One Of The Many It Seems...

I am a man married 15+ years.  Like many of the people here the sex has went down hill, and off a cliff over the span of our marriage, but I still love my spouse and daughter.  My wife has experienced medical issues that I assume has not helped the situation any either, but it is not the root of the issue.  I find after discovering this site that I am not alone with the range of emotions I deal with as a result of the lack of a sex life with my spouse.  I however feel lucky to say I get it about eight times a year.  When we do make love I feel it is excellent, and my wife still turns me on.  While I think sometimes she fakes it a bit, I would say that is a rare occassion.  I truly get the idea she loves it and enjoys herself.  For those few moments we do connect.  However it is that other times that drive me crazy.  Also I always have to initiate it.  The rejection used to make me mad.  Now I just don't try most of the times.  I make a few advances and can usually tell if it is going anywhere.  I have numbed to the rejection part of it.  I don't feel there is any question she loves me.  She tells me that there is no romance and that it the problem.  She totally equates it to having some huge romantic evening and then maybe we'll have sex.  I agree with that to a certain extent, but it cannot always be like that.  What is wrong with sex for sex's sake.  Just hot raw down and dirty sex.    Am I off base for that?  I guess I have gotten a bit resentful about having a price to pay to have a chance to get it.  Also there are times I think I might try, only to hear "i am so tired..." etc... so once again I don't try.  Another woman is not the answer as I have been there early on when things started slowing down.  I have also looked at my own sexuality as a result of years of coping with this.  I basically satisfy myself as much as I need to.  However that does nothing except take care of the sexual part of it.  Emotionally that does nothing.  Anyway I appreciate this forum to "vent" as well as hear about other's expereinces and things that might help my situation. 

biggddy64 biggddy64
41-45, M
7 Responses Feb 23, 2010

Attaching conditions to having sex almost reduces it to prostitution. Tell me what the basic difference is from... "if you were more romantic I'd have sex with you", or, "If you did more housework I'd have more sex with you"... to "if you gave me $200 I'd have sex with you".. For another $50 she'd probably even pretend to enjoy it!

Women tend to use the not enough romance a lot as an excuse to get out of sex. It is sad but true.

What I have determined is that I will do as much as I can. If my wife still does not respond, it is no longer my problem but her's.

Altornup..... Other than the usual stuff, She don't want sex. She always says it is her. However I can't help but wonder is it because I am to kinky? (I find that the more I am left to take care of my own needs, I am more liberal with the the info I use to arouse myself.) She knows my desires, even though I woukd never act on many fantasies. I find myself blaming myself with no way to know why there is the problem., but know that It isn't really my fault.. I really don't know why she don't like it anymore. She had a hysterectomy. That could have been the beginning. I gave her space to deal with that, and it has been down hill since. She just can't get motivated. However, am I wrong to think she should give it up to me whether or not she wants to do it? At this point 2 times a month would be good.

I appreciate the insight from everyone. I am glad I ran across this site today as I have been able to express some feelings I have not been able to with my spouse. (Albeit she knows how I feel about our lack of a sex life.) I know I am probably not the person she married and figure she has issues with me, but having sex did not always come with requirements or restrictions. We both liked it. My drive has not changed, hers obviously has. I don't know how to deal with that aspect of it. ( What has changed? I am still aroused just getting in bed with her night.) However clearing some thoughts and reading posts on this site has helped me look at the situation from a different perspective. I am feeling better about addressing the issues and hopefully work them out, Otherwise we will continue down hill.

"She totally equates it to having some huge romantic evening and then maybe ...<br />
I guess I have gotten a bit resentful about having a price to pay to have a chance to get it."<br />
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Well you can find lots of sources for romantic inspiration that might not cost an arm and a leg (NO, guys, I'm not going to spout off about candles and music : ). But I have to wonder why does she need you to prove it / pamper her / go through the wine & dine routine at a price seemingly EVERY time? What would happen if you asked for a compromise, maybe every second time?<br />
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And by the way, welcome to the group.

You said what I have said before - you try a little and see that there is no hope then don't try again. The rejection over ways the effort. You don't try - you always used to initiate. Tons of similarities of other people's stories here.<br />
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If the medical problems are huge, you may want to ferret those out and figure out a happy medium. However, I get the feeling that no effort on her part equates to wavering to no effort on your part. Yep - that's where I am too. No initiation = no effort. It was bound to happen.<br />
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Just don't let her start to criticize you for not being romantic. If you've honestly tried to no avail, then she should be told it becomes harder and harder to keep trying without any reciprocation. It's a sad twisted circle, but one has to stop spinning if it's in vane.

No, you are not off base. <br />
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Your wife's demand that she needs a long drawn out romantic evening to get her into the mood is bunk.