Sexless Or ?..

Soul Mates do not go through these issues, at least not for long.  Perhaps why we all did get married at the time we did, we all had different reasons.  A true marriage is meant to last and all issues will be worked out if the couple is truly meant to be.  Children or no children, an unhappy environment is NOT a reason to stay together.  Because then, your children grow up with feeling a burden that your unhappiness was somewhat their fault.  Sometimes we jump the gun in this thing called marriage.  Sometimes 2 individuals grow at 2 very different paces.  And it is true, we all talk about the sex on this forum, but we are implying all the intimacy and sound interaction of a wonderful relationship as part of or natural process to having sex, with the person you "love".  I guarantee you, when we look at sex only, we can stray and have 'sex' only and still feel empty, because it was only sex. 

Which brings us to the real dilemna, it is not the sex we truly seek, but the true aspects of two people in love, which includes lovemaking.  When sex becomes a chore, perhaps we are asking too hard for it.  Not only asking our partner, but more closer to the truth, asking ourselves to just fulfill a pleasure.  When it is more than pleasure we are truly seeking.  As one who has been on the sexless path for many years in a beautiful marriage, I completely understand and identify with the feelings of rejection and the missing the feelings of love.  But I have taken a trip on another level, a little over this physical one, to discover myself and am learning new things that I can apply to life.  As soon as I focus on who I am and what my true purpose is on earth, I become an individual who shines.  That shine, inspires my mate to be interested in me and naturally, the lovely process of interchanging love, in all aspects of the word happens and it is in those moments that I realize, I have been chasing an empty ghost all this time.  I do recognize there is still a physical detachment of my mate's mind and body in terms of sexuality, but that is HER issue and only she can wish to fix it.  I on the other hand, instead of groveling and begging, just to get mercy, empty sex, realize how lame that is and look for deeper growth.  Now, if one just needs the sex for pleasure, one can get that by themselves, through spousal mercy sex or outside the house for that matter, but you will soon realize, SEX is not what you wanted.  You want true happiness and that usually involves no conditions.

My friends, focus on self-discovery and reattach yourself with your source, not only will the answers come, but perhaps your questions will change...

lonewolf11 lonewolf11
41-45, M
14 Responses Nov 16, 2007

When you lose sex in a marriage what you are truely losing is "the connection". Sex in my marriage is the ultimate sharing of myself and recieving of my husband. We don't have sex anymore and so I have felt that he is distant and I have reciprocated. Although, we have maintained civil (until recently). He is 13 years older than me and I am starting to feel resentful more missing out on life and the experiences that it has to offer. We have one child that bonds us together, but that's the extent of our connection. What does one do when attraction, intimacy, love, and lovemaking is no longer present. It is so very sad to think of living your "good years" with someone so disinteresting and well "old". No offense!

Wow, not that I am the most well adusted individual, but from here it sounds like you are torn in about three different directions:<br />
1. you desire that pure fulfillment that comes from being physically, emotionally, sexually connecte to your spouse and companion.<br />
2. in second place you desire connecting with someone on this site who feels the EXACT way you do, so that combined your monstrous and overwhelming desire for sex combined with your mutual passionate and in depth mutual understanding one another explodes into hollywood like proportions, and <br />
3. you desire to at the very least, if you cannot attain option number one, then perhaps rid yourself of what you suspect is sex worship and at least fee loved and connected to your spouse as much as possible. <br />
Now I am not freud or dr. ruth, but I think 2 is a nice dream that would eventually turn sour. I think 1 is the ideal, but definitely not guarenteed no matter how nice you are, and I think 3 is limited in its degree of fulfillment, because truly feeling loved by your spouse i think requires number 1. So where does that leave you?<br />
I dont know about you, but I am aiming at number 3 and praying over time number 1 happens. number 2 sounds really exciting, but I think eventually it would lead to the same kind of situation....

Ok... My life has been just that... for about 5 or 6 years now... <br />
On the few occasions where my wife HAS acquiesed... it's been like she wanted me to get it up, get it in, get if off and go away... it's awful. Its why I decided to quit trying to initiate anymore. Ive gotten to the point I don't want to even bother trying, because it aint worth the effort...

Another wolf... howwwwlll at ya.<br />
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It is a bit crazy thinking one can only make love all the time. I meant to put that as Number 1 experience. Great / Hott sex #2 and other sex (lame sex; self sex; paid sex; mercy sex...) a far 4th, 5th, etc. When one does not get # 1 or #2, it just sucks... Actually, I wish I would be sucking...<br />
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Question, where do you all rate one way sex, meaning sex where you get off, the other gets you off and you either don't want to, can't or won't recipricate? That to me is lame sex. How many here would be ok if they always get lame sex? Mind you, that may be considered great sex by some. <br />
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Howlllll a at cha

I am new here... reading thru past stories... trying to decide whether or not to post my own. Then I read LoneWolf11. It seems that we share more than similar Logins and Avatars... but a similar life experience with our sexuality... or lack thereof. It IS about sex... but not JUST sex. I get it. (not the sex tho... :o) )

I, too, am grappling with the "where am I in the Universe?" question. Big time. I am older then you, by a bit, and, let's face it, a woman's sexual life has concrete biological limits. And I've come smack up against the wall. Now or never for me. I've risen above the matter for most of my married life. Do I want to rise above it all the way to the end? It sure is lofty up here, but, damn, I'd love a romp in the dirt, with my mate, who I love and still turns me on. <br />
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So, It's been back to the gym and the salon and the nutrionist, full steam ahead. Last chance for me. Just call me Gloria Swanson. I'm ready for my close up, Mr. Demille.

