I Made Him Leave Yesterday. First Night Alone

I haven't posted in this group because firstly, I'm new here and secondly, everyone writes about their experience so well I'm not sure I can explain what it is like as well as you guys can.

I read the entries here and it's like someone is describing My life. The emotional distance, the refusal of a partner to engage in even the most basic human kindness, not to mention the absence of sex. My husband has a multitude of issues and there is always a reason (excuse) for his behaviour. I always have to walk on eggshells and am constantly told to 'ride it out' because he is going through a 'tough time'. The tough times have been going on for 5 years. If it's not work related, it's some other stress or it's his past. I have to be understanding, patient and put up with his emotionally draining conduct and lack of intimacy.

It's all my fault you see, he can't do anything right apparently. I spend all my energy trying to build him up, reassure him, but I get slammed down. He gives me the silent treatment - I will ask him what he has planned for the day and he will walk off, not even bother to answer me. I tell him I love him and that I want to help him, I don't want to break up and I cry - he just stares into space and says nothing. I tried to have sex with him when we where lying in bed early one morning and he told me he had to walk the dogs. WT?? Great.

He will not talk to me for days, refuse to sit next to me in the lounge and then walk over to me and pull up my top because he wants to have sex. WT?? Am I just here to cook, clean, take his emotional abuse and but put out when he can be bothered? Sometimes I feel like he is using me to have sex with himself - I'm there but it may as well be anybody. We rarely do it anyway.

Anyway I got tired of his bullshit and after trying to get him into counselling, many nights of tearful pleading and attempts to get him to open up to me, to have him know I am fighting to keep this marriage together, I told him to leave.

I have tried everything I know of, taken advice of family and friends to try to make it work, but he won't participate. He left yesterday, didn't take anything not even a toothbrush or his medication. I text him to come and get some stuff - no response. This is his way of punishing me. He knows I still care and still want him, I just couldn't take it anymore. The crushing pain of rejection, the loneliness. Being married and feeling more alone than ever before. So he is punishing me and hurting me by letting me know he is our there without so much as a change of clothes.

I know his game now and will not feel guilty. He is a grown man and can look after himself. I told him he needed to go for a week - so he could figure out what is important in life. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe I won't want him to.

Thanks for reading.

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8 Responses Feb 13, 2010

good for you stay strong

How brave of you to tell him to leave. How strong of you not to invite him back when he is clearly playing on your emotions to get you to do just that. Keep up the good work! <br />
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I am going to say something I feel like I've repeated a million times recently. He is not a stressed out nice guy. Do not latch onto that little carrot of niceness that he dangles out for you every once in a while. He is a cold, manipulative jerk who is nice once in a while when he fears that the stability of his life and the support you provide might go away. Wouldn't that be terribly inconvenient for him? THIS is who he is. That nice stuff is an act designed to manipulate you just like walking out without medication and not answering texts is. <br />
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He may or may not really feel like he is going through a tough time, but at this point, it is not your concern. You've done everything to express your needs to him and he has ignored it. Unless there are drugs or abduction or war or something equally devastating that is outside the norm of human experience, people do not have five continuous years of tough times. They are either lying/exaggerating/affecting to meet some selfish need of their own, or they are suffering from depression or another mental illness and require medical treatment. Unfortunately, you cannot force someone to turn to medical treatment any more than you can force them to respect you and give you sex. <br />
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You say may you won't want him to come back. I say you definitely don't.<br />
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"I slept well last night and feel fine this morning, very relieved without his energy draining the mood of the house."

Welcome to the group. Oh, my, your story is close to mine. In this week apart, you need to think about where you want the relationship to go. I struggled with the whole "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" thing for a long time. Look up the thread "Passive Agressive?" in this group's forum and read the articles linked. Get the book "Too Good to Leave, too Bad to Stay". <br />
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Sending supportive thoughts your way.

Good for you... hang in there, and don't let yourself get dragged back into such a toxic mess...

You have done everything and MORE to save your marriage. It has not worked. When your husband has thought you "might" be leaving him, he has improved for just long enough to keep you there . . . As soon as he was confident you were not leaving, he dropped right back into his usual behaviour.<br />
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This is VERY common behaviour for Refusers. They act ONLY if THEY are threatened in any way - they never act to make YOUR life better, only to protect what they want.<br />
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Now he will work very hard to make YOU feel guilty - for example: it will be "your fault" if he gets sick because he doesn't have his meds with him, etc! IGNORE such blatant and ridiculous threatening behaviour!<br />
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You are beginning a new HEALTHY life and you deserve everything you want and need. Don't let your (ex) husband try to restore the old status quo - he will NEVER change, as others have said.<br />
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Welcome to the exILIASM group!! We are proud to have you as our latest recruit . . . !!!

You've taken a big step. The hard part is seeing it through. Hold fast, we're all in this together.

Don't be afraid to post. We are all just here for support. <br />
Hopefully you can find the resolution you need. I understand about "his energy draining the mood." for sure.

You have done the right thing, it seems to me. He sounds completely hostile and disinterested in your relationship. You stood up for yourself and he is probably flabbergasted. Do you really, really want him, as you say? Or do you want him as you had hoped he would be when you married him? He doesn't sound very wantable to me. Stay strong and I wish you all the best.