I Made Him Leave...day 4 And Counting

I've gotta get this out before I start to rationalise it. He just called.

Him "why haven't you been calling me?"

Me "why haven't you been calling me?"

Him "I just did, what about you?"

Me "After sending you messages and getting no response, I'm not going to call you"

Him "Oh"

Then the conversation proceeds about how miserable he is, how many problems there are with the farm (all of which has one simple solution BTW - stop farming) but he does not want to change his life so what can I do?

I tell him many things, mainly that I will not live this life anymore. I say that I want more - happy times, a real life. He blabs on about how he does things around the house. I ask him what he means. He says he made a lawn. I remind him that I did not want him to do that, grow a lawn when we live in a drought. He spent all spring working on a lawn that is dead now.  I tell him I want to spend time together, laugh and have fun. To be close, to have a relationship.

I don't think he understood - he kept saying "don't you think I do anything around the house?"

He said he wanted to talk in the morning - I said "not before school when my daughter is here". He said after that? I said I'm busy and have a hair appointment. He couldn't comprehend that.

He said he wanted some clothes. I said fine, I have hair at 9am, Mass for Ash Wednesday at 11.30am, then will be home in the afternoon.

He was hostile when he said "so, I guess I'll just go around in the same dirty clothes then?"

(I offered to pack clothes for him and even messaged him to see if he needed anything. He said he needed to 'clear his head')

I said "I can gather some clothes for you to collect, you're welcome to get them when I'm home"

Him "don't bother yourself about it"

Me "Don't worry , I won't"

Then I hung up.

There was other stuff said, but mainly about how I didn't appreciate what he did in the yard etc. (you should see our yard - it's horrible).

It's insane that he wants credit for yardwork when I am screaming out for some love and affection!! And trying to make me feel bad because he has no clothes, when they have been here all the time for him to collect. First time I'm busy he tries to turn it around to me being heartless and not caring about him being in dirty clothes. Oh My.

I'm not playing anymore.

Apologies for this post - I've had a fair bit of wine tonight. Hope it makes sense!

Night all :)




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5 Responses Feb 16, 2010

Passive aggressive is pretty much impossible to deal with... the whole point of it is to sneak up and bite you on the ***... and not in any sort of good way.<br />
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You are on the right path... stay strong, and keep talking here... it'll get you through!

T&P - I think you misunderstood my comment... I'm not saying you need to adapt and accept your situation. The title I suggested might help you understand the disconnect, and how you can help him understand what you need. (It stinks to do the legwork for our spouses, but it beats the alternative.)<br />
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E.g., I might really like classic cars, and my wife might be into gardening. If I've got half a brain, I wouldn't get her an auto widget for her birthday. I might know to get her a gardening thingy, but the chance of me getting something she really likes, finds useful, unique, etc. is pretty damn low. We think differently, and I haven't a clue what she needs if she doesn't tell me. And it's not quite as obvious or intuitive when it comes to relationships.<br />
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HTH,<br />

Some people probably would... there are obviously some serious underlying issues...<br />
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I does sound as though he really doesn't get it... which is obviously as frustrating as hell for you.<br />
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...and no, they don't always seem to understand english... because they are just waiting for you to shut up so they can attempt to press their point again.<br />
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In this instance, couples therapy might actually help, at least in the ability to actually communicate... whether the communication will actually make any difference... well, that's the rub, isn't it?

T&P - Check out a book called The 5 Love Languages (by Chapman, I think - and read the original before the spin-offs). It's quite popular and a quick read; the library is sure to have it.<br />
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It's not a silver bullet, but it may help you understand the disconnect in a way you can both work on. To GL's point, he may be expressive in a way he thinks will work, but totally misses the mark for you. Ignoring the quality of the work for a moment, he may be busting his rump in a misguided effort to be the good husband.

Some guys think that providing and fixing the house is love. Maybe if you allowed yourself to appreciate the ex<x>pression of love that he is capable of giving, then you would get the ex<x>pression of love you desire.