I Am Lost !

I cant leave. I love my family too much. I love my wife too much despite all her / our problems. I begged her not to consider another baby so soon after we'd got back together in 2006 (post affair - trial seperation). Obviously because it involved rare sex contact I got talked into it despite fact I felt it more important to rebuild and strengethen what was left. At week 12 we were having intercourse with her on top and daughter asleep in next room and I felt something gush all over me. For a second I was delighted to think it might have been 1st time she had really come hard if you know what I mean, but it turned to panic as we could smell blood and a lot of it. She was bleeding heavily - everywhere. It was all over the bed and all over the bathroom. I had to dial 999 and we dealt with it quietly as the guys arrived looked extremely pale as they took her off. I couldnt get there for ages as I had to wait for my Bro to go get my Mum to come and sit whilst I cleaned up and raced to the hospital. If the little one had walked in on that she'd have been scarred for life. At hospital we thought we were looking at our son in the bottom of the commode. We were very close at that moment but very distressed.

She spent most of the pregnancy in and out of hospital with the same. Last 6 weeks stuck as an in-patient - everytime she stood up in the morning she bled. Elective C.Section and the Surgeon also pale as we had also all witness her circulating blood volume emptying onto the floor. I remember it creeping towards my feet up the head end as she started to go pale and sweat. There was a lot of tugging and pulling. I was presented with my little boy by an experienced but clearly very shaken surgeon who immediatley said she could never ever have another child or she would prob.die. He asked on the spot what plans we had for contraception. I think she has PTSD from all of this. This didnt help the shame I experianced by her finding out that I had been on internet sites txt flirting by way of release, escapism and sheer frustration after months with no sex (we were both too scared) when she was away. I am also pleased to report my naughty little boy is running around infront of me. This was on top of a prolonged delivery and crash c.section from a hospital blunder on birth one 5 years ealier. Thats another story.

We have been to councelling. I have had councelling on my own. We lollop from one external disaster to another in our lives and seem to hang-on. The latest being me losing a job through false accusations 3 days before Xmas (name cleared by representatives). She accuses me of creating "trauma's".

This week after a "refusal" row from fri night (recent "cold" and then she got a tooth abcess as well and always too tired), I was in work and she texted to say her young auntie had been found dead. The funeral is this week. We are not invited as a family and I have to stay behind with the kids again when I wanted to go support her.

We had a great weekend on Valentines w.end and it culminated in great sex (first time in a month after several txt promises) but the promised continued effort with the baby oil she bought me for that day hasnt come. I have tried to hug her so many times (outside and inside the bed) and have been sometimes completely dismissed or hugged as a friend. I said this morning it was hurting to look at the oil on the side as the txt promises handnt come true. She said "well dont look at it then". I have put it in her "Toy" drawer that also never gets opened anymore.

I have had the chance to cheat 3 x for real since and resisted each time since 2005. I have done everything to make things better. We had a house extension, I have improved around the house (I have always done all the shopping and cooking though), I have the kids 3 x a week, I work full time,  I said she no longer needed to help with the accounts, I stopped using websites a long time ago, I have sorted my temper and swearing 100% or more (still working on it), Ive lost a stone (3 to go), Ive cut my midweek drinking on nights off, she goes out monthly with mates without me bitching too much (usual jealousy - only Xmas present I asked for was a dirty weekend away even in a crappy B&B locally and ended up with socks and aftershaves as usual). I have stopped nagging about monthly date nights she never takes her turn to arrange, I booked 2 holidays for us as a family and have saved up (we lost last big holiday when she was in hospital), I even cut my long hair cos she said she didnt like it. I never go out and I dont smoke or gamble, or even watch sports. I am not a bad husband but I constantly get accused of being one. I am trying to be a good person in all of this and feel like I am a piece of ****. I laughed when I saw one pay website with a councellor suggesting sexless husbands are that way because there is something they are not connecting with in their wife. What the hell else have I got left? Tell me and I'll try it.  

