Feeling Inadequate And Humiliated

In may we will have been married for 33 years, the last time we had sex was on our 25th wedding anniversary that's nearly 8 years ago. don't get me wrong we are very good friends and its as much my fault as it is my wife's.

We had been married for about three years when at a party I said to my wife i was going to the toilet and she said jokingly ' don't pee on the floor '  was just about to come back with a comment when II heard my wife telling two of her female friends ' I don't know how his misses its only this big' by this big she made a small size with her fingers. I was devastated and i took really bad stick from one of her friends all night. I never thought I was small,it never occurred to me that I was and it got me thinking,I suppose I am a bit on the small side but it never bothered me before. from that night my self confidence did a nose dive. I couldn't play football ( soccer ) again because of the showers after and when i go to a bar I have to go to the toilet, I cannot stand at the urinal anymore incase someone comes in, I cannot pee when someone is looking. The rest of this story is going to seem like my wife is a horrible person,but she isn't and I do love her.

about 15 years ago we were still having sex although it was pretty boring,we decided to liven it up a bit and wrote on paper what our fantasies and wants were and then we swapped papers. I wanted sex outdoors and I also said that I would like to see her with someone else. She said she wouldn't mind us with another couple. We tried that but the couple didn't even turn up so we had sex in our car and in a back alley, things were looking up and it was exciting. My wife said she would like to try it with another man, so we arranged it. He was very nice and came to our house, we all had a good drink and then he turned to my wife and they went to the bedroom. I was watching from the foot of the bed and I found it a huge turn on, then I heard her say to the man that his was bigger than mine! I was sick and slept in the spare room, The man came back a few nights and the idea was that if I wasn't around she would tell me exactly what they did together, but when i asked her what she told me was very brief. She stopped seeing the man after about a week and i told her I wasn't happy as I didn't get anything out of it, only more humiliation. She also said she couldn't remember saying what she said to the man.

A couple of years passed and the same happened again, why i agreed to it I don't know as this time it wasn't my idea at all. This time it was a younger man from her workplace. They went out for a drink and my wife told me nothing happed and they just talked and had a drink,but she would like to meet him the next day and go to his house for some fun. I drove my wife to a meeting place but i didn't see the man. She didn't tell me what happened in any detail and they also met at lunch breaks etc and went to a toilet in a bar for sex, I pressed her to tell me what they did but again the description was brief. She stopped seeing him after about two weeks and he moved to another job.

My wife slipped up and said when we were in a certain place that this was where they kissed and fondled, I said I thought you didn't do anything that first night, she just went quiet and withdrew what she said and said they didn't do anything...i don't believe that!

All of this has made me have a very low opinion of myself and I now don't find my wife sexually attractive at all, I think about sex all the time and fantasise about what I like all the time and its very frustrating. I would run a mile if another woman showed interest in me because I do not want to show myself up as I couldn't accept more humiliation. I would love to talk to a woman about sex,even if it is just talk, I have sexual fantasies and it would be great to tell, but I just couldn't tell my wife.

I feel that my wife has had her fun, and I haven't so its left me bitter and like I said very very frustrated. I still love her though.

Thank you

Gumtree Gumtree
51-55, M
7 Responses Feb 14, 2010

I recommend that you seek individual advice from a sex therapist.

I am a new member to this site/forum, I thought once I told of my experience I would get sensible replies, I thought this was an " upmarket" site that I would guide me and I would make new friends with similar problems. After reading some of the comments on here like the one from redzcar or the one that said my wife was a witch, I have decided to cut my losses and unsubscribe.<br />
I tried to explain in my second posting that although it came across that my wife was a bad person, she is not and in every other aspect of our marriage she is my ideal partner. Yes she hurt me and no I don't think she realises how much she hurt me,yes she knows I am concious of my size, but my idea of talking to people on here was to give me some guidance,some help and someone to talk to. Some of you have been very supportive but I just cannot deal with the name calling and telling me to get out of the marriage or she is venomous. I love my wife and the idea is not to run away but to stay and try and repair the damage.<br />
<br />
Thanks to everyone who gave me sensible replies.

1) size does not matter. <br />
2) exactly what is it that you love about this woman, that keeps you with her? Figure that out, not for our curiousity, but for your own sake ...

Redczar, too harsh. He doesn't need that.

Thanks for the replies.<br />
What i wrote was what happened,but in all honesty my wife isn't the "witch" she seems to be and she is a really good partner. Yes I have been hurt and I will never be confident again but these things happened a long time ago and its me who can't get them out of my head. She doesnt go behind my back or anything now, its just the sex side of things which is the only downfall of our marriage. I would love to have a female friend and just to have some sexual flirting etc. I do feel very frustrated indeed but I don't see why I should end 33 years of marriage now, if I was going to do that i should have done it years ago. I wrote what happened because I've never told anyone about it before and needed to get it off my chest. I suppose now I just need a friend to talk to.

I am so sorry to hear that she has treated you like this!! That is terrible. Honestly I think you should leave her. What she is doing to you is abusive. I think you should leave her and find a nice woman (or some nice women) to date. By the way, my friends and I have talked before about how we wish our significant others were smaller, just to let you know that there are plenty of women who honestly don't want someone huge!

There's a reason she's intentionally hurting you. It's either payback or else she's just an evil f'ing witch. ---- And there are 100's of ways to get a woman all hopped up - but if she's already cutting other bulls out of the herd it's likely too late for all that.