No Sex

My husband and I got married in the fall of 2005; Father's Day 2007 was the last time we had sex!!  Up until that time, it was almost a nightly affair, then nothing.  He went to the doctor, at my encouragement, got pills, took  2 without my knowing about it, swore they didn't work, didn't take them again.  Went back to the doctor, got another prescription, didn't even have that prescription filled.  He swears he isn't having sex "anywhere with anyone" and that he doesn't know why he doesn't want sex any longer.  He is 65 years old, in great health, but seems perfectly content to do without.

He won't discuss it with me - just refuses to talk about it.  So, we sleep in separate rooms - he's always trying to hug/kiss me, but I'm not interested; if I can't have it all, I don't want any of it.  Is that wrong of me??  I miss him, I miss the intimacy that we shared, but now, he has taken away my self esteem.

My ex left me for another woman and that played heavily on my self esteem and now my current husband doesn't want me either.  I'm very depressed and don't know what to do.

coolady coolady
66-70, F
9 Responses Feb 23, 2010

Gosh, thanks guys, and gals, for all your input. My husband is really an okay guy; he just doesn't want to have sex with me.<br />
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Several comments caught my eye, including the one about my appearance. The first thing I do, when I get out of bed each morning, is to take a bath, dress (usually casually, if I don't have plans for the day and just stay home - jeans, sweaters - but nice clothes) do my hair, and put on my makeup (mascara, foundation, blush, lipstick, gloss, etc.). I may be getting on in age, but I definitely look 20 years younger and act 20 years younger. I am NOT an old 69 year old woman!!! <br />
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When we were still intimate, he was made to feel as though he were the only man in the world!! And HE WAS as far as I was concerned. I was very loving, very affectionate, very caring. However, after so long a time, I became numb - I was so devastated by his lack of attention sexually, that I pulled back from him and can no longer bring myself to kiss him or be affectionate. I still love him, I still definitely want him in my life, in my house, but I want it all. And when he kisses me, it seems to me a mockery of what we don't have - a sex life.<br />
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We still spend most of our time together, except when he is away working, and then he's coming home every few minutes throughout the day, so he's never far away. We enjoy each other's company, but I ain't a happy camper! I'm sorry but I still have a healthy sexual appetite and I think it's my husband job to satisfy that appetite. If it were me in that position, I would be in every doctor's office until I found out what was wrong with me and what are we doing to do to fix it. I wouldn't do my husband that way, under any circumstances.

VectorKing ---- Dont tell anybody that they dont belong...And no name calling!!!! You only show your Arse when you post something like you did.<br />
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RichardKiss---Thank you..I was only trying to help Coollady... I still want to wish good luck to Her and her situation.

Clanman,<br />
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I think all your points are valid and well thought out from your perspective. Everything you say makes sense to me because I can see things from your point of view assuming that your libido may have waned a bit. If a guy has reached the stage when his hormones are no longer raging then I think that these factors may become more important to him because we are looking for reasons why we no longer want to have sex anytime and anywhere. When we do not desire sex so much we rationalise our feelings so that we can try to understand ourselves. I believe this is exactly what our low libido partners do and they often get shouted down because we do not understand their perspective. <br />
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By the way I like your photos. I think if more people shared their pictures we would be more ready to show a greater empathy towards each other.

coolady,<br />
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It's good to hear from you. If your husband says that he doesn't know why he no longer has the desire to have sex maybe the most likely cause is hormonal. I think a rapid decrease in sex hormones could have a dramatic effect on one's libido.<br />
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Your husband does not want to discuss his lack of libido with you because he feels it is his fault and his weakness. If his hormones are at a low level then it is understandable that he has little desire for sex and that even if he tried to satisfy you in any way he would be trying without any need or passion.<br />
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My wife has only a tiny desire for sex in comparison to me. I can accept the lack of sex to a large extent but it would send me absolutely insane if I was not allowed to touch her. Even to rest my hand on her side when we are in bed so that I can fall asleep in contact with her is so important to me. To not be able to even touch her would be something that would send me into the arms of another faster than anything else. To touch, hold, cuddle and caress swells my heart with love and makes me feel strong again. My wife could do without me touching her but to ask that of me would be impossible.<br />
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I notice with interest that you are in the next age bracket above me and this is heartening because I definitely do not wish to lose my sexuality but I was a bit worried that there don't seem to be many posts from men or women over 65. It is reassuring for me to hear that there are still some mature women who still desire a good sex life.