I have no-one to talk to and am desperate for some attention and for some regular sex and nice things said about me, someone to be proud of me (I am near the top of my profession and I am not even 40). I have no-one to talk too. I am trapped here until I go to work or walk the dogs. I have thought long and hard if she is having an affair and do not feel she is. Her infidelity may be emotional as she is like a giggly school girl with her gay man friend who hates me since the affair - her phone is locked and I am not allowed to see their texts which is a hypocritical rule she's broken of her own !!!! (do as I say and not as I do)

The light switch seems to get turned on and off each month. I think she is also grieving as she always wanted a big family. I would even consider adoption / fostering but there is no way we can even consider it / suggest it in this environment. Ive had too many false starts with her. I have to suffer the PMS cycle each month and it always seems worse when she comes off period. She wears 3 layers during period. We always used to have sex during periods no problem and whilst I understand myself since - she becomes a totally different person for 2-3 weeks of the month. The light switch goes on and she is back to normal for a short time and we get on fine. I do not sulk but just enjoy her again even if there is no sex. If I miss the boat then it goes 6-8 weeks again. The longest ever (apart from the pregnancy) was this time last year it went 12 weeks. It came to a head last month when she and our daughter really fought and my daughter sided with me and told RW to stop being so horrible to me all the time. She stormed out and the kids were devastated thinking shed gone for the night / for good. I wasnt able to reassure them. I was nearly sick but held it together with the kids. We sorted it out when she came back after some ret/therapy and she agreed that woundnt happen again. She bought some herbal stuff of which she's taken about 5 (I think?) in the month, but still wont go to Doc even though her "loss" can be loads and she goes almost "grey".

That night I promised my Daughter I would never leave becuase she remembered stuff I didnt even now about from the trial seperation from when she was 3 (5 yrs ago>). Dont EVER think they dont remember EVERTHING. She told me how much she hated me not being there and gave me graphic detail of the first 24 hours and first couple of nights without me there and how sad RW was. She even remembers bed wetting bless her. Because my Dad left me at birth and the medical staff tried to get Mum to abort me for medical reasons, I am therefore NEVER going to leave my kids. I am also not going to leave because I do not want another man snuggled up to my kids in my bed. I am also desperate for love and sex but afraid of the consequences and the ripples. So I really am torn. Kids do not always get over it. They grow into adults with "issues" like me. My family was slashed in half 38 years ago and the re-percusions are ongoing with some family members never even having met each other. It is the same in my wife's family.

So for those of you who have decided to have an affair / divorce of move on I wish you well. But I hope you can see how some cannot even consider the latter and if I ever get caught on the former again I will lose everying (even though she has said she doesnt care what I do anymore as long as I "leave her alone" - somehow I dont believe her!). I would be hung drawn and quatered. Ive even gone against a life long personal belief and thought of paying for it. It would be safer but I cant bear the thought of that money being for my kids for something (it aint cheap is it?)...

How do I help my wife when she doesnt think there is anything wrong with her? When will we have some "normal" times? I am sooooo tired.  I am going back to councelling.

