Turn Off The Radar

Yep, I'm one of those guys that has put up with it. I am totally confident in all areas of my life ... except sex.

I own a successful company.  I say that not to boast, but as evidence that I am not a social dork.  I work hard, very hard, to provide for my family.  When I walk in the door at the office, things happen. When I get home, nothing happens. Haven't touched in months, and it was boring back then.

Sex isn't on the radar because I turned it off.

When we are in public, you'd think we have the perfect marriage. My guess is it is ... for her.

She tells me that she's just not wired for sex, it's not her thing. I need to just accept her for who she is.  So I did. We have sex about 10 times a year, and it's boring.  Boring, and I've just given up.

Nope, I plan on doing nada, not a dadgum thing.  Talk about it?  Please spare me ... She told me the last time we talked about it that there's nothing good that comes from talking about it.

What really frustrates me is when we are in public and around friends, she's all cuddles and stuff, but at home like a cadaver.  Dadgummit, If she wants me to dance with her in public, she better dance with me in private, or I ain't dancin.

I'll never have an affair. I'll not get involved in that. I am a 3rd generation man that honors his vows. So my name is very important to me.

There is nothing I can do. But I post as an encouragement to other men to NEVER walk away from your vows.  At least I can look at myself in the mirror and know that at the end of the day I honored my word.  I know it's pathetic, but life is what it is.

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11 Responses Feb 24, 2010

And I think TheLadyBeatrice is right on with her comments. I agree totally.

How does one honor their vows when the other partner won't honor theirs? When they assume that our sex drive is as non-existent as theirs is, when they won't even question their lack of passion, consideration, and simply assume their not needing any kind of physicality is the same on our side. <br />
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The Chinese say to honor thy parents if the parents are honorable. Shouldn't the same basic consideration be given in the marriage? How do you give equal consideration to a partner who treats us like department store mannequins? Without a pulse or passion? <br />
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I'm all for honoring one's vows but there is a limit. This is not a dress rehearsal for our lives people, this IS our life.

get real, you must like the miserable life you choose to live, at least I am trying to leave mine, your wife already brole the marriage vow towards you

have an affair. you might learn who you really are. pride is worth what when you are facing death?

I feel your pain, brother.<br />
I have also quit - I am past doing anything - as you put it 'nada, not a dadgum thing'.<br />
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Some of these people may not be there yet, but they can see it coming. If you are there (people) you definitely understand what this guy is saying. Part of giving up and doing nothing is the fact that they act like everything is OK whenever possible - I would guess to try and balance this fantasy out.<br />
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Plus, you used dadgumit twice… nice.

I honored my vows too, for 12 years. <br />
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One day my emotional and physical need became so great. I needed to be touched, held and made to feel like a woman. I am not proud of what I did and I don't encourage cheating. I left my marriage because cheating to me is the ultimate no,no.<br />
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My best friend in the whole world used to say to me: "Come down off your cross someone else needs the wood". No disrespect FIO, but you may want to read and then re-read those words.<br />
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Good luck.

dont you think we all deserve the equivilent of an Academy Award ? I mean, seriously if people knew how it really is in our relationships they would have to aplaud our personas now wouldn't they. And yet, we go on.

I would get a t-shirt and wear it to the next social function. <br />
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This public facade game dismays me because, in my opinion, it clarifies the refuser's true character: dishonest with love. <br />
That refuser knows they are doing wrong and is embarrassed about it.

I understand too. Outwardly my wife is a very different person. People dont know her the way I do. Thats how she is able to blame me because she says she is "great" and "fine" with everyone else in her life but its just me she rucks with. I point out that you hurt and punish those closest to you and no-one will ever know what goes on behind closed doors (or in marriage bed). <br />
Its really funny isnt it with regard to the older generation of (just post) feminism era women. My Mum couldnt believe what was going on when reasons for us not getting on were discussed in private and said it was totally unacceptable for a wife to deny her husband marital "rights". I have also said to RW what if her Mum knew? I think she might say something along the lines of "get a grip" and "grow up" and "sort your head out girl". We dont say anything because its a possible embarrassment to us. <br />
This is esp.if you are overweight and have gone unattractive like me. I dont want them to think "dont blame her". It still grates big time when weve got some major **** in the relationship going on and a workman arrives and she acts like my best friend / doting wife again. Same with friends and family around (most of the time). Oh well ! On the positive at least it saves me / us the embarrassment of having to explain to the others. I always remember that scene on the Simpsons with Milhouse's Parents at a dinner party.

I admire you for sticking to your vows (despite that in religous and legal aspects this is grounds for divorce) and hope that I continue to have the strength to do the same. <br />
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I get the "facade" thing. My husband does still show me affection, much like you show affection to your kid, sister, or mother...sweet kisses and with some cuddles like a very, very, old couple (like on deaths bed) HOWEVER, in public he'll joke about manly things and sex etc. as if he even knows what that is anymore. Drives me insane.

I'm not sure what holds me more - honoring my commitment, or my refusal to give up trying. I won't cheat, but unlike you I refuse to just turn it off. She signed up for the whole package too, and that includes intimacy.<br />
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Now, it really chaps me when they expect a cozy facade in public - they know how it's supposed to be, and they're ashamed to admit the truth. I'm not playing that game - cold at home gets cold in public.