Further Insights

Since I have been on EP I have been posting stories about my life experiences from childhood till now. In re-reading the stories on my early childhood I have gained some understanding as to why I am in my present situation. I do not lay all the blame for this situation on my H's shoulders because I realize that I contributed, not actively but passively.

I grew up in a family where it was impossible for me to develope self-worth. My father wanted boys and I was a girl, so I was worthless to him. My mother despised my father and I looked like him, so I was worthless to her. So I grew up believing that I was unlovable, add to that sexual abuse and you have unlovable and damaged. No wonder I made such poor choices. I was always amazed when a man told me he loved me, how could he, he must be really great to bring himself to love someone as profoundly unlovable as me. And there is the reason why I married twice, with men who I now realize didn't love me but found in me someone who they could manipulate.

I grew up in extremes, extreme poverty, extreme violence. When I read comments to my stories here saying that my H is abusive, I am always taken aback and have to think about it. Yes, I guess he is but that is hard to see when you've witnessed an aunt being slammed against a wall, or being forced to wear sunglasses and long sleeves to hide the black eyes and the ugly bruises. I am only now starting to understand that control is not only acheived with fists. It is also so against my nature to try and control someone else that I have trouble imagining that someone would want to control me.

While I was in therapy my psychiatrist asked me how I had managed to raise such well adjusted sons. She told me that  considering my upbringing I could have developed a bitterness towards men that could have affected my sons. Well, the answer is that I love men. Much as nothing seems to affect my libido, nothing seems to affect how I feel about men. I love the way they think. I enjoy discussions with them. I love the male body. I love their physical strength. I love their faces, especially when a five o'clock shadow accentuates the jaw line. I also love the sound of the male voice.

Will I ever love again? I really don't know, but if I do, I hope that it will be with someone who loves me as I am and not someone who wants to change me.

jojewel jojewel
56-60, F
17 Responses Feb 20, 2010

''Will I ever love again? I really don't know, but if I do, I hope that it will be with someone who loves me as I am and not someone who wants to change me.''<br />
Wow-only seven months later and not only am I loving someone, but I am being loved back! How drastically life can change, it is truly amazing! And he loves me as I am.

How True, MLS! Not only does it help in understanding ourselves but it also helps us grow.<br />
Fy, je suis tres touché par votre effort. Vous etes un amour!

Nil, thank you for your very kind comment. You make me sound too good to be true-LOL!!!<br />
SixandO, I very much feel the same about you! You are a strong, lovely lady and a darn good baker!<br />
Thanks again for that pumpkin bread recipe!

JJ- I consider myself blessed to know you, I read your stories and admire and aspire to be as strong as you. You are a wonderful person and you will find love again. You have it here as well.

So am I, MusicMouse! This place is a Godsend. It has not only given me the privilege to meet many wonderful, caring people, but it has also given me much support and many answers.

Thank you, K-dog, I do have great friends. All of them gave me their unfailing support while I was battling depression. I will forever be grateful to them for that.<br />
Thank you MusicMouse, for your kind words. I am moving forward. I believe that to move forward it is necessary to understand your past. I am just realizing that considering my past, I didn't turn out too bad! LOL!!!

JJ, you are an amazing person. Your sons are a tribute to you. Will you find romantic love...who knows? But you will develop many deep relationships. Men and women can't help but be drawn to your strength.

Thank you Moxxie. I was blessed with great children!

JJ, you have accomplished so much when you know you have been an exceptional parent and your children are so grounded. Congratulations, that is not an easy feat when you yourself have been so deprived of the most basic necessities.

Hawk, your words have me on another round of thinking. Right now I would really like a hug and a shoulder on which to rest my head.<br />
FoP, what a legacy we have. Our achievement is that we have managed to not pass it down to our children. You are well on the road to loving yourself, I can see it with every new story you post!<br />
Windy, your strength and courage inspire me also.<br />
Durham, I am so sorry for what you have been through. Your positive outlook will surely bring you the love and appreciation you deserve.<br />
PB, I ask myself the same questions. The last time I tried to excuse my H's behaviour to my son, he told me to stop it. He said that as an adult his father should start taking responsibility for his actions. Talk about a kid teaching the parent a few things! :)<br />
Victor, the feelings are reciprocal!<br />
VB, that is another thing I love about men, their ability to make me laugh! ;)<br />
Enna, you make me blush! There are no lines at my door and I don't know if there ever will be, but that's okay, I've found something that is more important-my self worth!

JJ, anyone who is as "ego intact" as you are will find love easily. . . ! People are immediately attracted to that quality and it makes you a very desirable person. Add this to your warmth, your humour, your insight, your generosity of spirit, you creative soul and the genuine female beauty you radiate - I'd say the guys are already forming a line at your door! (PS. Have you looked outside your door lately?? LOL)<br />
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And if VB can even begin to contemplate thinking of someone other than Pen . . . . ! - I'd say you are on a SURE THING when you meet someone who attracts YOUR attention . . . ! <br />
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You go girl! You are a role model for women everywhere - not just those of us on this forum.

Jo,<br />
You're an inspiration to all of us who struggle to remain positive and hopeful. I like you just the way you are.<br />
Victor

"I am finally able to love myself, warts and all."<br />
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This is the single biggest piece of evidence I can offer you that you are an amazing and strong woman! Your sons are lucky people! <br />
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I often wonder and it makes me sad to consider, how do some people come out on the other side of abuse so well-adjusted and caring like you Jo and others are broken and cannot ever find it within themselves to pick up and put them selves together again? Luck, divine intervention, shear force of personality, something else? I don't know, but I am happy that you have demonstrated for us that terrible things need not define us. Very inspirational!

It took me a long time to recognize that abuse doesn't have to be physical to be abuse... for many of the same reasons that you have. <br />
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I still will accept a great deal of emotional abuse as "normal"... but, thankfully, even though I find it very difficult to remove myself from it, I do actually recognize it. The first step along the road to "loving myself" I think.<br />
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You are an incredibly strong woman, and have come through the worst that life has to offer, and remained in spite of it, both kind and generous. I admire you greatly...

Quite an insight!<br />
Here, for the most part, we develop an understanding and friendships through the words on a page - not through our inner expectations or prejudices. This is more like a blindfolded dating exercise - hear those voices in the words we write. <br />
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Ideals are too subjective, jo, yours are not mine, nor anyone else's - so life is more compromise than ideal. Getting the balance is the key thing. In love, life, having and managing without. A rough passion, or relying upon having an understanding shoulder and hug to fall back on. Beyond that, there's so many ready made excuses for misbehaving - you are what your parents were, or what you deserve, or what you know best. Making change, making a run for it, seeking the ideal set of compromises is a gamble few are prepared to take. So, should you decide to try; I wish you every success and all the luck you need. Sincerely. Because jojewel IS a jewel, you have demonstrated that so many times here. Shine; but keep a rough edge somewhere!? You are way too smart to be just what someone else thinks you should be. Right?

Mymanruss, I really don't know if all that will happen, but I know that I am finally able to love myself, warts and all. Some people live a lifetime without achieving that.

Well, what with the insight you have gained about yourself over the years, and your yearning to change and be loved, and to love again, I have no doubt you will love again and find the right person. You know what you want now, what you need, and mostly, what you deserve. You know you are a worthy person, with so much love to give. <br />
You'll find it, when you least expect it; when you are comfortable finally with yourself and at ease, with inner peace. *hugs*