Not Completely Sexless But....getting There?

I have so much on my mind right now I don't know where to start. All I want is for people with a little more life experience in this sexless area to give me opinions and advice based on their experiences and knowledge. I love my wife and it is hard to imagine life without her even though I get mad sometimes and want OUT! We have been together 10yrs and married for 3 with a baby which makes all this even harder on my thought process and emotional state. Like everyone else sex started great early in the relationship...duh! Over the last 5 years or more I have had to initiate every time. I get rejected about 10 out of 11 times and the one time I get lucky usually sucks because my wife is not the most exciting person in bed. I usually get "okay you have 2 minutes or hurry up I have to blah blah blah." I have read up on being more romantic, better in bed and being a better husband. I am still not seeing positive results. I use to work 5-6 days a week while she was in school but now I am a stay at home dad Mon-Thurs and work Fri-Sun. I do 95% of household chores/cooking and basically all the shopping. I have heard of house wives feeling neglected and unappreciated for all their hard work between kids and keeping their households together. I am in the house wives shoes in addition to working my *** off on the weekends. I feel like I am doing it all and I would really, really, really enjoy quality sex with my wife. She has not initiated in longer than I can remember and her way of doing so is to say, "do you want to have sex?" Hmmmm.... well yeah but thanks for turning me on and giving me a tinge of affection first. I don't want to be less of a man for expressing my emotions all sensitive and what not but if I just wanted to F***, I'd be a single manwhore doing anything that walks. Seriously! Old, young, druggies, anorexics, BBWs, bi-polars, normal people and whatever else would come my way. For me this is about love and complete fulfillment in my marriage.

On V-Day we were in the midst of foreplay when suddenly she was "ready" and said okay, "f me now." This happens almost every time. I will be enjoying foreplay and she says okay "f me" and thinking about it now, it's as if she doesn't enjoy our sex and wants to be done ASAP. I know she ******* through oral and I enjoy doing it very much. The ****** part is when I get half *** love back. Between constant rejection and what seems to be her lack of interest, our sex life feels like it is nearing non existence. Whenever I go to hold/hug her, kiss her and be close I get pushed away more times than not. There is always some reason, sometimes reasonable but usually a BS excuse to tend to her things. I sort of feel like I get put last behind everything else. Honestly, I could be happy being last if I just got regular sex and she seemed more interested. I will add more info as time goes on. Did any of your sexless marriages start hitting bumps in similar ways?

Some additional info:

-She once told me I turned her off because I wanted to have sex with her in the car while we had time to kill in the middle of no where. With time to kill, no one around and nothing to do I thought sex was a great fun idea. The "turn off" comment has stuck with me and  I get sad then pissed off every time I think of it.

-I tried initiating last Saturday night and while being pushed away was told. "If you wanted to have sex you should have helped me with the baby." WTF! REALLY! WTF! Being a parent is a 24/7 job! REALLY? The baby isn't stopping me!

- My wife "needs" to be asleep by 9PM during her work week which has basically cut me off from any sex Sun-Thurs. I am really hurt and frustrated.

-I have addressed mostly everything here with her but she is who she is. She seems aware, says sorry but then life continues the same.

-I understand her birth control could be a problem but regardless I want to know:

Am I headed towards a sexless marriage? I have communicated my feelings to my wife. Maybe not in the best way but I tried. No matter what I say or do nothing is changing. Why is it I always read how women love being cooked a romantic dinners with all the extras.....I do so on a daily basis.....and get nothing in return! I know my wife well enough to know what she likes, I do those things to make her happy....for what? I don't get it.

BrainIsConfused BrainIsConfused
26-30, M
4 Responses Feb 23, 2010

I concur. <br />
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Seriously, you need to do something NOW; things won't get better on their own. <br />
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The major problem I had (looking back) was an inability to communicate with my wife (brought on by her passive-aggressive tendencies). Communication is key. Eventually, I discovered that the lack of sex was merely a symptom of something much deeper wrong with our relationship. Time (and separation) has validated this many times over, yet leaving home was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I am emotionally happy now for the first time in many years. Looking back, I wish I had made this decision a long time ago. Finding someone new, who truly loves me, has transformed my life.<br />
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You need to examine whether your relationship with your wife is likely to be fixable. If not, my advice is to get out as soon as possible for the mental and emotional well-being of all involved. Learn to love and respect yourself. Be positive about YOU. Life is not a trial run... this is all you get. Make a mess of it and you will go to your grave a sad and unfulfilled individual.<br />
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Best, M

BIC - in short, yes, you're in for more of the same. Read my stories, I'm 10 years down the road ahead of you. You will not outlast this problem; it does not get better by itself.

AC - this isn't the start - he is mid-stride.<br />
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You could substitute my name in wherever you appear in this story and it would be mine. Sorry to tell you that. One thing I will comment on - don't listen to anyone's BS about doing MORE housework, giving MORE room to breathe, helping with the child(ren) MORE, just being MORE than you already are. It is a 2-way street and you my friend are the only one traveling down it.<br />
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You are so far ahead of some of us - I hate to say it, but you need to head this off as fast as possible and lay out all of this to her as definitive as possible and then deal with the consequences. If I had someone to talk to 10 years ago with all of this happening (it was for me then), I wouldn't have kept trying harder and harder in vane. I made the mistake of trying to change me, her, our surroundings, etc. and it didn't work.<br />
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You need to stop somewhere. Where is it?

Yup, you are headed towards a sexless marriage, indeed. <br />
Excuses, excuses, excuses. You sound like you are clever enough to suspect that your wife's excuses are all bullshit. Let me tell you, we have heard them all before. Those excuses are just her avoidance of telling you the truth. She is afraid to admit to you that she does not love you. <br />
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I must say that I firmly believe that child-birth temporarily drives women insane. You have to give her a little bit of lee-way in that regard. I know, I know, you are doing all of the housework -- that is tough luck. You have to suck it up just like you have to hold doors open for women. Nevertheless, the temporary insanity is not a free pass forever. Your wife has to show signs of progress -- only you can decide whether you are comfortable with the progress or not. <br />
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However, without a doubt, your story sounds like the start of a sexless marriage.