It Hurts My Heart...

Hi all,

I am male in my let 40's, married 20+ years.   I don't really know what to say but intimacy in my life is next to non-existent.  Months and months go by before anything, and then it is almost as a favor.  She doesn't even try to be feminine or sexual at all.  And what is worse, she doesn't seem to even want to get the fire back.  She doesn't miss it because she doesn't want to.  She is on anti-depressants and I know that can be an issue, but she won't even talk to her doctor about it.  I am no prize to be sure.  But she married me and I am no less than what I was then. 

She seems to go out of her way to make herself undesirable.  She sleeps in whatever clothes she has worn all day.  Rarely wears makeup.  She will stay up reading or whatever until I come to bed, then its made known how tired she is or worse, while I brush my teeth, she will often choose that exact moment to turn over and feign sleep.  

I think the depression and the meds are much of the problem.  But sex has always been in her control.  She has used it as a position of power in our relationship almost since the beginning.  I have not been perfect and I often don't feel affectionate toward her, but much of that is due to our strained sex life. 

My best to all.  This feels strange writing this.



xsabers xsabers
46-50, M
4 Responses Feb 14, 2010

I think it's great to discuss in this forum - to get the blame out. After that, practical application of something that breaks this droning, sexless cycle is definitely in order. In this place, it seems most productive to focus on happiness and purpose for the self, as opposed to what "she" won't or will do. We cannot change another, even with "good" behavior. Attempting to puts us in an extremely powerless position. Because in the end, I can only control MY thoughts, MY words, and MY actions. Take your power back, Xsabers. Be the blessing that you seek. While this is no instant gratification, at least you won't have to goto bed every night feeling at the whims of pity sex. God bless you, my friend.

Just try to think why she is so.I think you should talk to her directly or(I don't know why I'm thinking this way)may be you are not sexual too...I think if she found you so,she won't act in this way.You have to try from your side because I don't think that it has to do with a psychological deppression.

Agreed that depression is no excuse!! I have been on meds for a couple of years, and I am the one(wife) that is sexually neglected. I am so fed up, he tells me he's attracted to me, but rarely touches me in a sexual way. I take care of myself, am thin, and get hit on quite often. That really frustrates me knowing that strangers are more interested in me sexually than my husband!! Trust me, he' s no GQ model either! I've had numerous people ask how the 2 of us got together because we look SO different. The passion and desire we once had was a huge reason!! Im SO frustrated!!!!!!

Do not accept depression as an excuse for loss of libido. There are too many people who are also depressed and still want regular sex or affection.