Can You Be Unfaithful To Your Own Feelings And Faithful To Someone Else?

I am 46 years old woman married to a 57 year old man.  When we first met 7 years ago it was never great but okay.  I wanted more out of a relationship than great sex and I got it from him.  We got married nearly 5 years ago and went on a 2 week honeymoon and the intimacy stopped.  He just turned if off. 

I have humilated myself so many times trying to get some of what we had but nothing works.  I have begged him to seek medical help if that is what he needs but he refuses.  He lets me know he doesn't need help he is just tired, exhausted, stress, kids in the house (21 & 23)...he has a hundred excuses.  I plan weekend get aways and nothing, birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine Days, New Year's has come and gone and nothing.  

This past weekend we went away to visit his kids and grand kids.  I begged him not to invite the kids back to our hotel but at dinner he invites the grandkids back to our hotel to go swimming and watch a movie.  The kids end up falling asleep and spending the night with us.  I AM DONE!!!

A few weeks ago on a flight I read an article that said: "Can you be unfaithful to your own feelings and faithful to someone else? Is it faithful to lie in bed night after night with someone you love but no  longer desires you? Is it faithful to be monogamous if that means deadening your desires?" 

I finally decided that I could no longer allow myself to live like this.  I had an affair that next night with a good friend.  I have not regretted the affair once, yes at times I feel guilt and I am learning to live with them.  Will I continue the affair I am not sure, we both live in different cities and I visit him every 4 to 6 weeks but I have planned my next trip in 2 weeks a lot sooner than usual. 

I have thought about telling my husband but I think just leaving him would be better.  What good would it do to tell him?  I am not having this affair to hurt him or  do I even expect this affair to work out.  I just want to feel desirable..I want to feel the touch of man on my body...I want to be kissed.  I don't think that is much to ask. 

Willoby

willoby willoby
46-50, F
20 Responses Feb 22, 2010

Willoby,<br />
<br />
I think that when our spouse removed their self from the role of our sex partner, our obligation to them has been terminated by THEM. They are the ones who acted first in bad faith. When we express our complaint that we no longer have in them a lover, and they do nothing to correct that situation, and to make amends... then this is clearly a further cancellation of the contract of fidelity between us and them. Period... <br />
<br />
If you let your sexual needs go unfulfilled then you are in a way being unfaithful to yourself. .. and we ought not do that to ourselves ever.<br />
<br />
james<br />
atlanta

I read your words and can feel every emotion coming out ..I feel this..I am 43 and my husband is 51..and we haven't made love in 3 months, I am so frustrated, ..as a human being we need to feel the touch of another..even if it is just a simple touch of hand on yours..

I read your words and can feel every emotion coming out ..I feel this..I am 43 and my husband is 51..and we haven't made love in 3 months, I am so frustrated, ..as a human being we need to feel the touch of another..even if it is just a simple touch of hand on yours..

Willoby, <br />
If you can afford to leave your husband, I recommend that you make plans to leave him as soon as possible.

From your post, you m arried your husband because you loved him. I understand the part of your post referring to the humiliation and the self doubt about being faithful to a fault. You made your choice and are now contemplating how to follow thru with your final decision. You show compassion when questioning to tell or not tell him. You're not out to hurt him, you just want to feel desired, alive again. Dont let anyone bully you. Being honest with yourself is a hard step to take. Bravo

Lonewolf11,<br />
<br />
I don't think some people here get it. I have gottem so much sh#t about my post. Some have even suggested that I marrried my husband for money. I have even considered deleting my account but a new friend here talked me off the ledge the other day.....<br />
<br />
I was under the impression that honesty was important here but I am learning very fast that it's not. <br />
<br />
I am ready to running away with you just name the time and place.

Bravo! You read/said it, have can one be faithful to another if they are not faithful to themselves?

my advice to you is to read the other posts here in ILIASM. You can then see the pattern and read all the answers. The names change but the stories are quite similar.<br />
<br />
As to telling your husband about your affair .... don't .... unless you are prepared to leave and have a place to go. The urge is to confess, but please don't. Do what you must and never put your family out for your lover ... family first. <br />
<br />
If there ever comes a time when you think you might be able to have more with one of your lovers, then you can leave your husband. This might sound bad and deceitful, but who is kidding whom? It was your husband who deluded you into thinking you would have a sex life with him. He more than likely knew just what he was doing. He married you under false pretenses. He deserves what he gets.

willoby,<br />
<br />
I totally understand the devastating effect of having your husband just turn off sex five years ago. How can anyone blame you for having an affair? <br />
<br />
I think it is possible for all of us to increase our sexual performance, enthusiasm and frequency but for only a limited amount of time. Your husband wanted to marry you so maybe he thought it was a good idea to work hard in this area so that he could acquire his prize. Having achieved his goal he just was unable to sustain the intimacy which you need throughout your marriage.<br />
<br />
Your husband may love you and love being with you but sex and intimacy do not seem to be very important to him whereas for you they are essential. I feel your desperation and in my opinion it can only be sated in the way you have already found.

