He's Picking Up His Stuff Today...

...so I'll see him for the first time since Nov, other than a couple of seconds when I dropped some things off beside his van a couple of weeks ago.  I'm not sure what I'm feeling...  resentment that the situation is such a ridiculous mess...  he has to have the police attend because of his "no contact" order.  They are only willing to give him 15 minutes of their time, so that will make things unnecessarily tense and rushed.

Because ot the time constraint his brother will be here for a while first, to gather as much stuff together on the driveway as possible.

Feeling sad...  such a complete waste of so much of both of our lives...   Finality...  once this is done, and the paperwork for the house is signed there will be no reason to see each other or speak again.  This is a person I thought of as my best friend for the past 20 years...  and over the past few months I watched that slowly be destroyed. 

My attitude toward him changed during that time, and every step I took away from caring that he no longer wanted me as a wife, brought out worse and worse behaviour in him. 

I can feel the stress reactions physically now...  the pressure in my chest, the tension across my forehead, my face and neck so tight it's hard to swallow. 

But deep inside, protected and warm, is the happiness I was feeling yesterday...  the strength that has been returning...  and the confidence that I can just stride through this...  I'm going to focus on that...   This day is only 24 hours long...  just like any other. 

I can do this...  I really don't want to, but I can!

FriendofPromise FriendofPromise
51-55, F
7 Responses Feb 13, 2010

K, Lindy, and Pink... we are sisters in this whole mess... thank you for your support! I am right there with the non-creepy internet gf power!

Lindy, that is fantastic! I will be doing the same shortly. I'm loving the non-creepy internet gf power today, sisters!

More non-creepy-internet-girlfriend-power from this department too. :) Tomorrow will come and you'll live to tell us about it. I promise!

Lady A... I feel the power... thanks for being my friend.

Pinkberry... you are so right... I was thinking that as I wrote it, but I suppose hiding from the pain of it at the same time.<br />
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Fayayldt... you are a staunch friend who has supported me through all this crap... and I love you for it... in a non-creepy internet way... lol...<br />
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Remember everyone, I didn't bravely make this decision, I was waffling around as much as anyone else, scared and not wanting to suffer the financial fallout. He threw a fit, we called the police, they took him away, and the end result was a year long no contact order. I was just along for the ride.<br />
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What I hope to do by telling you all the pain and joy, the fear and hope, and all about the cluster *****... is to give you all the courage to leave before it comes to that... or before you just give up.<br />
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In spite of it all... every bit of it... it was worth it. And knowing what I know now (20/20 hind sight) I would have left shortly after finding EP. When I realized there was not going to be any change.<br />
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All those excuses we make for staying... they are just that... excuses. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIVES!!! STOP IT! RIGHT NOW!<br />
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The big bad world out there... is one hundred thousand times better than the **** you are dealing with right now. You are just so used to it, that it seems "normal"...<br />
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An animal that has spent it's life in a cage often won't leave, even if you leave the door open... because the cage is home, and feels safe... <br />
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Get the hell out of the cage!

TS... Thanks... sounds like an excellent plan!

FOP, this is so tragically sad. You have peeled back the la<x>yers and what you've found isn't pretty. <br />
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This man was not your best friend for 20 years. He was your master and you his slave, for you served him in this marriage. The behavior he is displaying now is his genuine self. If he were the wonderful best friend that you had imagined and hoped and supported him to be, wild horses couldn't force him to let the friendship fall away or to do anything to hurt you on purpose. <br />
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This is about so much more than sex for you as it is for most of us. I am so sorry for the hurt you've endured and the cluster ***** of the last several weeks (and months), but this really is a new beginning for you. It is time to start letting go of the past and looking for ways to shape what you have into your future. <br />
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Stay strong and remember that you are in control of you now. I