Off To See The Wizard...

to get a new heart.  mine is broken, and i fear beyond repair.  i love my partner and she has made a concerted effort to get better, but she will never match the passion and affection that i bring to the relationship.  i don't say that to be arrogant, it is just not in her to do so.  so, i will either live with the pain for the rest of my life, starving to death one day at a time, or i'll find the balls to move on.  i've been down this road too many times, and i'm too ******* young to feel washed up (29).  i want to belive in the possibility that life can be fulfilling again.  i want to look into another person's eyes and think, "i would like to have a family with this person, who wants me for me".  i don't see that in my future, but, then again, i don't see much of a future.  sorry, another bad day.  maybe it is just the time of year.

lebowski28 lebowski28
26-30, M
8 Responses Feb 17, 2010

" i desperately want to be the person that is convicted enough to hurt another person out of love b/c, then and only then, do you really love a person, but i'm not there. " It's WAY overrated!!!<br />
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Listen to this again; " He was dating and contemplating a new relationship shortly into our separation " I read it above and I am here to tell you this is typically the way it goes.....: the "reality of Life " but Life goes on..... Survival. Do the best for yourself. Later CC

Lebs: We are old friends and you know my story. I stayed nailed to the cross a very long time for all the wrong reasons.<br />
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As an FYI, my ex is doing great. He was dating and contemplating a new relationship shortly into our separation which I only found out about a few months ago. Don't worry she will hurt less than you and will hopefully find someone who is more in tune with what she needs, as will you.<br />
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I love you man!<br />
KFC

yeah, fyayldt, i do realize that. the problem, i suppose is a combination of love and cowardice. my self-loathing side says i'm just too cowardly to break her heart (and it will break her heart) and the love side knows that i love her too much to break her heart, but apparently not enough to break her heart out of love. i desperately want to be the person that is convicted enough to hurt another person out of love b/c, then and only then, do you really love a person, but i'm not there. she strikes me as the person that needs to lose everything before she realizes what she has, and, i don't mean that b/c she is entitled, but b/c she doesn't really appreciate something until it is gone. i fear that i'm the same way. i will miss all those things that make her endearing if or when i let them go. i'm in a rough place right now. far beyond where i have ever been before, and it is frightening to me.

" cc, my holdup is that i can't hurt her " -I rode that ole horse a long way ( first time around ). I think you said you've been together about 11 years ( ???). Wow! that's a big investment but at 29 little Brother, you should be kicking *** and taking names later not all wadded up wondering what it is going to take to get sex. One morning you will awake with a start(!) and you'll end it. I can tell by what you convey in your posts ( my perception ). You're just not there yet. Everything in its own time. You wouldn't be the first to cut the ties that bind ( or actually constrict ). I guarantee you, it might hurt her but, it won't break her. Do the best for you. You have the experience of the down side of a relationship. You know what you want. There are women out there that will make you feel like the man you really are not a well worn roommate. <br />
My Very Best to You, Sir. CC

When you find him, send me some of the lion's courage so I can use it to take the risk of maybe never finding love. I wonder if that loneliness is any less lonely than the one I have now.

thanks all. cc, my holdup is that i can't hurt her. it's about as simple as that. no matter how much she hurts me, indavertently, i can't bring myself to hurt her. so, instead, i hurt myself. it's a ****** cycle.

So true OP and GEB, "...a mismatch in our passion only allows his efforts to reach me at a surface level... it's those missing deeper feelings that create my void." I crave fulfillment of those deep passionate feelings, not receiving it is what is slowly killing me. I have to realise that something as seemingly simple as feeling loved, desired and wanted will never be part of my life unless I make a change.

Hi lebowski28,<br />
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what's your trepidation? I understand (but simultaneously don't understand ) my own , you, you are a young man with many miles of open road ahead. You write well and I enjoy your comments and insight. What's the hook that keeps you? Later CC