Word girl. I think that people are told with fairy tales that love and intimacy are forever once you meet the right one.<br />
I think that we are animals with animal urges. <br />
What you describe happening to your husband happens to me as well.<br />
I lose it after enough time.<br />
This is one of the reasons that I do not do relationships anymore.<br />
I don't want to hurt anyone else and this seems to always be the outcome. No?<br />
It is human nature.<br />
Maybe you both can have extra marital sex. Together? Maybe.<br />
It will bring you closer or push the both of you apart.<br />
But also, I am only 27 and still a baby in experience to you but, I know what your husband is doing. I do it too. He loves you but his genetics are telling him to move on and impregnate another female.<br />
Thats the way love goes as Janet put it.

think what Zobras is trying to say is that a lot of us on here are younger and got involved / married and committed 200% sure that this was a life partner, who we were 200% compatible with forever (and this includes sexually). To go into it like you did I am sure you have reflected back and from your first few sentances have said it was just "Okay".<br />
<br />
It is therefore devastating when people change - it seems that your husband was like it with you from the start (which may not be you - it may be him). Maybe the age difference is a big issue? Is he on any meds? Does he have any illness'? Maybe he's always been this way? Does he ********** himself? What about Viagra?<br />
<br />
One things for sure if he finds out about your fling he will most likely be devasted and your life/lives will be ruined for a long time - if not forever. I speak from experience.<br />
<br />
If he has doesnt care you should seriously think about your future with him because IMHO (unless he wants to watch / gets turned on by it) the idea for most blokes of their Wife with another man would send them nuts.<br />
<br />
If he finishes it you might be in a worse situation because an affair is ultimatley selfish and if others get to find out as it effects the way others see you for a long time. This includes family. ONE of my friends stood by me. The others all judged and made me feel worse. My family sided with my wife (of course) and ditched me.<br />
<br />
If he has you back he may NEVER want you again physically. My Wifes I dont blame you for having sex outside marriage ! god ! I really feel like it again after 5 years of being back and totally committed and loyal and re-building marriage (and it getting me not very far! apart from practicing as a near-monk)....<br />
<br />
........but please think very very long and hard before you tell him and also think the same before you even consider getting emotionally involved enough with someone to finish your marriage / move out. If you decide not to tell him be aware he will probably find out / realise at some stage anyway - See above for poss.consequenses:<br />
<br />
If you need a **** buddy or "special friend" thats fine - why tell you Husband? Easing your conscience is not enough to risk everything for. Your husband might be fine with it - but I doubt it... I suppose there is a chance if you tell him he might change to prevent you from leaving?<br />
<br />
If you think it is over - same applies - just go - he doesnt need to know but you can site it as reason with lawyers. He is not stupid and you have told him time and again? Good luck with it anyway - you are lucky to have the choice. A lot of us with kid/s do not feel we have a choice.<br />
Best wishes.

I think what Zobras is trying to say is that a lot of us on here are younger and got involved / married and committed 200% sure that this was a life partner, who we were 200% compatible with forever (and this includes sexually). To go into it like you did I am sure you have reflected back and from your first few sentances have said it was just "Okay". <br />
<br />
It is therefore devastating when people change - it seems that your husband was like it with you from the start (which may not be you - it may be him). Maybe the age difference is a big issue? Is he on any meds? Does he have any illness'? Maybe he's always been this way? Does he ********** himself? What about Viagra? <br />
<br />
One things for sure if he finds out about your fling he will most likely be devasted and your life/lives will be ruined for a long time - if not forever. I speak from experience. <br />
<br />
If he has doesnt care you should seriously think about your future with him because IMHO (unless he wants to watch / gets turned on by it) the idea for most blokes of their Wife with another man would send them nuts. <br />
<br />
If he finishes it you might be in a worse situation because an affair is ultimatley selfish and if others get to find out as it effects the way others see you for a long time. This includes family. ONE of my friends stood by me. The others all judged and made me feel worse. My family sided with my wife (of course) and ditched me. <br />
<br />
If he has you back he may NEVER want you again physically. My Wifes <interest>
I dont blame you for having sex outside marriage ! god ! I really feel like it again after 5 years of being back and totally committed and loyal and re-building marriage (and it getting me not very far! apart from practicing as a near-monk).... <br />
<br />
........but please think very very long and hard before you tell him and also think the same before you even consider getting emotionally involved enough with someone to finish your marriage / move out. If you decide not to tell him be aware he will probably find out / realise at some stage anyway - See above for poss.consequenses:<br />
<br />
If you need a **** buddy or "special friend" thats fine - why tell you Husband? Easing your conscience is not enough to risk everything for. Your husband might be fine with it - but I doubt it... I suppose there is a chance if you tell him he might change to prevent you from leaving? <br />
<br />
If you think it is over - same applies - just go - he doesnt need to know but you can site it as reason with lawyers. He is not stupid and you have told him time and again? Good luck with it anyway - you are lucky to have the choice. A lot of us with kid/s do not feel we have a choice.<br />
Best wishes.

