I Am The Problem, Not Him!

I am unable to provide my husband with the intimacy that he needs.  I have lost what ever sex drive I had, I think.  I am not self satisfying and I do not have affairs.    In the beginning it was perfect, but, as our marriage deteriorated I withdrew sexually.  I think this is the only thing I feel in control of in my life right now.  I am not withholding to be mean,  I have lost what ever desire I had to have sex and I honestly do not know why. 

indymomof2 indymomof2
36-40, F
19 Responses Feb 17, 2010

No problem Vegasbaby, When I met my husband, things were perfect, in my eyes anyway. We had that connection and intimacy. Too me, we rushed into marriage after being single for so long. In fact we had both been single for over 7 years. When I say single I mean not in a commited relationship. It seemed immediately after we got married, he began his tantrums and heading to his "mancave" to stay for however long he felt was necessary for me to come beg to him. I did this for the first 2 years, I went to him and apologized or explained myself away to him. Please, I did not come here so people could beat up on my husband, but, it is nice to know that I am not going crazy. <br />
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I am sure I have initmacy and emotional problems. I know that I shut down, uncontrollably. This isnt something that I wanted to happen, this is simply how I responded to his emotional and mental abuse. My situation trully sadens me and for a long time I was worried and wanted to work on things, but, this is what I noticed.<br />
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I would come out sexually and open up to him again, only to be knocked down verbally, emotionally and mentally again. And yet again, it seemed my reaction was to shut down physically with him. Now, I am to the point to where I do not want to work anything otu with him. I do not want to open up again because I know what is going to happen.

I think she is the real deal and has a valid reason for refusing. In another of her stories she talks about how much she hates herself for gaining like 60+ lbs and how abusive her husband is to her. I think that is definately one of the reasons her life feels so out of control. If I was in her situation I think I would as well. Many overweight women stay in horrible situations due to low self esteem and the fear of no one else wanting them. Id gander that may be one of her reasons she is staying with the guy or has stayed. <br />
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Honey you need a good therapist and exercise plan not just to lose weight but because exercise releases endorphins and they make you feel good..Some xanax or valium may help as well..Just start walking around your block and increase from there..once you start to feel better after some good therapy then you start to deal with him and decide what you want. You can give yourself a goal of say 6months to get to the place you need to be mentally to deal with either leaving him or trying to make it work, but IMHO if he has been a horses *** for 5yrs chances are he is not going to change so I would also start saving money if need be to get out in 6 months as well..good luck and keep us posted.

GaDad, LOL no I am serious. For example, there was this clown (kenwaters?) who posted a story "my birthday is on wednesday" and in it he said his wife works outside the home, then comes home and does the housework, is always praising him to her family, and wants to have sex with him all the time. But that he refuses her because he doesn't feel the intimacy. People were falling over each other rushing to comfort him that he was justified in refusing and urge him to leave the horrible woman.<br />
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When I asked a question, he deleted the story and his account.

Thanks! GaDude, I will take that as a compliment. <br />
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The truth is that I am suspecting more and more that there are many dix among us who seem all prim, proper, dainty and innocent on the outside.

Honey two things: One: take time for yourself. Do the things you did when you where single. I'm not saying be all crazy but take and make time for you. NO EXCUSES! Find YOUR rhythm again.<br />
Two: When you give so much of yourself to another then you become depleted and you start to look for something to fill that void from someone else when really it needs to come from you. I wish you the best of luck.

"you are a lamb among wolves " GaDad, what are you talking about dude. Anyone who writes anything here gets hugs and kisses no matter what. What wolves? :-)

I understand what you're saying, I've been there too...and I have some hope for you. I've written a book on restoring lost intimacy in marriage. Its called Kiss Me Again; Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage.<br />
It looks at how we create 'invisible bonds', through the release of chemicals and hormones that create an intense bond in past relationships and then how past sexual wounding can impact emotional and sexual intimacy in marriage. But the best part is that it offers hope and steps towards healing from your past, and breaking past bonds, and restoring intimacy in your marriage. Check out my website at www.barbarawilson.org.

I had the same problem, but I was just the girlfriend, not the wife. I always felt guilty about not having sex. It was so terrible, having sex with him, thinking that it would keep him at bay for a while. I couldn't get turned on. I didn't even want to flirt with him, I figured it would lead to sex. It was terrible.

I can relate 100%. I think my loss of interest is from hormones and medications. I am very open, but for some reason communicating with the people closest to me is hard. I've had much success with therapists for depression, but if you can find someone who you can trust and be open with then therapy is a good way to go.

