I Thought I Would Pretend To Be A Guy For The Night!

First, I apologize to all those men out there who sincerely want to make love to a woman because they are truly committed and desire a loving, committed relationship. Translation: they don't just see sex as purely an act to secure a bodily need.

Tonight, for some reason, I desired to pretend to act like a man. (Again, I apologize for the sexist comment, but that is mostly what I have experienced within the last few years.) So, since I'm direct and know how to communicate, I went up to my roommate on the sofa, who is supposed to be my husband, and started kissing him ever so passionately. I was on my way to return video movies to the store. Before I left, I started the passionate kissing session and said: Let's have sex....................just for the pure passion of sex. You don't have to feel anything, say anything, even really do anything. I'm horny and I need sex from a man. You're don't have to even like it..............we just do it. Just pure sex. An act as a means to an end.

I thought it was "emotionless, non-committal, and yes, even sterile." It reminded me of something a typical guy "just looking to score" would be thinking -- but never say -- to a girl in a bar before taking her back to his place. Then, he'd never call her again. After all, it was just sex. Nothing more, nothing less.

I left him probably in a state of shock, but intentionally giving him time to take his Viagra. That was the plan.

I arrived home. I was so horny. Took a bath and pulled out all the stops. I had found some lacy lingerie in a forgotten drawer. I had bought so much earlier (long story, I threw it all away.....or so I thought...........after so much rejection.) This was silky, very small, very lacy, and not much to it. I freshly shaved again, as is my custom, and even used some new body powder my niece sent for my recent birthday. It smelled great.

I was smooth, smelling great, and very wet! I jumped into bed and just had this amazed look on his face. I cuddled up close. He sat there emotionless. I cuddled even closer and talked about "let's just do it." Let's have sex and then you can go to bed! (He works horrible shifts.....right now, 4 a.m. until 4 p.m.) But, it's sex..............how long will it last? With him, it won't be long. He doesn't believe in foreplay.) ha! It will be quick and painless.

He started to look like he was dozing off. I was in amazement. Here's a woman throwing herself at him, ready to just have sex. Practically begging for just something so simple. Don't men do this all the time with women they barely know? And we, as women, are so vulnerable, we give in. All it takes is a few compliments, a few kisses, a few meaningless "I love you's,"  etc. and we feel secure and loved. How stupid we are................most do not mean this. Again, it is like driving a car, taking back movies, oh, and yes, I'll have sex on the way home. Yet another thing on the agenda.

Well, my "stab at man's approach" ended in failure. He said: Can't we try this some other other time when I don't have to go in so early? It was 9:30 p.m. We would be done by 9:45 p.m. Trust me.

So, I climbed out of bed, no tears now, put on my robe, and came out to the living room to type this story. I'm proud to say that I'm not crying now...........the teary-eyed days are over. Maybe I have become that type of man! How sad...............my heart is so big, but I guess in order to not get hurt, I must play this role of "sex is just an action.......like giving a speech."

Yes, my attempt was a failure, but not really. I lost my job because of men who resented me for not playing their game and not sleeping with them. So what's new? It is what it is. Perhaps I should adopt more of this manly attitude and stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. I wish I didn't have a sex drive. Things would be so much easier.

Maybe I should learn to adopt this more liberal lifestyle where sex is where you find it -- whatever door may open, taking certain precautions of course. Perhaps my ideal of "love, commitment, and security/intimate bonding" is just pure old-fashioned.

Enough rambling. I lost in my attempt to be the guy who "scores!" I'm scoreless.

Oh well, life goes on, with or without sex.

Trapped.

trappedwithoutbars trappedwithoutbars
46-50, F
12 Responses Feb 16, 2010

Thank you my dear new friend. I do believe this -- I too am a hopeless romantic. I would treat my lover/partner/soulmate (and have) in the same manner. <br />
<br />
Smiles...............

Trapped,<br />
There are men out there who enjoy making love instead of just sex. I say this to encourage you. I am sorry you have been treated this way. You should be treated as the pearl of greatest price!

Well, thank you to all for the support. Yes, it is the "asexual" (as I call them) who have the problem -- certainly not us! This morning is a new day.........and so funny, dear Long, I'm trying possibly the same new beauty care regimen. I shall look 20 years younger in two weeks as well. Why, we shall both be children! lol<br />
<br />
It is important to maintain your dignity and self-worth. I'm wondering what my dear roommate is thinking as he is at work this morning. I know what I am: I do not have 5 minutes for him, should he ever have the need. But, not worries, the Berlin Wall is up again and I won't ever ask for anything. He won't either because he simply doesn't need sex in his life. <br />
<br />
I'm not a lesbian, so while I think the offers are sweet (?), thanks anyway. A hug would be just great! My girlfriends are just that -- friends. <br />
<br />
Yes, I agree that I sometimes wonder why I shave my legs 2x day, care what I look like, exercise, take care of myself, etc. etc. when there is no one to notice. (You know, the cat has never once said: "Wow, you look great today! Stupid cat!) But, alas, she is a female too. ha! And she's fixed like me........so maybe she's lucky and has no sex drive. <br />
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Writing this story last night after the "incident" was therapeutic. It felt good to not cry afterwards. It felt good this morning to stare at myself in the mirror (with lingerie still on and he had left for work) and think: let's get this nonsense off and put on what this house deserves. I'm now wearing the matching striped flannel long pants and long button-up shirt top he gave me for Christmas. Perfect, just perfect for my surroundings with my "freezer"' roommate. They are comfy, I must admit, but something I would pick out for my mother, if she could grasp the buttons. She can't. <br />
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I know where I stand, what my dreams are, and that I won't give up on love. I stay because of my children. I smile and act civil because of my children and I'm not the mean or hostile type anyway. I feel sorry for him. I would save him if he were dying or this house were on fire. But, give him sex? Absolutely not! Not if the only other man alive to have sex with was Richard Simmons! ha! <br />
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See, and I can still laugh. That's the best part. I wonder, do men laugh when they strike out and they don't go home from the bar with someone for the night? Or, do they just get drunk? I'm not really much of a drinker, so that won't work. I'd rather just laugh at what he was thinking as I was passionately kissing him (Is she on crack?) hee hee hee and then left to return the video rentals! (I don't do illegal drugs either, but I'll bet he thought I was "on" something. That is truly funny. <br />
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Thanks again for your support and the "offers." I'm still going to care about myself, as if no one else exists -- because they don't. It's just the "right" thing to do. Mental health is everything........and so is physical....................... I'll announce when I enroll back into high school (at age 46 because I look soooooooo young)! Oh, wow, no way! I have a teenage daughter. Way too much drama. <br />
<br />
Trapped.

