I Miss The Emotional Intimacy.

I married someone whose values I didn't understand until after I married her.  I know, I shouldn't have rushed into marriage that soon, but I didn't realize that she saw sex as a way to "trap" a man, and that once the ring was on, if we didn't plan on having children, that would be the last roll in the hay we had for a long, long while.  My wife was raised with the idea that you "reward" someone with sex, and if they haven't done something worthy of rewarding, no sex, no way.  I long ago grew past the point of earning my way into anyone's panties.  I'm an adult, and I don't want to be given a sympathy screw because I "deserve" it.  It's been three years now since my wife and I had sex, and even longer since we made love.  I began an emotional affair with someone in a similar situation about 2 years ago, and the affair became physical about six months after that.  I've never felt such bliss at physical contact with another human being.  At first, we both convinced ourselves that we just needed some physical contact and that would be it.  I didn't realize until too late that along with the physical contact would come emotional attachment, and with that would come some hard decisions to make.  I know the short answer is to leave my wife, and I've tried it before, but couldn't deal with the guilt of having devastated her like that.  How do I leave her, and deal with the guilt trip that will soon follow??  Every time she thinks I might consider leaving, the suicide threats start, and I don't want that on my conscience, I can't however go the rest of my life feeling guilty for an affair, but even guiltier for causing someone else's death.

InLoveWithSomeonesOther InLoveWithSomeonesOther
31-35, M
8 Responses Feb 17, 2010

Unfortunately, it is human nature to feel the things you do. I have stood in your shoes (minus the suicide threats). I left my husband two years ago because I was involved with a married man. He left and divorced his wife and waited for me.<br />
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The guilt consumed me and I tool lots of time making sure it was the right decision. Don't do that to yourself. Take the leap. You are already there. As many of my closest friends said to me, guilt is a useless emotion.<br />
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Maybe you should make an appoint with a psychiatrist for you and your wife. Tell her in the room with the Dr. that you need to leave the marriage and that you are concerned about her well-being.<br />
If you are going to make a life for yourself, you need to be strong.<br />
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Good luck.

Even if there are kids involved, suicide threats are not something I would take kindly to. You cannot control this woman's emotions. She needs help whether she is saying this to be purely manipulative or whether she is saying it because she means it, which is also manipulative. She is doing this purely as a way to keep you from leaving. You will continue to be miserable if you stay and so will she. <br />
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Go now!

Only sex when you deserve it... Suicide threats... You're living with an extremely manipulative person. I understand that there ae no kids involved. If that's the case... Pack your bags asap, my friend. If you do have kids, take your time and make sure it won't surprise them too much. <br />
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Don't stick around and waste your time trying to please someone who can't be pleased. You only have 1 life, it's not going to be perfect but at least make it yours. <br />
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And people who mention suicide like this very rarely do. People who are truly suicidal typically keep these tendencies to themselves.

The next time she threatens, call 911 and have her placed on a 72 hour psych hold. If she's serious, she'll get help and if she's just being manipulative (which I highly suspect is the case), she will have learned a valuable lesson.

if she is not willing to be who you need her to be and you have taken those steps with another, then, by god, pursue your happiness! " lebowski28 said it right."<br />
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How can she love you that much yet hate enough to kill herself? She's not gonna do that!<br />
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I know exactly how you feel about finding bliss with someone else. I didn't go for it, now I wish I had. Don't make that mistake, you will regret it.<br />
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Don't waste anymore time, GO Now, <br />
Good Luck~

I am a woman who has been married for almost 25 years so I don't say this lightly, but you need to leave. This is your life we are talking about, and it slips by all too fast for you to waste anymore time not feeling the bliss that you deserve. I find it admirable that you have stayed with her this long. While no one can predict the future, I am almost certain she will not commit suicide if you leave her; she appears to love herself far too much to do that. Whether you leave her or not, ditch the guilt once and for all. You shouldn't feel guilty if you leave, and you shouldn't feel guilty if you find your bliss with someone else while still married.

i'm not judging, but i'll be a little more diplomatic. if she is keeping you in the relationship with suicide threats, then she has a) little regard for you and b) even less regard for herself. her suicide, if she were to go through with it (female suicide is far less sucessful statistically, and i say that as a card-carrying feminist), would not be your fault. the whole f---ing point of suicide is that it is the ultimate choice of our individuality. we live a largely communal existence, but suicide is the one (and perhaps only) personal/individual choice we can make. our life is our own, we choose when to end it (or we see it through) and how or why to do so. that has something to do with others, but the point is, ultimately, it is a CHOICE. <br />
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if she is not willing to be who you need her to be and you have taken those steps with another, then, by god, pursue your happiness!

I recommend that you see a psychologist to discuss your emotions. <br />
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I do not mean that disparagingly. I mean it seriously. You need professional help to guide you through this turmoil. Tell the psyche that need to prevent your soon-to-be-ex-wife from killing her crazy self -- if that is really what you want. <br />
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Causing somebody else's death?? <br />
Yikes! The sexless madness is spreading!