Maybe I confused the point I was making a bit. Do not get me wrong, SEX is amazing and is needed, especially if one is a sexual person. Being in a relatively sexless marriage, I have found myself playing on the different options: self sex, paid sex, outside sex, etc. While none of them were true fulfillment because they all are at best on the second best level, because nothing compares to true 'lovemaking' Which is what we had. I suppose the closest thing to being sexually satisfied would be to find another in the same situation I am in and totally attract each other and into one another and have outstanding sex releasing all the vented up sexual energies! And w/o any strings attached, because we all have relationships.<br />
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Through the process of rejection, empty sex and self discovery, I simply shared my observation for me that what I TRULY seek is a bit deeper than what I thought I wanted, just sex. Of course, I would simply wish for things to just be the way they were. But I am understanding that is on border line fantasy, as is coming to the grips that I may never have true lovemaking with the one I love in the future. With saying that, it is more apparent that if I truly seek that kind of love, it will be with someone else and should leave this relationship. Mind you, how long will the beautiful lovemaking go for in the other one? Will that one have the possibility of going south?.. <br />
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Currently, on this road of self discovery I am controlling my lusting and day dreaming of sex, sex and more sex. I now do not think I am sexually starved, actually my spouse is, because she lost touch with her sexuallity. I have not, even though I am not having lots of sex... Ponder on that one... But, I know I am walking different, talking different, therefore attracting people differently and that may lead to a lovely natural process, versus desperately seeking someone who can drop their pants with me.<br />
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I am not on a bandwagon campaign of not having sex, I am just sharing with my community what I have discovered in the process of taking an amazing avenue of pleasure away from the foreground. <br />
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If it is just sex we need, we should be able to get that all around us, if it is more than that, the challenge is much larger.<br />
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I think we would have a better shot opening up a classified section in this community to hook up with each other, because we are all a bunch of sexual beings ready to make some sparks in bed! Nothing wrong with that, perhaps I should write the staff! LoL<br />
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Be careful my friends and seek connection to where we come from. Because we all can easily drop into a sex starve, then sex addiction reaction that can lead us to no where. I mean, how many times do we think, oh, I just want to get the first person I see and go all out. We may or may not fulfill our sexual needs and as important as those are to us, at the expense of perhaps other important needs or thresholds that we may have such as and not limiting to: disease (can one go all out on sex without knowing the other person is not infected with anything?); the other person not into you, just into either money or getting something out of you or just a zombie who says yes to anything; infidelity, what that truly means to you; getting so hungry that we are willing to cross our sexuality boundaries; hooking up with another person, common to your marriage and that surfacing and causing lots of grief on each sides of our relationships; spending lots of money, getting in debt, getting ourselves off...<br />
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Oh the prices we have to pay to try to get back the initial loving, sexual experiences we had with our loved ones... Seems a bit cruel, doesn't it.<br />
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My friends, there is really no right or wrong answer here. We need to understand where we stand as individuals in our relationships and where we stand as individuals period in the scope of life, world and the universe. <br />
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I merely suggest make it an option to understand where you are spiritually, it may enlighten you a bit, because I know for sure our mind and bodies are at an imbalance because of the sexless situation.<br />
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Think outside the box, pun intended... ;)

I kind of of understand where you are coming from BUT marriage should stay positive. If it did we wouldn't, now, be trying to work our way back to something good. If both parties entered marriage saying I will always try, because I love this person, then we would be fine.<br />
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My problem is that my husband is selfish. He has always thought that his decisions are the final word. He's having a hard time justifying this lack of sex position that he's taken because everything "normal" points to him being wrong. So now it's excuses, & they're running thin.

It was certainly when I was most happy...short lasting tho, and it has really stirred up what's missing..

They are suppose to love us... they are agreed to being there for us sexually... and we there for them... <br />
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They then get all asexual with us... leaving us high and dry to wither on the sexual vine... if ever there was an time to exclaim, "What the ****!" This is such a time.

From my viewpoint, the dilemma isn't just a matter of people who seek sex and love, or love and sex---but rather---for most of us here---that we aren't getting either! <br />
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Although you seem firmly intrenched in your analysis as is your right, your plan to adjust or adapt just wasn't enough for me. By golly, I found out that I am a sexual being; without that, it is difficult, very, very difficult, to love myself, let alone anyone else. In some ways, it's like arguing which came first, the chicken or the egg. What difference does it make? We eat them both!

This is fine for you. Very highminded. But sex IS the source of life. Sex IS what I want. Like I want air to breathe. Pure and simple. My capacity for pleasure from erotic, monagamous sex is natural to me, like walking upright on two legs. <br />
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So, should living in a sexless marriage be like being shackled to a wheel chair, so that my disabled mate can see me "shine" and find me interesting? Very noble. But a bit sick, don't you think?

I understand what you are saying here...<br />
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I do kinda still agree with LifeMat though. Its also about your mate recognizing that God made us sexual beings...and from what I understand it actually contributes or degrades our physical health depending.

interesting thoughts but sex is still a part of marriage ...