When Is Enough Enough?!

I've been apart of this board on and off for several yrs now and unfortunately nothing has changed, except that I have finally sought out a therapist who literally thinks my husband is an absolute idiot! I have listed my story here and you can find it on my profile I believe, so I won't get into the whole story again, but basically I'll sum it up. I've lived in a "Sexless" or "Sexual Dysfunctional" marriage for over 4 yrs now and nothing will ever change! When I say "Sexual Dysfunctional" what I mean is, when we do have sex on occasion its unfufilling, no emphasis on pleasing me what so ever. Now, granted when you go so long without sex yes there are times when you just want to skip the foreplay and go right to it! However what has always had me perplexed with my husband, (other than the lack of sex) is the lack of desire to please me and bring me to my climax! The sex we have lasts basically 1 min if I'm lucky! So, dealing with that, then there is the constant fighting with my anger towards him and all the pent up frustration thats been building for years! How does one deal with that? I sleep in the other room, which I really enjoy now, but how do you deal with everything else? The only time when we ever really communicate is when we are either drinking, or we have our days when we don't want to fight and we pretend to have "normalcy" which is so far from the truth! Its like being roomates with the occasional "loneliness" that causes one of us to cave in and we have a "romantic" encounter only to go back to the same pathetic way things were before! So, when does it ever end?!

My therapist calls my situation a "Temporary problem" only because I have 2 small children and leaving now would be very difficult. So, what do I do in the meantime? Thought about having an affair, but would that solve anything or complicate things for me? I do have an interested party which I teeter back and fourth with the idea, but i just am unsure. My therapist said if I'm going to have an affair I need to find someone who will care for me, one who will hold me afterwards instead of it being just about "sex." However he says, and I agree, that if I find that person, I'm the type to fall in love which will present all kinds of bigger problems at this time. Right now we are snowed in and I'm reminded of just how much I loath him! He hasn't appreciated me in years and I am absolutely tired of it! I want more and deserve better! This marriage is like being stuck in an never ending nightmare that can't wake up from and its killing me. Too much anger has built up to ever be the same! The love (if it was ever there) is way gone!

So, until I can leave what do I do in the meantime?!

sexdeprived sexdeprived
31-35, F
9 Responses Feb 10, 2010

Take your therapist up on the offer about how to help you get out. Make a plan and jump.<br />
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Your H isn't going to change. <br />
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Don't feel badly about wanting a joint custody arrangement or even giving him full custody of the children. What is in their best interests and YOUR best interests.<br />
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Being a single mother is not a path I would like to take.<br />
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Before you jump into a relationship with an OM, be okay with who you are. If you do, you'll be making those same mistakes all over again.

Wow, some really powerful comments here, thank you for taking the time to reply. First all, yes I am a SAHM, however I do have my degree and have been out in the working world, in fact thats where I'd like to be right now, but am told "Its too expensive for daycare," which is understandable. The thing is, and I neglected to mention is when we met I had just gone though a divorce and had my own house, had a decent job and was trying to make a life for my 2 boys. Honestly, I wasn't ready to settle down with anyone because I knew after the divorce that I needed to get back on my feet again. But, he seem to really push his way into our lives, especially my boys. Things were so wonderful with him in the begining, the sex was frequent, he basically treated me like a princess and treated my boys like his own, so like a fool I fell for it! I honestly was convinced I had finally found my prince! What a joke!!! I even had one of my closest friends tell me that he was a fake and if I marry him I will wake up one day and deeply regret it. He saw right through him.<br />
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Well, I didn't listen. We did argue a lot in the beginning over the issue of having children because I was happy with just having my 2 but he desperatley wanted children of his own, espcially a son, OBSESSED with having a son I personally didn't want anymore..So, to make a long story short, we had our daughter and son. Now, please do not misunderstand me, I love all my children, however, I have to admit that I have some resentment. Being stuck at home, with no career, taking care of 2 VERY ACTIVE lil ones, especially the 2 yr old! And the way I'm treated just makes it worse! Funny thing is my husband, when he's home he can't even deal with them! So, here I sit at 36 yrsold. running around after toddlers all day, changing diapers, can't even attend my 12 yr olds sons basketball games because the 2 yr old is running all over the place screaming! I just feel that I need more.<br />
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I feel trapped, unappreciated by my husband, he could care less how I'm feeling! I've told him many of times that I need to get out that the kids were really getting to me and I just can't deal with it anymore! So, thats why I'm seeing a therapist and the first thing I told him is: "I just want to get in my car and just drive far far away!" I am so sick of this crap! This is not how I imagined my life! And I'm sure people may judge me for saying this, but I have seriously considered doing "split custody," so that its equal between us, or another arrangement. I just don't have it in me to raise them by myself, I just don't! But, he doesn't seem like he wants to be bothered with it either.<br />
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The good thing is, I have a really good therapist, and he has told me I am sitting in a good position with having a degree when some women don't, which makes it harder for them. He has also told me when I am ready he will literally walk me though the process, and can even help me with the job thing with his connections, especially since thats my field. And, he doesn't judge me when I tell him I'm unsure of what to do with the lil ones. So, my next appt. with him is next week, and its time to get serious and get a plan developed. I wish things could have worked out with my husband, however, I don't see him ever changing, I just simply think he could care less, he's inlove with the "idea of being" married, NOT me! His actions speak volumes! And its really pathetic when the sex that is so infrequent ends in less than a min, but when asked to be pleased, I get "No, I'm just not feeling it." So, knowing that, I cannot promise I will not desire the attention from another man, who can blame me?!<br />
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Sorry I've written a book, thanks for listening!

