Feeling Like An Unsexual Amoeba

I have been married almost 5 years to a wonderful man - our sex life has been destroyed by a relentless string of misery and pain. When we were first married it was great - deviant even! We were sexually adventerous, into BDSM and the works. It was fantastic, playful, perfect. I only pray at this point that I don't forget what it felt like, I want to at least keep those memories.

I married an older man, 20 years my senior. I inherited a wonderful stepdaughter, who later became my daugther after being thrown out by her biological "mother". This was a rough transition for us as a family, the endless court dates, expenses, and mirriad of fights both in and out of the family murdered our sex life.

When we recovered from that we went to TTC, and failed, and failed. After several procedures, including an IVF where we lost two babies two years ago, we stopped actively trying.

Since then his diabetes has gotten worse, resulting in several trips of the paramedics in the middle of the night to our door to inject sugar into his veins when he just couldn't eat or drink anymore.

Since then things get further and further apart. Worse and worse. He holds me and pecks me and once in a while will even dance with me. He snuggles with me at night (when his shoulder isn't hurting). He doesn't touch me in a sexual way. I don't even NEED actual sex, but I need sexuality. One night last year, he started to touch me in a loving way and massaged/held me for 5 or 6 minutes. Those 5 or 6 minutes felt like hours compared to the endless "dry" spell. Even that would be great!

However, our life has shortened into what you like to THINK your parents life is like. (They are affectionate and work together as a team/family but never ever engage in sexual activities)

My sexual life is over before it has begun. Our troubles with our sex life started when I was 24. That seems like decades ago now, and little did I know what "trouble" would really become. I can't cheat and I do LOVE him. I don't even WANT sex with someone else (although apparantly my subconcious does as the dreams are becomming more frequent now)

Sometimes I think I'm being punished for being too easy in college. Or having sex before marriage, or too early, or all the other horrible things I've done.

I've gained weight, substituting chocolate for sex. Which perpetuates a cycle of feeling not like a woman because of my appearance. At least when my husband wasn't attracted to me, but I was thin, I could get a waiter to look at me and at least KNOW that I was still female. All hope of a biological child is now lost, as my husband doesn't even have sex with me. I love my inherited daugther very much, but I didn't get to raise her from a baby and there is such a strong urge for an actual baby. It's possibly a hormonal thing I think.

Regardless, feeling like a loved and cherished woman would at least HELP.

I cry when I have special time with "jake" (my happy shower attachment friend - or not so happy)

20Years2Late 20Years2Late
26-30, F
4 Responses Feb 19, 2010

Thanks for the coment. I'm not (despite my age) the new age type to just look out for myself. I don't have a biological child but I do have an adopted child with him (although most of you will likely look at her as just a stepkid). I wouldn't be doing whats best for me, I'd be tearing my family apart and commiting yet another sin of divorce. They have become part of my family, not just to me, but to my family I grew up with too. <br />
<br />
If it's any consolation we DID have a wonderful sex life in the past....as someone above mentioned helps. <br />
<br />
I don't understand vegasbabies comment, sorry I'm trying to udnerstand it. Well the last parts I get but the first two paragraphs are confuzing me :( <br />
<br />
Anyways, don't worry about me getting knocked up this month everyone...I told him I was on the "O" day last night, he slept for two hours on the couch before coming to bed.

I urge you to consider very carefully committing yourself for the rest of your life to this relationship. It is incredinbbly difficult for those of us who have had children and had wonderful sex lives in our past. For a young woman under thirty with no children, who desires a child of her own, I feel you are quite possibly condemning yourself AND him to years of misery.<br />
<br />
He will KNOW you are unhappy - no matter how much you love him. And sadly, LOVE is NOT enough . . . As you become increasingly frustrated and disappointed, you will become increasingly bitter. This will poison your relationship and yourself.<br />
<br />
I urge you to get counselling to really understand exactly what you need to do that is best for you. Altho it may seem harsh to say you might be better off without this man, I think you may eventually find this is necessary. But please seek the best possible help for yourself - and do ensure he understands exactly what he may be losing by his inactions.<br />
<br />
I wish you much greater happiness in your future. . . .

Thanks, part of it is an ED thing. That much I know because we've talked about that...but part of it is NOT. The problems started before the ED...I caught him with "himself" a few times back then, mostly because his libido is completely dependent upon me being perfect and stress being non existant so being with "himself" was a better alternative to me apparantly. I was a hot young catch he was lucky to have at the time so imagine my insult. <br />
<br />
And no, his diabetes is completely NOT controllable. He's type 1 (no insulin production) and we've tried so many medicines its insane. Type 1's can't be reegulated by losing weight (he's not that big anyways) or exercize or diet. His sugar is extremely reactive to stress and can go to 50 to 500 without any reason at all. I'm just glad we've gotten out of this "low Lulll" the past month where every night he wakes up around 30 and I'm slapping him to get him to eat sugar...<br />
<br />
Funny though, he says that's how he knows I love him, says if I didn't I'd just let him die and collect life insurance.<br />
<br />
And I really do do love him.<br />
<br />
As for your situation, that's ironic and awful! I really don't know what to say except I'm very sorry :(

Just some insight. If he's twenty years your senior and Diabetic, being as out of control as he is, he's probably got erectile dysfunction on top of other Diabetes-related problems. I'm 52 and have been Diabetic for 28 years. I developed ED five years ago and got blamed for "losing interest" in my wife sexually, which is really a laugh because I had an implant two years ago that allows me to have sex literally 24-7 and guess who's not interested? I think you need to study up on his illness. You'll find a lot of what's happening to him sexually is out of his control. Getting his disease under control is in his power though.