There Has To Be Hope

I have such mixed feelings as I've read story after story on this group page.  I came across your group while googling, "Depression" and "Sexless Marriage"...but, haven't read much about depression on here?

I'm saddened by what I have read, the immediate comments back to newcomers telling them to "accept it and shut up", "cheat", or "leave".  Am I missing the stories of hope?  Stories where the wife or husband has come around?  Stories that after seeing they could lose it all, they've gotten over their issues with sex and been a true spouse?

 I've been married for nearly 6 years to a man I adore.  We did not have intercourse before we were married, by my insistence.  I'm Catholic and had a bad sexual experience in my early 20's.  I decided that I wasn't going to have sex again until I got married.  But I am a very sexual person...even though we didn't do 'it', we did everything else very often and I felt excited and confident that we would have an incredible sex life after we were married.  I was mistaken.

When I could get him to be sexual with me, he seemed into it.  Never had a feeling that I forced him into anything...just had to 'encourage' a bit.  But as the rejection came more often, my spirit started to break and my hope for a healthy and active sex-life vanished.  We've had sex twice in the last 24 months.  I've laid it out as clear as I could that he has GOT to come around.  I dropped it for the last year because his sweet father was diagnosed with brain cancer.  I didn't want to bother him.  But, his father has now passed and I know we have to focus on this issue or our marriage will end.

We are in counseling...still no action, but he's sweeter and seems to acknowledge more how difficult this is for me.  I've gone through all the motions of "why doesn't he want ME?"  "What's wrong with ME?"...but, I'm really past that now.  I'm a confident, smart, attractive, fit, young woman and I'm over blaming myself.

I'm just curious if anyone has a hopeful story to share.  Thanks.

trying2stay trying2stay
31-35, F
12 Responses Feb 18, 2010

I agree with anarchristian that there is little hope for a marriage when the refusing starts at the beginning. This is especially true if you don't threaten to leave and show that you mean it. After 30 years in a sexless marriage, always thinking things would change, and now having my youth, and nearly my virility, gone, I wish I would have made those threats in the first two years, and then followed through. How different my life could have been. Make threats and floow through. A sexless marriage is a life-killer.

trying2stay,<br />
I think that you have a problem with not having sex and trying to have sex at the same time, while your husband is ok with it but thinks that if he does have sex with you at a wrong time, it will end up hurting you and so he doesn't. That does not mean he doesn't love you, it means that he is cares enough to not hurt you in any way possible and i think that you are hurting him, you got to tell him how you feel about things such as your sex life and try to make him understand the things that have happen such as you said that you did not have such a great sex life in the 20's, but thats all from me its about what you feel and think.

I agree with ennA. If gay was the root of these sexless marriages, I think we would hear a lot more testimony in its support. We get the odd person here who claims to be bi- but not many of them. From a refuser's perspective, saying " Sorry, I ****** up. I am gay. " would be easy and of all excuses, would probably be met with some compassion. That is my guess. Just by the balance of probabilities, it seems like it is a dead end in trying to explain the refusal. <br />
Having said that, I know a gay ( technically bisexual ) man who got married and has kids. He loves his wife and he is still with her. She does not know that he is gay. He is faithful and plans to be forever. He has never acted out on his bisexuality -- so he says.

"Gay" is probably NOT the problem. Many people who do not understand the sexless issue immediately assume that, if a man does not want sex with his wife, he must be gay. It is a possibility but there are MANY other possibilities.<br />
<br />
There are almost NO happy stories here, I'm afraid. Please understand that we all came here with the same aim as yourself - to find a solution to the problem that sexlessness is in our marriages. When you read blunt comments such as "Leave, stay and do without sex, or have an affair", it is because we have all realised that these are the only choices open for most of us.<br />
<br />
It is true that there is the occasional success story, but these are very few and far between. I hope your story is one with a happy ending . . .

hi the reason i think your husband does not want to have sex with you is because he is probably gay, sorry

T2S, I think the reason is that sex is a primal instinct that has nothing to do with intellect. If it has not been there for a few years, there is little that can be done to bring it back. That is why there aren't many success stories here.<br />
<br />
You need to understand that this has nothing to do with you. So do not let this take a toll on your self esteem and confidence, you need to stay strong if you want to try to fix this. Also, make sure you going to a real professional for therapy rather than a religious one (not even the Catholic church).