By the way - pay no attention to what Clanman said. That is complete and utter BS.<br />
It is very obvious he doesn't belong here - if he knew - really knew - what all of us were talking about he would NEVER bring up anything like grooming, scent etc.<br />
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We laugh at those morons. Note to morons who post crap like that: WE HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING YOU SAID AT LEAST 10 TIMES. It's like saying 'my car won't run' and the mechanic says 'did you check to see if it has gas in it?'<br />
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Anyway - hang in there. Many people here to hopefully help. I would say maybe accept a little hug/kiss stuff for a while and see if that helps. If it doesn't, I am afraid you are in for a bad one.

There are alot of reasons why we men lose interest in Sex... It's not that we lack love for you... It could be that romance gets put on the back burner for so long that sex becomes just plain work! I would say that pushing away the occasional hugs and kisses doesn't help at all. What I have found is that we men like the feeling of being looked up to... needed....desired... The expectation that some women have of their spouses... to just be ready to have sex at a moments' notice... is moe pressure than we can deal with...<br />
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When we first got together... there were sparks... thrilling feelings of the unfamiliar.... the mystery! Then we settle into routines of life... too often, we men are reminded of the things we have done wrong in our relatonship. It is a kind of verbal abuse...Why didn't you do x....y....z...?" Years of this builds up and the berating has an effect on the self-esteem or confidence, if you will. When that male confidence is shaken... The libido gets shaken with it. TRY TO THINK BACK TO HOW YOU TREATED YOUR HUSBAND POST-COITALLY, did you make him feel like he was the best lover you ever had.?..Did you cling to him, trembling? Did you whisper to him how satisfied you were ? <br />
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These are just suggestions from a man's point of view<br />
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It could be something simple... like... how do you groom yourself? Do you notice how you take care of your private areas. What about scent? Try to build your man's confidence...Not just in the bedroom. Does he have physical limitations... does he have back pain? Some things are fixable... some are not. nI wish you te best of luck!

Coolady,<br />
I can understand why you feel that you don't want the hugs, etc. That is how I feel as well. My H continues to act as is everything is just fine, gets upset if I try to talk about things, etc. So I quit trying to talk to him about our lack of sex life, I quit initiating, because I had been the main initiator. And I no longer want the occasional hug, peck on the cheek, etc. If I can't have the whole enchalada, the hugs and pecks to me are just a cruel reminder.<br />
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So I don't think it is wrong of you to not want the hugs, etc. My H and I also sleep in different rooms, (his choice). We basically act like civil room mates to each other at this point.

Coolady, welcome to the group.<br />
You said "he's always trying to hug/kiss me, but I'm not interested; if I can't have it all, I don't want any of it. Is that wrong of me??" It's not wrong, understand where you're coming from. Understand how hurt you are feeling. But if you read more on this site, you will find there are many of us who would love to have even the smallest scrap of affectionate and loving behavior from a spouse. My advice would be not to push him away.

when he hugs and kisses... maybe grope him and ask to borrow something for a bit ? it would work on me :)

"Is that wrong of me?" - If you are hungry, and someone gives you one french fry, it is better to refuse it than to eat it and then have the hunger totally consume you. Is it wrong? I don't know. But, it is totally understandable.<br />
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If there is a pill for sexual desire (as opposed to sexual performance), consider discussing a testosterone pill. There are lots of issues if a woman takes it. But, for a man, especially an older man, many of the risks are non-issues. Hormone pills take time to build up. Note: I am not a doctor, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.