Insights

New events that have occurred within the last few weeks have given me new insights into my H's psyche. The first happened when my youngest was the victim of a hit and run accident. He was on his way home from school and a possibly drunk driver decided to do an illegal u-turn  not only broad siding him but also pushing his small care into the oncoming traffic lane. Had there been another car in that lane at the time the outcome would have been very different. My son called home to tell us of the accident and told me that he had parked his car in a small parking lot while he was waiting for the police. I told him that we would join him. As soon as I told my H he started swearing a blue streak and banging doors while getting ready to go. I very rarely raise my voice to my H but this time I told him that he needed to stop yelling, the accident wasn't our son's fault and getting mad at him wouldn't accomplish anything.

Insight: H has always told us that vehicles are just piles of steel, the important thing in an accident is that no one gets hurt. His outburst showed me that what he says and how he acts are two different things. To say in front of others that accidents where there are only material damage are unimportant makes him look good in front of others. His true nature comes out in the privacy of the home. He was the picture of the loving and concerned father in front of the policeman.

The next event happened when the dog got sick again. The dog has a tendency to develop crystals in his bladder which occasionally blocks his urethra and causes him to drip urine everywhere. The condition is worsened by the junk H feeds him. Anyway, one evening not only was the dog dripping but he was also vomiting(probably the result of junk again) and H starts yelling at him. He yells that he is going to have him put down, but later in the evening I come into the kitchen and see the dog on H's lap and H is letting him lick his face-ugh-ugh-ugh. Drippy dog is still sharing H's bed which makes me so thankful to have my own little( dog pee free) bed.

Insight: I realized that H withdraws his love when he thinks something is broken. He professes to love the dog but is ready to have him killed as soon as he causes any trouble(illness and once with bad behaviour). The sexlessness in our marriage started after my hysterectomy which in hindsight more than likely(in his mind) broke me. The problem got worse during my depression which is big time broken. This was a terrible time and I was very broken. My psychiatrist had me hospitalized in a psychiatric ward for five weeks while my meds kicked in because I was suicidal. My H visited me one afternoon while I was hospitalized and told me he wanted a divorce. I still loved him deeply then and this made me take a turn for the worse. He came back the next day telling me that the lawyer he had seen had advised him that he was choosing a very bad time to do this. If he really wanted a divorce he should wait until I had recovered. I was so grateful. He has never discussed divorce again and today I believe that he had chosen that time because it would have been easier to manipulate me into relinquishing my rights. Thank goodness that lawyer had a conscience.

I know that when I am ready to go I will have quite a fight on my hands to get what is mine. I can handle a fight by myself, I just can't do it while I still have a dependent son at home.

jojewel jojewel
56-60, F
22 Responses Feb 19, 2010

JJ - I might be an incurable romantic, but I think an unhappy marriage involves not one, but two unhappy people. The sad part is that my wife does not miss that part of me who chats on EP. <br />
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You made a heroic gesture caring for that Alzheimer's patient. I know the disease first hand. I also know the misery which brings people to such jobs. When you think about your life, it helps to know it could be worse, much worse.<br />
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When my father's situation has worsened with Alzheimer's, an agency gave me a few phone numbers. There were women in one of Europe's poorest countries, willing to take up jobs caring for elderly. I spoke the language, and I rang up a few at random. The distance was such that this wasn't a month-long job for them. They had to stay for about a year, in a foreign country. I was astonished to hear that all of them were ready to leave their families behind. Some had small children, to be left in care of grandparents. There was poverty, abusive husbands, freezing winters, children with pneumonia, malnourishment. Such human misery.<br />
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Back to your Alzheimer's patient. Chances are, you will find similar jobs, and you may enjoy the change of scenery and the independent income. Just beware that caring for the elderly in their final months can drain you emotionally. It is different from feeling drained in you own private life, but it is still a burden on one's soul. <br />
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So, I wish you find an elderly couple, still able to function, not severely sick, who just need help with shopping and household chores. That can be an enriching experience. Earlier, when my parents were still relatively healthy, I was lucky a good woman in the neighbourhood became attached to them. I was paying her quite a large salary for the local market, but the honest care was worth every cent of it. She came and cried at my parent's funerals, as if she lost her second family.

FoP, you may be right. He is full of bluster. He complains about his customers and swears he'll never do work for them again but as soon as they call he's asking them how high they need him to jump. <br />
Chai, I had found a way last summer. I found a job as a caretaker for a lovely lady with alzheimer's. Her husband took a month long trip to his native Egypt this winter and it was arranged that I would be living there for the month. A month away from home, it would have been great! Unfortunately she took a turn for the worse in November leaving him no choice but to place her. Alzheimer's is a terrible disease.<br />
LoveJeanValjean, Karma can be a b*tch! ;)<br />
Windy, the skies are merely overcast now and I can see some rays! <br />
(((((HUGS))))))<br />
Yemenya, I am definitely happier than he is and I believe that it irritates the hell out of him.<br />
AT, it would be great if they would do that but I do think that they perceive us as property. They don't want us but they don't want anyone else to have us.

