Not Sexless, But Climax-less.

I've been married to a truly wonderful, caring and loving woman now for 28 years. In that we have managed to raise 3 great children, worked hard and paid off our home and now have some time and the money to enjoy travelling. Apart from sex, I would say we have a great marriage. We love each other more than ever, but the sex thing is like a burr under the saddle.

The problem is that my wife never climaxes anymore, and doesn't mind if she doesn't. Her acceptance of this eats at my very soul. When I have asked her about this she says it's not important to her and she can't understand why it is so important to me.

When we have sex (it used to be like making love, but that feeling is all but gone now) it's over way too soon for me and I'm left feeling emotionally unsatisfied. Sure I get my release and she says that is enough for her, but the whole thing feels so one sided. I feel selfish and unfulfilled. I also spend way too much time thinking about what sex would be like with other women, who possibly woud appreciate my desire to please and pleasure them.

What I'd like to know is how other men or women would feel if their spouse had the same attitude towards sex as my wife has.

There is a lot more to this situation, but without going into all the details, I just wanted to see what popular opinion is on my situation.

I thank anyone who contributes in advance.

Robert.

 

 

 

morpheous1 morpheous1
51-55, M
8 Responses Feb 20, 2010

Thank you so much for all your comments, every one has said something that fits our situation. What Richardkiss wrote hits the nail the best. I feel there is so much missing in our sex life and I am stressing about it constantly. It drains my energy to be focused on this 24/7 and I wish things were different so it would occupy so much of my CPU time! I know for a fact that my wife doesn't concern herself about this as much as I do.<br />
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Having said all of those things, there are good reasons for the way she is now. Most of her lack of desire is due to a spine operation to remove a benign tumor in 1992. Some nerve damage occurred and this has effected her sense of feeling in her whole vagina and anal area. She simply can't feel anything down there. Before the operation there was the distractions of childbirth and raising young children which ate into our intimacy, but even before all that, our libidos where always mismatched. Mine was higher than hers and although there were time when she would initiate, mostly it was me that got the ball rolling and tried to keep things spicy by suggesting new and different activities.<br />
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So now, she isn't as available to my advances as she works hard and sleeps a lot. If I haven't made a move in 3 or 4 weeks she may start something, and it's always on a Sunday morning, never any other time. It's like going to church, boring and predictable.<br />
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Then sex consists either her getting me off orally or by intercourse, which doesn't last very long. Then it's over until I either push or wait. It's all so predictable and mundane. At times I feel that it's just not worth the angst to initiate any sexual contact.<br />
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We do still love each other and we get a lot of warmth out of kissing, the occasional cuddle and holding hands when out in public, such like we've always done.<br />
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I have been so close to calling it quits over this but have stayed mostly for the kids, who are all adults now and on their own feet, but also because I love her and don't want to put her through the pain of separation.<br />
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She just doesn't see it from my perspective. I've tried to talk to her about how I feel and she says she can't understand why it is so important to me.<br />
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I hope I have explained things properly. This is how I feel and how we got to where we are now.<br />
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Thanks for all your helpful comments. They have all helped in some way, but it will take me some time to fully digest it all and try to fit all this into our situation.<br />
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Regards from Robert.

morpheous,<br />
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I can fully appreciate your concerns about your wife not climaxing but on the positive side at least she makes herself available to you which would certainly make a lot of us in this group much happier.<br />
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During the build up to both partners climax we become much more excited which makes us more vocal and wanting to be so much more passionate. It's the lead up to the climax that makes us thrust more urgently, kiss and suck our parters lips and tongue like our life depended on it and generally act in a much more abandoned manner. The more excited our partners feel the more excitement we feel so it is like a chain reaction feeding and amplifying itself. If our partner is just merely finding it pleasantly enjoyable then we cannot achieve such great heights of sexual and emotional release. We are all seeking that mind blowing, earth shattering, soul defying sexual and emotional explosion of ****** where time stands still and we become as one. <br />
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It is difficult for us to get our partners to really need and desire more sex. I have always thought that the more ******* you have the more ******* you will need and that this need will continue longer into your later life.<br />
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There is so much that I do not know about the female ****** and so much that I would love to learn. I wonder whether if our partners were set the task of using a vibrator to give themselves ******* several times a week and increasing the frequency of climaxes whether after say three months they would actually want and need a greater number of climaxes than before. I wonder if some studies like this to try to increase the frequency of ****** have ever been conducted?

I agree with VB on this one..........while this isn't entirely a sexless marriage, the husband isn't getting what he needs from his spouse, and she doesn't think his suffering is a problem.<br />
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I would try "the talk" and try to get to the reasons for her not climaxing. . . . . is it pain, does she need attention, etc. Read some more stories on this forum and hopefully things may become more clear.<br />
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Good luck to you.

While it's admirable that you don't feel completely satisfied if your wife does not have an ******, I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing. Women don't necessarily have to reach ****** to enjoy sex. Does she seem to be enjoying the experience otherwise? Or do you feel she's just going through the motions to satisfy you? The fact that she's not just refusing you is a major plus for you...just read some of the stories in this group! She obviously wants you to be satisfied! That's not something to be taken for granted. As long as she's getting some enjoyment out of the experience, don't overthink it and just enjoy yourself and be grateful that you are NOT in a sexless marriage!

You know, I totally understand how you feel - the best thing is to see someone enjoying your attention isn't it? But you know, women don't always climax and speaking for myself, it doesn't matter too much, so long as you're enjoying yourself. I guess this is hard for men to understand though as it's kind of different for you - but you are such a nice guy to be so caring about this. Believe me, a lot of guys aren't. But just don't turn on the pressure too much - remember, it's supposed to be fun! xx

You have a successful marriage that so many would give anything for...your wife seems like an understanding woman who wants to please you. And that is what I would focus on. She needs to know that you WANT to please her...that your goal is not just your gratification, but hers. <br />
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I heard somewhere that a woman's ****** happens between her ears, not her legs. It's in her mind more than anything. I totally agree with making her as relaxed as possible so she can let go of what's in her head and enjoy you.

A lot changes over time Morpheous. Day to day stuff eats at a woman and often takes their mind away from enjoyment. Have you tried a weekend away where all her worries are relaxed.. see if that helps. All I can say is good luck. I know if i had known then what I know now.. i would have done things differently. Be proactive man and be caring... even if she doesn't seem apopreciative... she is. Not a lot of guys care.

I can appreciate how you feel. My wife's ****** means a lot to me too. <br />
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I think you may have to accept her testimony and take the good with the bad. Trust her that she olves you and be grateful for what you have.