What an *** he is. Just like my *** @ home.....<br />
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I secretly want to be a ******** so I can flaunt my ****, get the men all aroused, gets TONS of compliments and then tell no touchy touchy !!! LOL !!! AND GET PAID !!!

Well truly this is not your problem it is his. I would "dew" ya if you came on to me even if you are a woman! LOL

You story tell it like it is to be in a sexually mismatched relationship... I wish so called relationship leaders would say to the sexless spouses... "YOU NEED TO GET TREATMENT, so that you will quit abusing your needing spouses with your problem concerning sex... they have needs and you are the ONE person in the world who is suppose to fill those needs. PERIOD.<br />
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hugs to you... you suffer with the rest of us... you are one of us.<br />
<br />
james<br />
atlanta

Thank you for putting your thoughts about your loss of intimacy with your husband. You're younger, but I have been there too long. <br />
<br />
Been on EP since last winter and it has helped me see that other real alive people are not living the life they want or wanted. It has been an amazing year of self discovery, therapy for me, and facing the reality of my life. It's not a pretty place, and it's not a relaxed place. We both know what is happening but my husband refuses to accept the reality. I asked for a divorce and he is asking for one last try with a marriage counselor; however we don't have one.<br />
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The last time I was "to bed" ... with him was about 5 months ago. He was trying to *** after his viagra but it was all forced pushing and pumping .. no intimacy ... no desire... just to *** so he could lay down almost. Standing next to the bed, pulling me toward him like a roped calf.<br />
I had it .... no more .... and ended up on the floor ..... don't know how ... and said to the rug "I can't do this anymore" .... Moved into the guest room and have been there since. <br />
<br />
Last year when my husband rejected me once again even after I wore a new hot pink teddy from Victorias Secret, I went home and took my own photo in the mirror with the camera covering my eyes and then one eye. I needed to see "just what I looked like in his eyes" ,,,,,,, I saw a very attractive woman, a bit pouchy in the mid section from children and surgeries, regardless I thought I looked great .. yes ... I understand what it is like to be rejected and then to be approached like a lobster approaches bait. Sex is work with him and it shouldn't be ...<br />
I went "out of my marriage" ... after 25 years of being loyal.,,,, I believe I needed to be validated as a desirable, sexy, attractive woman "for my age: ,,,... After spending years with a man who acted like I was an intruder in bed ... no touch, no hug, no body contact .. just me on my side of the bed ... I understand.<br />
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Wish I had discovered it wasn't me years ago... I wanted my marriage to work and maybe it did, financially, but we have no joy in our marriage. Reality is stark ... and brings happiness and clarity of self.<br />
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Believe in yourself, always,

Five years ago I was in your shoes, I finally got divorced and I ended up in an abusive relationship and I got out of that and now I'm in a good one. But I think that when men get older they just get tired easier and don't have the drive that we do. And sadly I am attracted to older men and I'm not a cougar, I don't want a boy, I want a man, The guy I'm with now is great, he's 7 years younger and sex is great.<br />
But I like to go out and have fun.

" I don't feel that self-loathing condition anymore. Why, I'm trying this new beauty regime that will have me looking 20 in two weeks! (I'm 46 now.) lol So, look out world. "<br />
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I think the world is anxiously waiting!<br />
<br />
I'm 10 years your senior and am trying to get myself into better shape - not that I'm in really bad shape - but do have trouble wondering what the purpose is if no one does notice. But it's true that your mental state improves when your physical state does. And then, who knows what may happen?

I'm sorry for your anguish, but glad to hear you are past the stage of feeling something is wrong with you. <br />
Paco35:)

Thank yoy, Long. Yeah well, some of us aren't so lucky. I'm sitting here looking at me in my lingerie wondering what's wrong with me? I don't feel that self-loathing condition anymore. Why, I'm trying this new beauty regime that will have me looking 20 in two weeks! (I'm 46 now.) lol So, look out world. <br />
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I may be sexless, but I have learned to care about myself. I'm past that stage of questioning myself. Hey, my legs feel so soft. So, even though there is no one to appreciate it, I do. It feels great, and this new bath powder is super! I love feeling sexy even though no one else notices. At least, my cat is still sleeping next to me on the sofa, so I believe she hasn't noticed. lol<br />
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Ty you again for your support.

Man, I would have jumped at that chance, ED and all! Wish I could experience a woman with an attitude and desire like yours.<br />
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But I think you should stick with your "old-fashioned" ways, respect yourself, and find someone who'll really love you and be committed.