SexDeprived:<br />
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Okay - you're a SAHM? You are NOT employed? Is that how I am reading your situation? It's all easy and swell for people to say "Leave" "Run" "Get the heck outta dodge", etc. <br />
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HOWEVER - if you are NOT financially on your own two feet - working F/T with medical benefits, able to support you and two little ones - you are at a disadvantage. A BIG disadvantage. <br />
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My advice to you: start looking for a job. I don't care if it's shoveling turds or shoveling hamburgers or Wal-Mart. Get yourself an income - money is key to survival and well being. [this written if you are NOT employed]. Yes, I understand the child care situation. But children can adapt to childcare.<br />
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You write of disatisfaction, of the status quo, of how things have not changed. It WILL NOT GET BETTER. NONE OF THIS IS GOING TO GET BETTER. You make a decision NOW and move forward for the future. Because living in stasis can literally kill your spirit.<br />
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You asked about having an EMA. DO NOT DO IT. EMAs for MWs are an emotional downfall. When the affair ends - and they do end - the hopelessness, the despair of breaking from the OM is like nothing you have ever lived thru. An EMA is based on a fantasy. And when the fantasy ends, you do not want to be in the Pacific Trenches of pain. BTDT going thru it again.<br />
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No other person can give us what contentment inside (but let's get real - a bit of length and a back rub is nice!). I'm where you are - the only difference being my H is a SAHD and I'm the bread winner with the medical benefits (so WTF am I complaining about?)

I can say only one thing, I can live without my husband wanting to have a sex with me, but not without him appreciating me and loving me. I'll run if i was you. Mabey just for few weaks to sort your head and make decision but run all the same.

If you really want to save the marriage, you can try very hard to please him as if you two still in honey moon. Try to focus on him in bed instead of yourself. Maybe he may feel guilty and treat you nicer. Or just pray. Some times guys can be jerk. I guess it depends on which one of you is the bigger person.

Excellent question! That is pretty much the crux of it around here, no? I was very close to having an affair, but it didn't work out for a few reasons. I have since decided that I don't want to have an affair because of the hit to my own standard of ethics. But, I can also tell you that I wouldn't have felt guilty. After years of this crappy treatment, I just cannot find it in me to dredge up any guilt for "cheating" on my husband. I can absolutely understand why you would be considering it. <br />
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My children are an issue for me too. I worry about how this divorce will affect them, but in the long run I decided that I worried more how my crappy example of marriage would affect them. I am not one of those people who will try to keep my STBX from seeing the kids and I will not talk badly about him. I don't want to take him to the cleaners on child support either. I just need out to maintain my own existence as an individual. <br />
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Sorry, but the upshot is, there is no answer that fits everyone. As for how to cope if you are staying for a while, I don't really think it's possible to compensate for the way you feel in this situation. That is why we are all on ILIASM. I don't think everyone is cut out to cope for the long-term. And, if you force yourself to cope for the long-term, what effect will it have on you? <br />
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Best of luck and I'm sorry you are still in this situation.

Oh, one more thing"jbeff", he was very attentive in the begining, I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't, but things changed like a lot of marriages, but I'm not going to sit and rot!

Its not that my therapist didn't say not to leave, he just simply said it may be better to wait until the lil ones are in school. Its hard because things are only getting worse between us, and I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this. One thing is for sure he will have to step up to the plate and do more for these kids! I want a career of my own thats why I busted my butt off in college for, but instead I'm at home and I'm constantly told "Your a waisted piece of flesh!" WTH is that suppose to mean?! Ugh! I want to feel appreciated and loved! Its not working for us! I know there are better men out there, I've experienced them! I just wish I could go back in time, I would change so much!!! I am seriously thinking if if I spent some time with someone who gave me a lil attention i would feel so much better!!

I wish I could answer you question. I am in the same boat. I thought about going to see a therapist. I just dont know what I think that will do. I dont understand why yours told you not to leave? That seems wrong to me. I believe that my children will be better in a home where mommy is happy. All the tension in this house is suffocating me. I know my kids can see it. I want to have a better life for me and them.<br />
The affair situation. You sound a lot like me. Affairs are hard. You dont want to do. I think it is ok to think about it. But the interested party may not want just sex.. and if you are looking for someone to hold you and care about you (as your therapist says) why are you married to a man that isnt those things. I hope you can find the stength to do what your head tells you to do.