The Escape

I haven't posted any significant story since my first, "After 12 years - fast-tracking an escape". 

Taking up where that left off ... 

I'm still here in this group for a couple of reasons.  One is the desire to try to help others, as I was helped here.  Another is that I know I am not healed, and I still find a lot of help here.

So, what happened when I asked for a separation in September ....

He thought it was sudden - we'd been getting along better!  In fact, I'd only been getting better at biting my tongue.    He'd also "forgotten" (?!!) that 5 years before (after 7 affection-less years) I had asked for a divorce and he'd talked me out of it.  I mean, who forgets their spouse asking for a divorce?  In writing?  Once we were able to sit down and talk somewhat sensibly, the plan was to get the house ready to sell, and list it around April (traditional house-selling time here in the great frozen north). Once the house was sold, we would go our separate ways.  No one was forcing the other to move out, everything would be very civilized.  Almost all of his feedback was about the financial difficulty he would experience if we separated.  He spent 2 weeks analyzing our joint bank account back 6 years.
 

Within 3 weeks, he comes to me and tells me that he's put an offer on a house. With a short close date.   Excuse me?  What happened to the plan?  He does not have enough money to buy said house, or the credit rating to get that large a mortgage.  It quickly dawns on me - he wants me to buy him out.  Now, I had been thinking I might have to find him a place to live, pack him and move him ... so I made a snap decision, and said yes.  For the bank to deal with either of us in this situation, we needed a signed separation agreement - so we did the fastest separation negotiation in history.  Well maybe not as fast as VB.  So 10 weeks after I asked for a separation, he was in his new house.   

I did almost all the legal and banking work.  I did most of his packing.  I helped him move.  I let him have pretty much everything he wanted of the "stuff" which included most of the furniture.  I dealt with the junk he left behind.  I dealt with selling the "matrimonial home".  Meanwhile, I shopped for and found a cosy townhouse condo on the other side of town. 

Once I'd gotten through all that ... I was exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically.  I could barely get up the motivation to pack.  I was rattling around in a 4-bedroom house, not doing enough packing, procrastinating, dwelling too much on the past.  And I started finding some strange stuff as I was cleaning up.  Like unopened mail and bills, addressed to me, and not just recent ones either.  I am haunted by this ... was it deliberate?  Or just a symptom of his increasing disorganization?  Or of his increasing lack of consideration for me?  If it was deliberate, why did he leave them for me to find after he moved out?  What else has he done or not done?

And in the meantime there was my FWB ... an arrangement that seemed so sensible when we started it in July, with a total of 20 sexless years in our marriages. It was wonderful.  Except that we fell in love.  And both knew it could not become permanent. So we also split.  I have no regrets about the relationship, or the timing of it ... but geez 2009 was a rough year. 

I moved Feb 1.  I'm still reeling at the speed at which everything has happened.  I didn't expect to even be listing the old house until next month.  Now that I'm moved into my own place, I feel new energy, a new lease on life.  Gradually, I'm starting to put my life together in a new format.  Thank goodness for family and friends who helped me move.  Thank goodness for my wonderful boss who forgave me some major work screwups during this time, and my co-workers who supported me.  Thank goodness for my lawyer, banker, and realtor - 3 lovely competent women who managed to make everything happen according to the new accelerated schedule.  Thank you to my ILIASM friends who supported me and listened to me whine.

I'm out of a failed marriage ... but I admit, I'm still looking for the "why" of the failure. I was trained as a scientist, I work as a technical problem-solver, and not being able to analyze and resolve this is almost as frustrating as the experience itself.  And I may never have an answer. 

Chai07 Chai07
51-55, F
7 Responses Feb 21, 2010

"I do know some things already:<br />
- A marriage partner does not deserve to be deprived of affection or emotionally abused, no matter what.<br />
- Without realizing it, on my own, in the last few years I had already started doing some of the steps to recovery.<br />
- Something in me snapped earlier this year, and I knew I coudn't continue with ANY part of the marriage.<br />
- Although definitely not an ideal fix, the anti-depressants did help give me the ability, as my doctor said, "to drag myself out of the situation"<br />
- We had a lot of happy times together, but my Ex and I should not have married. "<br />
<br />
Chai, I could have written these lines EXACTLY! When I look back I wonder HOW I put up with it all for so long, but it seemed my subconscious was working on the problem for a lot longer than I was. Like you, I suddenly got to the point of knowing it could NOT go on.. . . <br />
<br />
TV, you are keeping us in suspense! When will this "delicious surprise" be given to Bonehead? Can you give us the breaking news first . . .? LOL

Enna, Oh Wise One, : )<br />
Yes. Between your post here, and reading everyone's advice to Kolabi, I was motivated to start learning about co-dependency, a term I'd never heard before. (Yes, I've led a very sheltered life!). <br />
<br />
I've just started reading, so I have a lot to learn and a lot to figure out.<br />
<br />
I do know some things already:<br />
- A marriage partner does not deserve to be deprived of affection or emotionally abused, no matter what.<br />
- Without realizing it, on my own, in the last few years I had already started doing some of the steps to recovery.<br />
- Something in me snapped earlier this year, and I knew I coudn't continue with ANY part of the marriage.<br />
- Although definitely not an ideal fix, the anti-depressants did help give me the ability, as my doctor said, "to drag myself out of the situation"<br />
- We had a lot of happy times together, but my Ex and I should not have married.

Dear Chai, you are a wonderful role model for ILIASM! You may never understand "why" your Ex behaved as he did - but you might gain a great deal from understanding YOURSELF and your own role in the situation. Please know I am NOT saying you "caused" it - just that in any relationship, both people play a part.<br />
<br />
By understanding myself and my motivations better, I am very hopeful that I will NOT repeat old patterns in my new relationship. I'm very fortunate in that Baz has done this too - so we are both very aware of our own vulnerabilities and know our (often unconscious) motivations have the ability to propel us into a negative situation no matter how much we do NOT want this to happen.<br />
<br />
As DaKingPrawn says:<br />
"during that process made some revelations about many things. I have a better understanding about everything,"<br />
<br />
I wish you the best of futures - and I know that when you meet your soul mate, you will forge a wonderful and happy future together. May that day arrive soon for you!!!

I am new too this forum. I have to tell you I find your story amazing. I also live in a sexless marriage, it has been 7 years. I go out of my way to instigate a argument with my husband about sex. Two weeks ago, when he was very drunk, he told me that he was thinking about divorcing me because all I think about is sex. Being the sarcastic B**** that I am, I told him to let me know when he was planning on doing this so I could sell tickets. At this point he became very enraged and hasn't spoken to me since. It is very quiet and sexless around here. I use to like to think of myself as strong and independent, but now ... I cry, because I am so lonely and very far from my family.<br />
<br />
Thanks for letting me vent.

I admire you I never did figure out why or hows, the fact you were smart enough to leave says alot so does it really matter why?

Chai, you are my hero-well actually anyone who makes it out of these messy marriages with their sanity intact is my hero ;)<br />
I understand your frustration as to the lack of answers but I feel that you must resign yourself to that because your STBX will certainly not provide them. Their realities and ours are so completely different.<br />
I'm looking forward to hearing more about your great new(liberated) life!

Nope, you may never have an answer because all humans can lie and human action does not require rules.