Not My Fault, But I Have To Fix It? Pissed Off!

I have been married for 18 years.  Happily I thought until 2 years ago when my world exploded.  I learned my prince charming was addicted to pain killers (for 4 years), doing coke and had a very special "friendship" with a neighbor 10 years younger.  My world blew apart and I'm still the one expected to do all the work to put it back together.

Trying to keep a long story short. I stood by him, helped him get off pills and for now our marriage is in tact. My primary reason for continuing to hold on is our beautiful, smart, well adjusted 15 year old son.  He didn't ask for any of this and he doesn't deserve to lose his family.

Now we are 18 months into this "process".  I have worked hard to forgive and not bring up all my husband's transgressions and mistakes.  However nine months ago he loses interest in sex.  This is devastating to me.  He says it's not me, but it makes me feel so bad about myself.  I'm lonely.  I feel like I have been so wronged and I'm resenting the fact that I have to accept whatever he dishes.  It's not the sex but the intimacy that I crave.  I feel like he threw me away and now in order to fully heal, I need to feel like he still desires me.

He agreed to see a doctor to see if the problem was low testosterone (when I tell him I want out of the marriage).  He saw the doctor and got the lab slip, but never went to get the blood work done (after many, many promises).  If I bring it up then I'm starting a fight and I'm mad all the time (according to him).

My husband was a successful business owner six years ago.  He lost his business and all of his expensive toys were repossessed.  He nearly lost his wife and family and basically made a mess out of his life.  I have stood by him through all.  He has started a new business but it is very slow. I am the bread winner and I pay all the household bills and manage the finances.

I understand he is insecure and feeling like a failure.  But why is it up to me to make him feel good about himself so he will once again want an intimate relationship with me?  Why is it not up to him to fix this?  Does he not want to fix it?  BTW I saw him look a co-worker up and down a few days ago.  So I believe he still has desire, I'm just not sure its for me.  Should I just give this up and move on?  BTW, I'm tired and yes I'm really starting to resent this dance after all I have been through.


JaniceIrene47 JaniceIrene47
25 Responses Feb 24, 2010

No12love.........H admits it's all his fault. He just isn't willing to do anything about it. My beautiful son is the only reason I'm still here. For awhile, I thought there was hope of getting my life back. But sadly, three weeks ago I found out my husband is doing pills again. More lies to undermine any progress in the trust department. That is why I have decided if I have to live like this for the sake of my son, I at least enjoy the touch of a lover who actually wants me.

How in the world did you get him to beg you? I can't even get mine to acknowlede me when I beg! He would die & go to Hell before he admitted it is as least HALF his fault. He will never ask me much less beg. Your story has so many of the same elements as mine. Not drugs but alchohol, not losing a business but his ability to work, a son, a home that neither of us will be able to keep alone. I wonder if he is one of my H's brothers? SOOOO much alike. I know your pain. Mine cheated on me too only he won;t admit it. I found her cigs in the ashtry & her phone number after he stayed out all night after the usual fight. I called her. She was pissed because he had told her he was divorced. He even showed her pics of our son! Told her what a *itch I was. Guess that was because I had the nerve to think that a H should want to have sex with his wife. He has never admitted to it, but I know it happened. She said she could promise me she would never believe his lies again. Everytime we go out I look around wondering if she is there. Just wondered what she looked like. I hope you find a way. If you do, please share. I pay all the bills except his car payment & groceries. & he has more money coming in than I do. Why do we do it?

Actually, there are freak instances where the woman pays alimony to the husband EVEN if she keeps the kids....I don't know if this is one of them though.<br />
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Divorce court is anything but fair and just imo. (even w/ an attorney)

Its really sad that youve had to go through this. I know youve had a rough road going on lately, Just know that no matter what other people do or tell you, your the one looking in the mirror at the end of the day, Wherever you go there you are. Make sure your happy with your self and your position, Nothing is going to change if you dont find out what you want as the end result. And the paying him thing is rediculous he is pretty much black mailing you in a way saying that he wont leave till you pay him when really wont it be you that your son lives with and you who most likely is going to be paying the bills. You shouldnt have to pay him if thats the case he should just leave, you deserve so much more than all this stress. Once hes out of the picture if you deside thats what you want youll be happier and you can really focus on your self and your 15 year old. I wish you the best of luck. Hope everything turns out ok and that your happy. :)

Hi<br />
I've been through a similar thing - substance abuse + loss of job = no sex.<br />
I'll be thinking of you - there is light at the end of the tunnel, my guy is sober now 12 months and working 7 months. The sex is very infrequent but it does happen :)

The withdrawls from the drugs could be affecting his desire. My boyfriend has had similar issues after coming clean a couple years ago. It has gotten better though, especially this past month. <br />
I think your husband may not be getting his blood work done because he might not want proof something is up with him. Just keep being patient and loving with him about it, like it seems you have been doing. <br />
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Even though the behaviour and drug use was his, you are going to have to work a lot too if you are looking to stay in a relationship with him. It might not seem fair, but working together is the best way to go. I wish you both luck. :)

Wow I'm so sorry for you and for your son. Your husband doesn't seem like a good strong male influence for a teanage boy, hopefully he has an Uncle or Grandfather who can be that for him. <br />
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As for you - my husband once told me that many addicts never take personal responsibility even in matters that do not have to do with the addiction. That would likely include moving out, and continued excuses. <br />
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Your husband broke the marriage vows and contracts by having an affair, although the addiction is a "sickness" the affair is not (no matter what Tiger Woods says) and this is a very weak man. I am surprised you would want to have sex with him at all.