Enna - I agree nothing more can be done, when a spose becomes a "refuser". I'm just trying to find a way to avoid the that huge buildup of negative energy. The world would be a happier place, if spouses could quitely say goodby, once they realize they can;t meet each other's needs any more.<br />
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Forgive me for preaching from the high seat. I have yet to try my own advice at home-:)

JJ, the extent of your husbands insensitivity and self-absorption astounds me. I agree with the other posters you are one strong woman and your day will come. You, my dear will do better than survive, you will thrive. Best - Y

K-dog, I try not to sound too much like I'm complaining, so I guess it does come off as emotionless. But at the time the tears were shed and the anger expressed.<br />
nomomisery, all you have suggested has been tried. I do not hate him, but I am no longer attracted to him. He has let his personal hygiene go. He has developed terrible eating habits which has caused him to gain about 80 lbs. And I have no desire to kiss a man who has just let the dog lick his face for half an hour.<br />
AC, I would even say maudite merde!<br />
Polysexminoh, I am very open with my sons who are now adults and they are very aware of how things are. They both understand and support me and they both know how much I love them. The depression is over and I have come out of it better than ever. As for my EP friends, well, I can never thank them enough for their support!<br />
Enna, what can I say except-well said-and thank you for having my back!<br />
VB, I dream of that day! Here is another anecdote you'll enjoy. On my son's birthday I invited his godparents for supper at a restaurant. There were no placemats there, so H spent the entire time rolling his empty water glass around the table. I kept hoping our guests wouldn't notice.<br />
PB, I am also surprised by the need to look perfect while the inside is a shamble. <br />
Don't sell yourself short, you are as strong as they come!<br />
I think you're right, Mary, he won't change. Or maybe I should say he has, because he wasn't this way when we married. As he gets older he has become completely self centered. I keep trying to pinpoint what exactly started that change in him.

My ex-husband is the same way. Now he is remarried to a woman who left her first husband because he was diagnosed with a physically debilitating disease. Both of them took everything they could from their first spouses and their home is overflowing with material possessions. They deserve each other.

Jo, I think your husband, Enna's ex, and my ex are identical triplets. We need to find a way to get you out of there. <br />
Hugs.

The fact that he only had the balls to kick you when you were down (LadyA... cowards... that's what type) very likely proves that you will have little real fighting to do when it comes right down to it. He sounds all bluster and BS, but as soon as someone of authority (or someone he wants to see him in a good light) is watching he is a different man.<br />
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I feel sorry for all in his sphere of influence... you, your son, and even the poor dog...

Not to play Armchair Psychologist, but it sounds as if H has a personality disorder. All this means is that hll likely always be this way...but you already know this. Thanks for sharing this story...stay strong...

Jo, I agree with everything Fy said and am surprised at my ability to remember enough French to read it as well as a little turned on at Fy's ability to write it. ;-)<br />
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I am always surprised when you share details because I can't believe how insensitive some people can be. I can relate to the perfect in public, ******* in private syndrome. My husband suffers from it too, although only as it relates to our relationship. I think your husband threatening to have the dog put down every other minute and being angry at your son for this accident really illustrates his lack of character. He's just a huge dirtbag user. <br />
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You on the other hand are a wonderful and dedicated mother and someone is stronger than she knows. That you have endured all this with your sanity intact tells me that you are far stronger than I could ever hope to be. I keep hoping that an opportunity will present itself to you so that you can get out. <br />
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Oh, and not to pick on lawyers necessarily because I know a lot of wonderful people who are lawyers, but I don't necessarily think that the one you describe has a conscience. He did have the good sense to tell your husband that anything you signed while in the hospital would never stand up in court. It would have been considered signed under duress and anything that came from it would have been null and void too. Your husband is a chicken **** of the highest order that he can only have the balls to "stand up" to you when you are in such a vulnerable state. There is a special circle of hell for people like that.

Continue to be strong! You are among friends here on EP. Lean on us when you need to. Talk to your son about what is and may begin to happen. I'm sure he won't be able to understand all of it. Tell him that you do love him and to feel free to talk to you about anything that is bothering him or just wants time. Just encourage him to be honest and you will do the same for him. <br />
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I know you will do fine in both the divorce and in battling your depression.

