I Feel So Wretched

I have been married for 15 years and at least 8 have been without any intimacy at all!  I am not going to tell you that it is not my fault nor will I say that it is not hers.  The reality is that we are cohabitants (Like distant dorm roommates)  We share the room and the fridge and the kitchen sink... but NOTHING else.  We used to watch TV together but even that is gone.  We sleep in different rooms, we spend our time in different rooms, we eat together but that is about it. 

I believe very strongly that this is our problem and that I can't say that I have done enough (anything) about it.  I feel so lonely.  Many days I want to run out and start over.  But I am too much of a coward to do that.  I want to feel the passion again.  I am having trouble feeling like I want it with my wife.  I have been in Love (Infatuation?  I am so starved for connection, I don't feel like I know the difference) with a woman I know from work for 3 years.  I have never told anyone how I feel.  I will not cheat.  Cheating goes against my core values.  I spend hours a day wanting to tell anyone how lonely I am and how much I want to get closer with the woman from work.  I think that she feels similar (she is single and the most honorable person I have ever met.  She would lose all respect for me if I told her how I feel)  I feel trapped and too scared/ashamed at my own unwillingness to address the problems with my wife.

About my wife.  She is a very good person, she is dedicated to her children, to me and to her 501c3.  She has never given me reason to resent her beyond our mutual distance.  I don't want to hurt her.  Honestly, I want the cowards way out, (her to find a new love and tell me she wants out)  God I feel pathetic.

I am an honest person by value, I feel so afraid in this case because I know I have not done enough to try to make it better.    I just want to feel connected again.  In my heart, that connection is with the woman I adore at work. 

Sometimes I feel like I am going to be crushed by the weight of the loneliness.  Like I cant breathe.

I just don't know how to move in a right direction.

dadtwice dadtwice
4 Responses Feb 20, 2010

My wife and I are equally complacent. I don't understand her reasons. As for myself, My reason is values of duty mixed with cowardice. This is why I feel so lost. It would be easier if I felt like I had tried and failed in restoring my marriage. But I don't. I keep telling myself that I will get the courage to move toward or away Next month...year...when both kids are adults (1 pretty much there and the other 8 years hence)<br />
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Thank you for the comments. I slept till 6am this morning. I usually wake up at 4 and cant banish fantasizes of happier connectedness.

With all due respect, she isn't showing you devotion. Devotion is an earnest attachment to someone in the case of marriage. It means having zeal or ardor, both terms meaning passion. She's tolerant of you at best. She's okay with having your income around and certainly doesn't mind letting you do your chores but no intimacy? That's a total lack of devotion. She doesn't appear to care how lonely you are or how resentful you feel towards her. You're kidding yourself. You have some options though. If you feel strongly enough about this, you can use the loving ultimatum. Have a Lawyer draw up divorce papers but not file them. Ask her to sit down and talk one night. Tell her how you honesly feel. (Make sure she understands you need to say your piece without interruption.) As you come to the conclusion, tell her if things don't change within X months, you will file for divorce and lay the papers down where she can see them. (Don't hand them to her, let her pick them up.) The hard part is following through if she thinks you're bluffing and calls you on it. Second option, stay until the youngest child is of age and then divorce her outright. Third option is to divorce her now, move as close to your home as possible (like next door if you can) and stay involved with your childrens lives.Fourth option is find a friend with benefits as it's popularly known.

Dadtwice, your situation is so similar to so many here - and so tragic. No matter how often we hear the same story (essentially) it never dimnishes the untold pain of the person for whom it is happening . . . <br />
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What have you two done to resolve the situation? I ask this not to brandish some sort of weapon at you but to genuinely uncover what (if anything) you have been able to discover about WHY she acts like this . . . ??<br />
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And it may in reality be too late to resurrect your marriage. . . My darling man (exILIASM) struggled for years to restore his marriage to a level of intimacy and connectedness, but without any success. Once the two of us met and were interested in each other, it became impossible for him to give any further energy to his existing relationship altho he tried valiantly to do so for several more months.<br />
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Post often and find support, humour, wisdom and good advice from the many posters here.

Dadtwice, what does she tell you about her lack of interest?