I feel terrible for what you have gone through. Don't buy into the "if you would have listened to me " crap. You have more than enough reasons to move on and go after the life you deserve. Its his loss!!! You and your son deserve more!

It is always one excuse after another with these people, even if you do save up the $5k he requires I think he will have another reason as to why he will not leave. He is comfortable where he is and he will continue to leave everything up to you to make him feel good about himself so he will once again want an intimate relationship with you.<br />
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"If I bring it up then I'm starting a fight and I'm mad all the time (according to him)."<br />
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Let him know that your madder than hell and he needs to grow up and tow the line like an adult and quite with the excuses or get out.<br />
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I hope I don't sound to harsh, but I know how it feels to have everything dumped in your lap and it's all up to you to fix. Well no it's not all up to you and don't let him make you feel like it is. I wish you luck and stick around you will get a lot of sound advice here and sometimes a needed giggle.

That would be great Lady and a miracle. How 'bout putting it on your prayer list?

Lady, on the Craiglist note.........We got $2700 back in taxes and I told him to take it and go start over. <br />
That's when the promises about the doctor and the lab started again.<br />
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Honestly, I think I've negotiated and let him promise and beg enough. I think it's time to just be quiet, be cordial and save the money to get him out of here.

No Vegas...I'm not confused. But we do live in a state that would require me to split assets with him, maybe even sell my house and possibly even pay him alimony since I'm the supporting spouse.<br />
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His figure of $5K is what he thinks he would walk away with if we sold the house, paid the realtor, etc. It is what he believes he is entitled to. He has already told me he doesn't have to leave, that this house is just as much his as it is mine.<br />
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I am not in a financial position to sell and start over. I'm trying to find the path that will get him to go and allow me to keep my only real asset.<br />
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Not making excuses, just trying to make sense and keep my son from losing his home too.

Wish it were that simple Andy. During his drug abuse and the loss of his business, repossessions and eventually Chapter 13, there isn't a bank on this earth that would give me $5K right now. <br />
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I should get a good bonus in March which I will quietly tuck away and just pinch where I can until I have the money to tell him to get out.

$4,999.98 ?

LOL at Anar. I know you are both right. But we also know it's so complicated when you have a home, child and lifestyle to figure out.<br />
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Like I said, I will start on Plan B ASAP. <br />
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Thanks for all of your posts. It truly does help to know I am not alone!

For $4,999.99 I can deliver him unto the Third Option (tm).

He asked for the settlement because he knew I didn't have the money. I told him I was working on it and he would have it by the end of the week. That's when he started back tracking and promising to go get the lab work done. He was supposed to go this past Monday and of course he didn't. And of course the subject hasn't been brought up again.

Okay....punishment it is. Then I guess I'm on to Plan B. A while back when we were arguing and I asked him to move out he said, "Give me $5K and I'll go". I don't have $5k cuz it takes everything I make to pay the bills. Guess I'll start saving and wait patiently. :-)

Too soon to tell Vegas. I figured I try a different approach. I know for now, it's easier than fighting. I'm baffled as to how he can kiss me (passionately) hug me, tell me how beautiful I am, etc., and then not want to fulfill me......I just don't get it.

Thanks again Lady!

AnarChristian: My son races dirtbikes so the three of us travel frequently together. We have to work together as a team to have successful races. This hobby takes a great deal of time and financial resources.<br />
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Vegassbagy: I didn't take away his drugs. That was his decision. What I'm referring to when I ask why is it up to me to fix things is this: He uses my frustration about the lack of sex to pull further away. "My pressure, my anger, my whatever makes it difficult for him to get aroused". It's like I have to pump up his ego, tell him he's a hero, encourage and coddle him so he can "feel" like a man again. Hope that makes sense.

I like your phase Allthings.... salvaging a one man ship with a huge hole in it. I notice many women do not know when the man has a huge hole in their ship.

I am so sorry for what you have gone through! Truly, you have endured betrayal on the deepest level. I applaud your efforts to salvage your marriage but my friend, don't do it for your son, do it for yourself as well. Children are innocent but you are too and after your son grows up and away can u honestly say, there will be something left for your marriage. Maybe its better for your son to see a woman stand on her own for integrityd sake. If you are the one prodding and pulling this man than you truly are carrying dead weight. When someone is responsible for causeing such a mess, if they truly are sorry and serious about reconciliation then they will do whatever it takes. Truth be told, deep down you know this is not the case with your husband. You owe it to yourself and your son to get the best out of someone. And if that's not possible. Then you get the best out of you by not settling and salvaging a one man ship with a huge hole in it!

Three strikes, your out of their, or is that five strikes. Count the reasons for your fustration, and if it is more than three serious things that the husband is doing wrong, it is time to move on. I love the lastest country song "Consider me gone"

Janice, <br />
Are you able to share a hobby with your child? do you make yourself new again? I have devoted my entire life to my family and work. I have no interests outside of them.

Thanks Lady. Your post brought tears to my eyes. It's not just the addiction. It's the affair, the whole secret life thing that he had going for years. I feel so betrayed and mad. My marriage feels like a piece of fine china that has been broken and then glued back together. I don't think it will ever be the same, especially when he doesn't seem motivated enough to do what I need to make me feel better. Ugghhh! I could go on and on.<br />
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Truly, thank you.