Ac, for once you and I are in total agreement!! LOL. Merde indeed!<br />
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Nomomisery - you are obviously well intentioned but you have NO idea whatsoever about sexless marriages. It may surprise you that we (who are genuine members here) have actually tried the dinner, dancing and candlelight routine . . !!<br />
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We've also tried the sexy underwear, the date nights, the hot tubs, the imaginary sexy situations in which we role play . . . We've tried dieting, exercising, buying new wardrobes, wearing no clothes, wearing new perfumes, paying genuine compliments and down right flattery . . . . <br />
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We've tried farming the kids out to the rellos, doing all the housework, doing all the yard work, buying gifts, going on holidays and plying our partners with wine and song . . . We've tried flowers, and jewellry, and expensive nights out at their favourite activities (from opera to hip-hop; from stock car racing to first nights). We've tried taking part in their interests, joining them in their preferred activities and actively supporting them in their hobbies and sports . . . .<br />
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We've tried giving them space, leaving them alone, not hassling them, putting no demands on them . . . And we've tried demands, ultimatums, beseeching, begging, whining, crying and furious "knock-em down drag em out" fights . . . . <br />
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Some of us have threatened divorce, agreed to three-somes, left and come back, offered to leave, asked him/her (the Refuser) to leave . . . <br />
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And ALL of us have told our beloved spouses how much we love them, care about them, want them, need them, desire them, want to be intimate with them and want them to be intimate with us.<br />
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You see, we are actually quite smart people who dearly love ouir sexless partners/spouses - and so we have tried EVERYTHING we can think of - and many of us have gone to extra-ordinary lengths to achieve our goals.<br />
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So please understand that when someone who does not claim "sexless marriage" as an experience comes to our board and makes a suggestion such as your's, it is laughable. You mean well, but you are actually insulting all of us by suggesting that something as facile as you suggest might (a) work! and (b) be something we haven't thought of ourselves!

Merde.

I certainly can relate to this story on some level. I know you write about these things in a pretty matter- of- fact manner. But I know that being abandoned emotionally at the point you need your spouse the most is very painful. I'm glad you emerged stronger and better.

Darling Steve, his day will come. Right now I just can't afford it. I keep looking at the for rent section of the paper and no matter how I calculate it, I can't afford a place of my own, much less a place big enough for both me and my son. I couldn't leave him behind with his father.<br />
Vectorking, I am very calm. I have a great support network of friends(both in real life and on EP) and my 2 sons and am very happy with every other aspect of my life. The more I understand of this situation the less power it has to make me miserable.<br />
BD, I believe you are right-he is damaged. My psychiatrist thought that he may suffer from chronic depression and offered to get him help-he refused. A few years ago I asked if we could go see a sex therapist together-he refused because HE doesn't have a problem.<br />
LadyA, sometimes I kick myself for not accepting the divorce at that time. But when really I think back on it, it is true that I was in no shape to defend myself back then. He really could have made me sign my rights away and I think that's what he wanted.<br />
Ffc, he really can't handle stress or confrontation of any kind. Yes, my day will surely come, I dream about it!<br />
Enna, there are similarities. We have never moved and he's held the same job at the phone company until he retired 5 years ago. That said, he does blame everyone for his troubles. He's been doing general contracting jobs since before he retired. When he starts a new contract he tells me how nice the customer is and by the middle of the job the same customer is now referred to as being an *******. <br />
Lostinthewoulds, I don't think that he could remove himself as the center of his universe because he doesn't see it. It's funny, but it is how he reacts towards the dog that made me realize that he probably can't love anyone or anything.<br />
Fy, ce que vous dites est tres juste!

Oooh la la! Fy! je suis "most impressed"!!

JJ, my first husband sounds a lot like your's . . . I fell for him because I was 18 and he told me I was the "most wonderful person he'd ever met". Naturally I couldsn't sustain this level of "wonderfulness?"!!! So the affairs began on my honeymoon!<br />
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He had the same attitude to other things - jobs, homes, etc. We moved house morte than once a year for the twelve years we were together - because the "perfect home" never stayed "perfect" for more than a few months. . . .<br />
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Itwas always the FAULT of the OTHER when this "wonderful, perfect" situation failed to remain that way. I was a HUGE disapppointment. The "perfect" jobs turned out to be "a con". The "perfect" home turned out to be "lies the Realtor told us". . . . In other words, someone or something was always to blame for his disappointment.<br />
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Does this have any echoes of your husband in it? The one big difference for me was that NOTHING ever put my first husband off sex!! LOL

Lady A: Probably one who can't handle anything too stressful or upsetting to his own life.<br />
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JJ: Some day will be your day. Once on the move, there will be no looking back.<br />
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You are a strong person!

Wow, JJ. Your H sounds like a damaged human being, who behaves like a selfish and cruel *******. To tell you he wants a divorce while you are hospitalized is one of the worst things I have ever heard.<br />
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I think you see pretty clearly, and when you are ready to go you'll be able to handle the fight because you will be free from this disgusting prison.

Stay calm. Even when you think things are stacked against you and you can't see the support from others - they are really there. Take it a step at a time - get your things in order without him knowing. You will have the upper hand. One thing is for sure - you need out. He is abusive. You can be miserable with him around and worried about him and you. Or you can be miserable for just a little while by yourself, all the while with the hope and potential for getting better and stronger without anybody holding you back. Good luck. Keep your chin up.

I don't know about being special, Lifeloveahhh, I certainly don't feel special, but I guess I am strong now and that's why he doesn't bring up divorce anymore. What befuddles me is why I rack my brains trying to understand my situation while he's happy watching TV and picking at his placemat.

youre a special lady Jo. You really do u nderstand the what doesnt kill us makes us stronger school. Youre getting stronger every day, every insight.