow through. Why should a wife have to throw herself at her husband. Why were you even in this forum?

ROFLMAO. What a Troll. sounds like someone (OP) is having a bad day and decided to get snarky with a group that they know nothing about and have no desire to get to know or understand the lives they are living. Let's all just hope that some day her SO doesn't decide he dislikes her pettiness and no longer finds certain aspects of her looks / personality distasteful and no longer touches or kisses or any of the other things a spouse is supposed to do with her. But then again with her holier than thou and I am perfect and you are all beneath me attitude she is more likely to be the refuser in that union. Wow some people just give me a case of the giggles.

After reading your last comment…you really have not read anything in this area. Don't tell us to stop whining and start doing when we've all 'started doing' 1,000 times before to no avail. All that is left is a little whining and hopefully some commiseration and help. You, my friend, are no help. You're thoughts are shallow compared to the pain we feel and help we need.<br />
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If only you could ask all of our refusers to work on our marriages every day everything would be just peachy-keen. Yes, we are all part of the problem, but we have also been trying to be PART OF OUR SOLUTIONS TOO! Please do not talk down to the people who KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THE MARRIAGE and are TRYING TO FIX IT!<br />
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Next time bring a magic wand to make all of our problems go away. This would be about as helpful as what you've already tried.

Remembered all the anniversaries (ie: day we met 15 YEARS LATER, day I asked her to marry me 15 YEARS LATER, first date, etc. - ALL THE LITTLE ONES!) Bought flowers - 11 sets of 11 roses on our 11th anniversary. Gave her a little stuffed black bear on our 13th anniversary - JUST LIKE THE ONE I SURPRISED HER WITH IN THE LIMO WHEN I ASKED HER TO MARRY ME. I've done more little things over the years to show I cared and loved her only to be let down almost every single time. And, it wasn't always buying her things (so don't even go there).<br />
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I cook almost every day. I clean the kitchen after I cook. I take care of the kids - and drop off all 3 of them every day to school. I fold laundry. I mow the lawn. I take the cars in for oil changes. I check homework. I feed the dog. I don't do everything - she does plenty too. Basically, I am not a slacker, and you are telling me to give more? Screw you. I don't care if you think your heart is in the right place - I am tired of trying. I am tired of it 'not being enough'. I was the only one making any kind of advances in our relationship for years. Over time, the advances have been fewer and far between.<br />
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Tell you what - you come cook for me and mow my lawn and I'll give you all the time in the world. Until then, understand the position we are all in instead of lecturing us about what we all have tried… YEARS AGO!

LMAO, wow, you guys are really scary. I have kids, both my husband and I work full time, and we live REAL lives; but we know that only 2 halves make a whole. Instead of blaming the other half, what do you need to do to make yourself into a more loveable person? Maybe they are just reacting to your shortcomings. I know that I am worth it, and so does he. We have been married for 17 1/2 years, and I still get butterflies when I see him. Jealous much, yes, I realize that most of you are. Find something in yourself that is truly worth sharing, and the marriage will become easy. If you truly are that frustrated in the marriage, then let that person get on with being happy in their lives by being apart from you. That may be all it takes - getting away from you! Don't hate me because I found the love of my life, and work on my marriage every day. Sorr y that your life sucks as bad as it does, but sounds like you bring it on yourself. Life only changes when you stop whining and start doing.

The OP also perpetuates the myth that it is always the WOMAN refusing . . . Her entire post is directed to men. Llwelling, I am intrigued to know WHY you posted in this forum? It is not an experience of your's according to your profile. You obviously have not read any of the stories or forum posts here. You appear to know nothing whatsoever about the topic - BUT you feel qualified to offer advice.. . . . <br />
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I'm sure you are well intentioned, but please understand how patronising it is to offer advice on a subject you know NOTHING about. It is quite insulting to those of us who DO know what this experience is all about.<br />
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I'm sure you didn't mean to insult anyone - but perhaps you need to stop and think before offering advice. It is not always appropriate - or welcome.

Thank you for this post, today was a hard day for me. I can honesty say reading your post gave me the best laugh I have had in a long time. The only thing better than your post are the comments it received LOL.

AHHH, if only it could be that simple! The problem is that we know firsthand that not all people enjoy sex. Thanks for trying to help anyway.

llewelling,<br />
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konaprincess is the voice of reason on your story. <br />
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I also believe that you are trying to be helpful but I don't think you have spent much time reading and understanding the multitude of posts from this group. So many of the people here have explained and articulated their situations so succinctly with such carefully chosen words that if you take care to read them I am sure that most of what you have said you would wish to revise. <br />
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As Daypassion points out it doesn't seem like you are living in a sexless marriage. If you had been then you would have found out from experience that your suggestions, however well intentioned, just do not work.<br />
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However I would like to thank you for trying to offer us the salvation which we are all seeking.

Don't you love it when someone posts the answer to our sexless marriages without reading some of the stories first.

When your biggest complaint in life is cleaning the cat box... you are unlikely to "get" sexless marriage issues... be nice if you would save your comments for the "I Hate Cleaning the Litterbox" group though.

llewelling -<br />
I assume you have your heart in the right place and are trying to help. BUT most of us on this forum are here because the marriage/partnership is one-sided. In other words, we know that there are problems in our relationships both in and outside of the bedroom, but our spouses will not work with us to resolve those problems. We have all tried being a better mate - doing more housework, setting up more romantic outings, wearing sexy clothes. These simple ideas do not work because our spouses have real emotional issues that turn them away from sex.

Daypassion,<br />
Are you living my life? Same thing, different marriage. As far as the original post, this is obviously someone not actually living in a sexless marriage!

well put.....ah, but 'sex' seems to be on the last page of 'to dos'...Kids, Homework, Housework, etc, etc...are always top priority....and what I've been told is that 'Sex isn't important...and she doesnt need it..."

*facepalm* you two...

I know where my heart is.