philjay72 philjay72
36-40, M
5 Responses Feb 24, 2010

Well ! A horrendous week so far. Things elevated to their usual cycle of withdrawal (her) rejection, anger and anxiety (me). The funeral was horrendous for her and she wasnt anywhere near to the "light switched" being flicked back on this time y'day. This was after another awful weekend and her saying it was over and she wanted it done. She still wont say she wants a divorce and says she cant move out and cant afford to buy me out. We went out as I went against her wishes and booked a sitter on Sun night for us to go out. BIG MISTAKE. She started as soon as we got to the pub and after a few beers I nearly lost it. She admitted that night that the problem is all her as a result of the affair I had 5 yrs ago (nearly) so she still obviously hasnt forgiven or forgotten. We nearly walked out of the restuarant as she got upset over her auntie as well after a few beers. Be careful of what you write on here ! I said on a posting last week we always had a good time when out didnt I? Tempted fate? ! I booked councelling 1st thing monday even though she said it would be pointless and wouldnt change how she felt, emotionally or physically. I have also booked myself councelling alone and am going to see the GP (although its not me who needs to see one - its her but she refuses that 110%). She started to mellow again y'day pm after a massive row which led to me saying that she needed to go and I would take week off to sort kids and she could rip up our Florida Holiday Forms (then I'd just lose deposit). I put them in her hand to make the decision. As she had been screaming at me that she was becoming depressed with it all I shared with her some of the experiances of people on here and how we are not alone. She said we had tried and failed. For the 1st time ever I pointed out that we hadnt tried and that weve had 2 therapy sessions (2 years apart) since I came back in 2005. This was contrary to what we were told on the last one 12 months ago (which was esp. leveled at her) that major work and committment was going to be needed to fix things. We havent really tried at all - not to get to the core of the reasons behind the sexless marriage. Just hoping it gets better and it just keeps getting worse. She was back to herself by the time she came back from the School run and we had a lovely evening together. My heart was pounding as she pottered about getting ready for bed. I read the signs as she hovered by living room door talking to me which she never does - it's usually "im going to bed!". I followed her. My mind was racing that I should post here with the good news but stopped myself, that she had mellowed again and we'd had a major breakthrough in that she has finally agree to come for councelling again and more importantly accepted it was her not making the connections and not me. She was in an open (on back but double clothed) posture and immedialtey allowed cuddling. I was just cuddling her for the first time in days gently kissing her on the neck. Then it happened again. She must have felt me get aroused and started to make her excuses crossing both arms across her chest like an egyptian mummy. I carried on talking and carressing trying to break down her barriers but she said she had heartburn (makes a change from a headache?) and went to bathroom cabinent. She came back and we carried on spooning but got upset when my hand brushed her breast. She got more moody when I moved my hand and it brushed her groin (I genuinely did not try and grope - whilst aroused, I didnt want to spoil the cuddle and wanted her to be comfortable enough to make the 1st move). She just told me to stop grabbing her "**** and fanny". You can imagine I was pretty pissed off and rejected with this after everything that had been resolved that day... Then it began all over again... "I dont want you touching me like that", "why?""I dont know", "why dont you know?" "I just dont want sex with you", "why not?" "why cant you cuddle me without sex?" "I was", then the bombshell to which I defended myself.... "you dont show me any respect the way you leave the laptop plugged in at the side of the bed after uve' used **** - how can I want you when you look at other women". (we often used to watch **** together so this is double standards?). I pointed out to her I never leave it running, its always shut down and put away as apprt and just left it on charge. I asked her why she thought I had to use ****? I said it was unfair of her to not give me any love and affection and sex and she couldnt expect me to become a-sexual and that I still have needs. Heres the interesting rub "if you dont want sex and you dont want me (more than a friend) why does it bother you what I do alone?", She couldnt answer that. We went to sleep without arguing further. I cuddled her at 0615hrs before she went to work and she actually gave me a hug and a (genuine) lip kiss before she left for work. Pissed off we are back to square 1? Yes, very. But I think even she is starting to realise she is running out of excuses and arguements and I thinks she has realised that this is (mostly) her. I would rather it this way around and we both be taking postive action than previous attempts every 3-6 weeks where we have a "pity ****" and she's full of resentment again after. Maybe this time we are really on the road to getting it sorted.

Phil, <br />
I commend you for being up front about your experience and your effort to warn others about having an affair.

Thanks. Wife wont go GP. Wont come joint therapy anymore (we cant afford it at mo). Wont go alone. I will have to go it alone. Maybe some bromide from GP like they give to sex offenders? I dunno. Sex life was fine (amazing in fact) before my emotional - then sexual affair - funnily enough was "entrapped" by friend over long period of time in sexless marriage who used me as the termination affair to finish her husband..... Once it was all over with him she didnt want me anymore. USED - big time. Another life lesson - hard earned. Thats why I have worked so hard for RW because I will always be grateful to her for letting me have another chance. For my daughters sake if anything. Do you see my reticence when I see people on here hooking up? I am very cautious for them - very !!!

I am afraid to say you may never have any 'normal' times again.<br />
I do commend you for your position on your kids - I wholeheartedly agree and am doing the same thing. I realize it isn't the best thing, but if it works for you on some level and the kids are better (in your eyes - not anyone else's) then I say 'good for you'.<br />
<br />
On another note, with all that you said has happened, you may want to continue to push therapy. Even if it is to deal with everything other than no sex. It may make for 'healthier' conversations in the future.

You may never get things back to normal. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Just to be clear, how old was your daughter when your wife started to lose interest in sex with you??