(a Piece Of) My Story. Finally.

I've been a member here for a long time. I haven't posted my full story because it seems a daunting task - there's so much to tell, years and years worth - and it's not fun to think it through and type it all out. I want to post a bit now because I hope I'll feel better if I get it out, and possibly find others who understand and could offer some advice.

I've been with my husband for nearly 21 years (married 11). We have not had sex since August 2008, partly by my choice because it's just not worth it - very unsatisfying, more work than pleasure, disappointing. We have two children and he often blames them for our nonexistent sex life, but the truth is that it was never that great (his libido not very strong; I see this in hindsight), even before the kids came along. I just didn't see the problems then. Blame is one of his talents, or more specifically - rationalizing - is one of his talents.

He blamed the kids. He blamed trying to have kids (as in sex to conceive was a DRAG). He blamed me for not initiating. When I began to initiate, he blamed me for being "too aggressive" (I was not throwing him down and roughing him up!).

He blamed being tired from work, caring for the house, mowing the lawn, etc. He blamed his own "lack of confidence." He actually said he "doesn't know how to approach me" - what does that mean?! We've been together forever?! I asked him to be more precise, to explain this and he couldn't articulate it. Shook his head and shut down.

He asked his dr. for Viagra, came home and showed me the 3-pill sample pack to me. It's been sitting in his nightstand drawer since then - almost 2 years ago.

That last time in August 2008, we'd had a dinner party with some good, old friends. There was lots of good food, discussion and wine - and my husband had his share of all of it. The friends had no sooner left than he passionately attacked me in our living room. I thought "wow! great! finally!" because it had been more than a year by that point. 

We fooled around downstairs for a bit before moving to the bedroom (the kids were at grandma's overnight). Sex was barely underway when he took my hand, put it on my own crotch, and rolled over and fell asleep. He blamed it on having too much to drink - and I know this happens - but this transition was abrupt. I lay there for a long time, listening to him snore and thinking WTF?! I was very angry. It felt like I'd crossed some invisible line.

The next morning we never discussed it. He likes to hide from all problems, we don't discuss anything 'unpleasant' unless I bring it up (and then I'm called a 'troublemaker'). Since then, I've lost my desire for him. I no longer try to plan things for us with the hope that I'll get lucky. I created initimate dinners when the kids were babies. I tried overnights at a bed and breakfast. It never worked out anyway.

I've begun to think that I guess I don't love him anymore, which feels weird after being with the same person so long. I'm not sure what my next step is - I need to continue things for now because of our children, but I don't think I can live like this forever. In fact, I know I can't.

I don't understand because I tried so hard to make this work. I'm attractive - I get looks from men a lot. I even have two longtime male friends who half-jokingly offer themselves up. They say things like "if you ever find yourself single, please give me a call." I think about this a lot. I try hard to be a good mother, I run my own business, we put up a nice front for people as a family, but inside I'm dying to have a WHOLE relationship - not just one that people, including our kids, think is fine.

There. I did it. :)

elizabeth311 elizabeth311
36-40, F
6 Responses Feb 20, 2010

Elizabeth. I just read your post for the first time and the first thing that struck me were all the unfortunate characteristics you pointed out about men in general. Many of us (men) have come a long way but a few of us get stuck and unfortunately demonstrate the character that belittles men. <br />
Most television shows put the man down and make him out to be the clown of the family - this is true in many instances and in others he's the hard nose, no feeling provider of money and nothing more. Your man's inability to converse with you or seek advice or help is all to common among us. It often takes a traumatic event to cause us to change.<br />
I will have 27 years with my wife next month but not all of them have been happy years. I admit that a few of them have been extremely difficult and we are still working out some wrinkles. I joined ILIASM because I was able to vent, find advice and friendship. Living in a sexless marriages doesn't end with sex, it carries on to other areas of the union as well.<br />
You've strayed in your mind - who among us haven't? <br />
Here is my statement - and it's only mine: He is not unusual. He's a man caught in a difficult situation by not being able to perform. For whatever reason he's chosen to deal with it his own way and it's not working. I'm sorry that he won't work with you and maybe, just maybe your talk with him will take root in time and cause a change in the future. <br />
I feel for you and I am pulling for you.

fancy a toyboy lol

Thanks for the welcome and kind words to all who commented. <br />
<br />
Enna: I have thought about counseling for myself. I suggested to my husband 3 years ago that we go to marriage counseling, and he said he didn't think we needed it. <br />
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Six months ago, during a fight, I told him I was thinking of divorce and HE said "you wanted to go to counseling, why don't we do that?" Ok, he can't remember what he had for lunch, but he remembered that?!<br />
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To which I said no. I'm over that. I have friends who went to couples therapy for 8 months and the "homework" they had to do was bullsh*t. I don't want to sit and stare into my distant husband's distant eyes, silently, to "connect" - that's not going to help. I don't want to write letters to him when he lives in the same house as me. Plus I can tell you I already know what those letters would say: the same lines of reasoning that he's said to me for all the years he's been refusing. <br />
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What I keep wondering is why should I want to work to stay with someone who can't be bothered?!<br />
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I'm not asking him to paint the house or loan my family money or work two jobs. I'm asking him to act like he cares about me. If that's so difficult for him, then why should I work at this anymore?!<br />
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He should go to therapy and work on it. I've motivated this guy enough in our 20+ years together. I've had his back, been there for him in bad times, helped move him forward in his career and his life. The least he could do is this. By himself. Without me leading the way.<br />
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20 Years: I think I just answered you without meaning to. ;)<br />
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I'm so mad, just angry as hell. I'm going through one of those spells - as others in the refused camp, you must know what these are - where you're so sexually frustrated that you can't think. <br />
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I have a hard time sleeping, working, I can be short-tempered. I feel stress built up in my shoulder and neck muscles. And I know if I got laid, I'd feel better.<br />
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We've been sexless for eons, but when my sex drive really started revving up a couple of years ago (you know, a woman over 35 and all) I actually thought there must be something wrong with me.<br />
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At that time, I naively Googled my "symptoms" because I thought I must have a hormone imbalance or something. <br />
<br />
Turns out I'm normal. Go figure.

Hello<br />
<br />
It sounds like you're at a decision point, but I have to ask, do you love him in other ways? Is it just the sex or is it his inabiility to be a husband in other ways too?

Welcome Elizabeth. I wish for your sake you did not need to be here - but as you so clearly are "one of us", know you are welcome to our group.<br />
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I think you are moving towards the end of youur marriage. I know how ODD and strange and uncomfortable that feels. We were together 22 years - 20 years married - 13 years totally sexless - when I finally left . . . (And never very passionate altho the first 2 years were pretty good.)<br />
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It takes time - don't rush yourself. I found counselling was incredibly helpful to me in helping me sort out my own thoughts. Not everyone agress - but for me it was a Godsend. Maybe you would benefit too. . . ?<br />
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Post often and feel free to ask questions, comment, discuss and generally avail yourself of the wealth of knowledge this forum represents. May your journey bring you to a better and happier place - wherever that may be for you.

Hi Elizabeth: Congrats on making your first post! I remember my first post because it waw only about six weeks ago. I was very nervous. Even after 'someone' insulted my writing skills(!) I felt incredibly welcomed. Everyone here helped me more than they can possibly know. I hope you have a similar experience.<br />
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Unfortunately, you clearly fit in with the ILIASM group. There are many aspects of your story that are much like mine, so I am not sure how much advice and answers I have for you, but I'll be happy to be of support. We're all trying to work this through together