Hi sweet lady, obviously it bothers you that you are feeling this way and not feeling the desires you once felt. It is a good thing that you are reaching-out and searching for answers. Is there really any specific answer to what is happening? Maybe not, could be that other things are taking your priorities to a point there is nothing left at the end-of-the-day, when it seems everyone thinks that is the time to have intimacy...well, anytime is a great time to enjoy each other.<br />
The "feeling out of control" is one that needs addressed. It just may be that sharing your thoughts are a very important start. First, concentrate on what makes you feel good about you. Second, think about is there anything that stiulates you sexually. Third, is there any sweet, precious memories, regrets, or wishes of, "wish I had" when it comes to stimulation. Fourth, look for any change in mood and try to zero in on what did it for you. <br />
It seems so many times there is undue pressue felt about sex performance. At times we wait for the partner to start, when in reality it is anyones choice to start, whenever the urge strikes. Then again, it can be a medical, or physical reasons. <br />
My wife had a tumor removed from colon about 2 1/2 years ago and for about 6 months the scar up the mid tummy to the ribs and on the inside was so tender to the touch...at that time she tried just satisfying me. During the next six months she was just never feeling in the mood, so physician gave prescrip for hormones, steroids, etc. to her, with little results, so she stopped taking meds. We both visited two doctors that were involved during this medical problem. Both physicians told us there was a small percentage of people that when their intestines are disturbed for removal of parts of them, that they lose sexual drive. It may, or may not return. It has been almost two years since we have had sex. Yes, I have had an affair for a period of about six months, very respectful always to my wife. For family reasons the lady and I stopped having the affair. All this has solved nothing, I do have very high sex drive and a little confused myself as to what to do with it and never wanting to end this relationship. So, maybe this is the other end of the spectrum of sexual relations.<br />
Luck to you, but I suggest you see a physician and maybe marriage councelor, and/or sex therapist. Just maybe there is an answer somewhere between them that you will adopt.<br />
Take care sweet lady and know you are most likely not abnormal.

I am not going to stay silent any longer! <br />
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IndyMom, <br />
I recommend that you make plans to leave your husband. From what you describe, he sounds crazy, childish and heartless. I do not blame you for refusing him. I think he deserves it. He is probably too stupid and selfish to see how he is at fault in this marriage. In fact, your husband may even be reading your story right now and not even be able to recognize himself. He may think you are just simply asexual. <br />
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Steve, <br />
You can have the rest of the pitcher. I am full.

Wow! Thanks for all the comments and some have even raised my brows. <br />
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In response to vegassbaby; Fortunetely I am not totally dependent on my husband, but, every since getting married to him he has told me how I do nothing for him and in fact there is nothing that I can do for him. No matter what I do it is nothing. I feel out of control of my marriage, because, there is nothing I can do to be a good wife. He wants to be in control of 100% of everything and I feel marriage is 50/50.<br />
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I refuse him not in a vengeful kind of way, I just do not have a sex drive, but, it could be because of my childhood, which I have found to have returned to haunt me. Also, my husband has turned me off 100%, he talks negatively of me and my mothers relationship, my parenting, my past, my childrens father, the list goes on and on. There is no reason for me to do anything involving romance with this man. Immediately after married, we got into an arguement, he went to the basement and stayed for 3 weeks. Yes 3 weeks and ignored me the whole time. I have never in my life experienced anything like this. He continues to do this and I am to the point I prefer it this way. So, after 5 years of this crap, when we do sleep in the same bed, he will not keep his hands off of me. I hate it and it makes me cringe! Why would any woman want to be intimate with a man like this????????????

Welcome IMO2, I hope you will stick around a bit. VB's question is the crux of it, which you probably already know. How much thought have you given to this already? Since you are listed as a single mother, does that mean your marriage is already ending over this or the other problems you alluded to? <br />
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If you have not already committed to divorce, counseling for you and as a couple is in order. I can sympathize with not wanting to be with someone physically when the rest of the marriage is in a shambles, but it is a vicious cycle of withdrawing from one another and truly alienating one another. <br />
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GaDad, thanks for saying it! :-)

I will shut up.

Not sure what drives you .. have you tried counseling individual or marriage. An extended period of disconnect, lack of sex, is troubling. Intimacy, including but not limited to the physical, is the bond that hold partners together. Without intimacy - communication, touch, love, sex - the marriage usually withers. When one parter denies the other it can be toxic. <br />
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Your story as a refuser piqued my interest and I check out your profile ... I was surprised that under "About Me" it said: Independent, strong willed, single mother, mature, and great sense of humor.<br />
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The single mother versus refusing wife seemed at odds. <br />
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In any case, I wish the best for you and your H.

It could be many reasons, but you have to first ask if you want to find your drive again.<br />
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Since you don't have a drive at all, it could be physical. A good place to start would be talking to your physician. Medications can effect your drive as can many hormone imbalances or thyroid issues. <br />
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Or it could be because your marriage is not meeting your needs in which case you'll need to has it out with your husband either between the two of you or with the help of a counselor.

Thank you for your honesty.<br />
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The fact that you are admitting this speaks volumes.<br />
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Now, it is time to be honest with your spouse about why you withhold intimacy.<br />
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You mention that sex is the only thing that you feel you can control. This is HUGE. You need to let your spouse know this, and preferably within the comfort of a sexual health therapist's office. I say this with empathy and firm compassion; I give you kudos for your admission, and if you truly want to heal your marriage you will disclose this to your husband and a specialized therapist who can guide you both to healing.<br />
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Please feel free to PM me.<br />
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Best of wishes to you and husband!<br />
~KP

Well, I see you're new to EP today. I hope you're wearing your armor because some folks here will chew on you for your role as the "refuser". Others of us would like you to stick around and share your perspective. Don't pull the plug too quick...

"but, as our marriage deteriorated I withdrew sexually." - If you can answer that question, then I think you will know why. What has happened in your marriage?