It is tough living in a sexless (or near sexless) marriage. I would caution you about the affair. I'm not saying anything about whether it is right or wrong. What I will say is that it may cloud your judgment about your marriage. Best to decide on the merits of the marriage without the lure of an affair to distract you.<br />
<br />
IMHO, the sex issue is all him. If it were stress, tire, exhausted, then the hotel should have helped him to relax. Him inviting the grand kids is telling.

Zorbas,<br />
<br />
You don't know me or my situation. I have only posted a small part of my life her and about my marriage. I didn't post here to get empathy from you or anyone else just to share my story. My husband and I are the only ones that knows what goes on behind close doors in my marriage.<br />
<br />
If you have questions about someone's personal life maybe you should ask and not just make statements that are without merit.

It seems you made a compromise originally going into this relationship , for as you say plainly here that is was okay but not great. While I can fully understand your current feelings and your seeking sexual solace elsewhere I cannot help but feel you have used this relationship to suit yourself from the beginning..<br />
<br />
It appears that it was not a deep abiding affection that motivated you from the start. At least that is what I glean from your posting. It might serve both your spouse and you well to now severe this alliance since it seems that you are unhappy and he is being treated somewhat unfairly. from my perspective, <br />
<br />
In retrospest, It might have been more equitable to have never bonded with this man at all. You merely settled for less initially and have now found the circumstance undesirable. I must admit that I have a stronger empathy for your husband than I do for you in this but nevertheless I do wish you well.

willoby,<br />
<br />
Your husband knows that he cannot satisfy your sexual desires but he is not strong enough or honest enough to tell you. To accept this would make him feel inferior that he cannot satisfy you. Of course all his reasons for not making love are only excuses. As Vegassbaby says he is the same age and I bet he never says he is too tired or stressed. It's the same with me. I'm 59 and have never turned sex down even once for any reason. I am sure that people like me with a high libido enjoy touching and caressing even when they cannot squeeze out another ******.<br />
<br />
How you can get your husband to want more sex and intimacy is the same problem we all have with our partners. I wish we all knew.

Unfaithful to our own feelings, yet faithful to someone else. Seems that is what many of us here do regularly. Good for you for taking control of your own needs despite the lurking doubts about your relationships shelflife. Life is so short, we all need to find true happiness

willoby - WE DO DESERVE MORE ! <br />
<br />
I'm afraid of cheating thou - diesases, and my husband finding out would cause one of us to go to jail - we both have tempers..... LOL - Thought about it much....but I was never good at keeping secrets.....<br />
<br />
but i hate that I am dwelling on this issue way too much.....out of 18 hours awake - I think about it almost once an hour!!! or more.....sad.

I do think that the age difference has made a difference but how much of a factor is it? <br />
<br />
I have thought about having an affair for sometime now but I just couldn't justify it...then when I read that article I was able to see it from my side. I have always seen things from his side....I realized I was being robbed from my needs. I deserve to loved, hugged, kissed, touched and made to feel like a woman. Once I came to the decision to go ahead with the affair I had to know that I might one day have to deal with the consequences of the affair and I am prepared to. <br />
<br />
I guess maybe it sounds cold or maybe I sound like a man would think but I deserve more.

Do you think Age plays a HIGH factor in "our" issue? I'm 30 - hubby 38.... <br />
<br />
I've been having trouble sleeping lately...same old thing - why doesnt he WANT me sexually....WHY is this killing me the way it is.....If i did ask for a divorce - I cant imagine someone being a step mommy to my child....Is what a yearn for only because I cant get enough??? If I were to cheat and he found out - Could it make our relationship better??? He's already possesive and throws digs all the time about my "other" men.....I never have cheated or wanted to before........UGH......just to be fully happy again....and then I wake up and his wondering why I'm being bitchy.....Mmmmm...another solo night...... one small step - this weekend he did say yes to marraige conseling........but is my resentment to him too far gone????