Hi, I have no advice, I am in a similar boat, just wanted to let you know I feel for you. I am so sick of my roomate-like-marriage, yeah he can be nice, I can be nice, we get along, sometimes we don't, we do the best we can to be great parents, so what? we are not real spouses as long as there is no intimacy. I gave up after trying everything. I don't even care anymore. He killed all my desire for him. So sad. <br />
<br />
Whoever said "maybe he doesn't love you".. ...well what about your wife? I guess she doesn't love you either since she doesn't have sex with you. Is that how it works?

TtoStay, <br />
You are right. I am a stranger and I really do not know your situation. I just took a guess to provoke you to introspect. I know it is a harsh guess and I know very well that it could hurt. Trust me, you can not dismiss the possibility that he is falling out of love with you because for many of us, that really is the root of the problem. <br />
<br />
I am a male and I can guarantee you that I could not get an erection for a woman I did not desire. I am depressed too. I suffer from crippling depression due to our family finances and yet, like OctoMoon, I still desire sex with my spouse. Do not accept depression as an excuse. You want proof? You already gave it: he wavers over the reason why he refuses. First it was this and then it was that. <br />
<br />
I am Catholic too. My wife is not. I think I made a huge mistake that way for various reasons. However, my kids are so damned cute, healthy and fun that I have to look on the bright side -- they help me stay sane. However, you only identified yourself as Catholic. If your husband is not Catholic too, say so. That has a profound implication on how marital love evolves, in my opinion. There is more that I could tell you about that which I believe might help you make sense out of this sexless nonsense. <br />
<br />
You also said you have a kid together. I understand that you do not want to split up the marriage for the kid's sake. I can agree with that whole-heartedly. However, I can not give you false hope.

"...haven't read much about depression on here?" Keep reading here; lots of references. <br />
I'm pretty sure my ex was depressed. He refused to try to do anything about it... so I'm on anti-depressants. He also had insomnia, so I ended up on sleeping pills. <br />
Seriously, though, my Dr. put me on anti-depressants for "situational depression" - basically to help me get the strength to pull myself up out of the mire. It worked. I left. I'll be working on getting off the meds come springtime.

Wow. My heart sank when I read, "Your husband does not love you." Took the breath out of me literally. Harsh opinion coming from a stranger. And I guess I should have clarified, we have a wonderfully perfect 3 year old daughter. <br />
<br />
I have spoken with my priest to find out the specifics of an annulment and because of our daughter, he has suggested that I try to work on this as long as I can.<br />
<br />
Therapy -- only been twice so far, so I'm not sure if it's working yet. We are getting along better, but like I said, no action. His current claim is that he is simply depressed and has no sexual drive at all...toward me or anyone else. He's taking lexapro for the depression (which I read lowers libido) and getting his male hormone levels checked to determine if there is a physical factor in his lack of desire. There is effort to find the problem, but it's doesn't change my past hurts.<br />
<br />
I can say that it feels good to 'talk' about this. It's such a humiliating problem for a wife to have her husband not want her that I have only shared it with 2 VERY close friends. This is nice, even if it comes with things I don't want to hear...

Your husband does not love you. I recommend that you plan to dissolve this marriage. <br />
Go to your priest, tell him that you want to have kids but your husband refuses to have sex. That is a valid enough reason to get an annulment. <br />
<br />
Now, my guess is that you do not want to dissolve this marriage. I can understand that feeling. As a guy, I can tell you that there is very little hope if your husband refuses to have sex so early in the marriage.

trying2stay,<br />
<br />
You are correct in saying that there don't seem to be too many success stories in our sexless marriage situation. Unfortunately this is a fact at the present time. I think that as so many thousand of us are actively seeking answers then we might at least have the hope that we can isolate some unifying factors or truisms in our sexless marriages. The more we discuss our situations the greater will be our understanding of what makes our partners tick or rather not tick. Our growing membership must be a powerful force in getting to statistically evaluate our hopes of improvement.<br />
<br />
What would be very valuable to all of us is if you could ask your husband to write a post outlining his perspective on why he does not wish to satisfy his sexually deprived and needy wife. We rarely hear from the low libido partners so his input would be very valuable.