Sitting Here With Time To Think (i.e. - not having sex)

My eyes have been opened to the fact that it is more than sex that I am missing.  It is the touching, kissing, the loving and sharing.  Looking back I think about all the times when she would touch me (instead of it always being the other way around now.) and I would tell her how I loved it.  I miss that.  I don't know that I was ever the one who was woken up and screwed silly.  I think that would be exciting too.  My wife never comes across the room jumps in my lap and kisses on me.  (I do it almost every day.)  I thought it was just the sex, but it is so much more.  We used to **** like rabbits (daily at least) Then it was every other day..... I guess I can't understand why she stopped liking it.  I make it clear to her how much she turns me on to this day.  I kiss her passionatly, and touch her sensually.  I still give her goose bumps.

However I am told at times that I am the one who has changed...  Not romantic enough anymore.  All I want is sex.  (I bought in to that thinking maybe I was just out for sex and didn't do things I used to do.)  It is so untrue.  I may not be as romantic as I once was, but I can tell you it is in part to the vicious circle I am in.  I mean why try if it ends in me getting nothing or taking care of myself.  I try not to, however I also let it affect my negativly, which doesn't help.  (Thinking about it brings up resentment and anger.  I don't lash out, but she can sense I am not in a great mood.  I won't come out and say I am in a bad mood because I am sexless.)

The female perspective on ILIASM is a breath of fresh air.  I can't fathom a woman being in the same boat as me.  (I wish I was on a boat with a few of you though...) However, many of you have the same issues, fears, thoughts. 

Anyway I am done banging these keys.  This is my second post and I am finding it to be a great way to clear my head and sort thoughts.  From that I can better try and figure it all out.

biggddy64 biggddy64
41-45, M
10 Responses Feb 25, 2010

Thanks maryryan. I do want to fix things. (Being naive again?) And your approach and points make sense. However these doldrums have lasted far to long for me. She has at times told me she just pretty much don't like sex. I can' help but wonder if it is me? She used to joke about some characteristics she found to be a turn off (i.e. - baldness, hair in general, etc... for example) that I have began to develop. (Hey we all get old right? No bald spot yet. just thinning on top) So I joke with her telling her that is why she don't like sex with me. (She comments about hot men on TV, so I have to think she still finds some men attractive. ) Maybe there is something subconscious going on. She says that isn't it, but..... All I know as I have began to activly address my feelings and one way or another will get them worked out.

OMG...you are me. But a guy. And you are getting some...which doesn't make you a bad person and we don't hate you for it.<br />
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I wonder if it's a hormonal issue? One thing that is different in Big's situation is that when he and his wife do have sex, it's mutually fulfilling. There is not a problem with love and control in this relationship from what I can see; sounds like a case of the mid-life doldrums. That is not to be dismissive of it in any way...what I really mean is that it might truly be fixable.<br />
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I went through a tough period from about June to November 2009. I wanted to be alone, but I was lonely. I was hell on wheels cranky, I could flip on a dime...but I was also very quiet. I had days where I didn't care if I ever woke up again. It was a nightmare. Then...the fog lifted. I am convinced it was hormones. That is not at all to invalidate my feelings because they were very, very real and had real consequences.<br />
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Usually, if you approach a woman telling her that you love her more than anything and that you want and need the connection between the two of you to be stronger, it will be well tolerated. Don't use the words "sex' and "attention"; they're often hot buttons for women...demands, etc. Not that I agree with it, but that's the way it is...<br />
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good luck and, unfortunately, welcome.

Do the best you can in letting her know you've tried - to no avail. And then let her know that your efforts have become less vigorous and fewer and farther between so she knows it is a reaction to her reaction. It isn't because you have become less romantic or interested in her - it is because you have learned a response to her reactions.<br />
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You eventually stop going to the well for water if you know that it is probably dry.

VB I really at this point don't think that is my situation. (I certainly hope not. If so what a fool I am, right?) There is some reason though. I think it may be with her, but if she shuts me out, I can't help her resolve the issue either to the betterment of both of us. We are just going different directions and need to right the ship. I am willing to adress this issue and also what I am now seeing as a lack of things in common between us other than sexual desires. How does it happen that we drift apart? Maybe I am being naive. It looks like I am based on some of the stuff I read on here. I am not ready to give up. However I am now activly adressing the situaiton. No more sweeping under the rug and the chips will fall where they may.

I hear ya brain. It is a crazy circle that ends up in our laps. I am a non-confrontational person, and quiet by nature. Which is why I just clam up. I don't want to fight about it. however being able to talk on here is theraputic (without shelling out tons of $$$$) and is helping already. I think I will be able to re-address situation with W in a more constructive and positive manner due to info I see in ILIASM. Then if there is not progress in resolving the issue I know I gave it 100% and will have decisions to make regarding taking care on myself.

I wonder why/how refusers don't understand rejecting their significant others advances is hurtful? I know I have explained to my wife how it hurts my feelings. Your situation sounds so similar to mine it's crazy. I have addressed the issue and nothing changed. Now I just sit quiet and sometimes get a little depressed. I cannot talk about it much more with my wife because every approach I use seems to back fire and I end up being the reason for my lack of sex....

Thanks for all the comments. My deal is that when we do have sex it is wonderful. (I get good sex, oral, it's spectacular. I focus on her satisfaction also. It is very mutual. We are left breathless. At that point it seems worth the wait and I am being silly crying about not getting it enough.) However, also it is almost to he extent of I feel I just let her take care of me because I feel I deserve this for putting up with going without, but part of what makes it great is that it is mutual. Other times I get a quick BJ, which don't get me wrong I like, but I don't get to give back. It is not mutual, and is just sex. No emotion or sharing. I also find it is much harder to satisfy her than it once was. (That bothers me to.) Other than this elephant iin the room we don't have a bad relationship. We don't fight much. The cycle is that I think about this and become quiet, and then she tells me she's lonely. We don't talk, I just couch out later in the evening, sleep, snore, etc.... It is something I am really trying to wrap my head around. Did she never like sex and use it to rope me in? I don't think that is it at all. So I do feel it seems like we just have nothing in common other than daughter, home, life, etc... Add in everyone's outside pressures of life these days. It's tough, and then not having this escape to help with all the other stuff sucks. Like you sparky I keep trying, however if I go into figuring I will lose I may not be giving it as much effort. Philjay you desibed my double standard too. Damned if you do, Damned if ya don't. Arrrrggggg! My thing is that as long as I am trying and am the one getting refused it can't be used against me. I guess if it is a deal where she just don't want sex and that is that, what am I to do but suffer? (At least for now.) What reading these posts and sharing expereinces has done is helping me see different issues I may not have seen previously. It is helping me to craft my side of the issue so I can talk about it calmly with her and maybe get things moving in the right direction. I think maybe she don't know it has become such a huge issue in my mind. I don't ride her about it (did I say ride her....) so maybe she thinks it isn't that big of a deal with me. I need to be honest with her. (Not that I am dishonest.) I really don't think there is some issue she is hiding, but don't know altogether. Ignoring it has not changed anything. I elt powerless until I started reading stuff on here. Anyway off to work. I am beginning to feel a calm about the situaiton in a short time on ILIASM and am hopeful things will get better. If not then at least I will know where I stand and can figure out what is next for me/us. I think I am crazy.

Sorry, Big, I will move the Cruise idea to a Forum post so that your story doesn't get hijacked. <br />
: )

Big, your stories sound like you're where I was about 10 years ago. <br />
And with the wisdom of hindsight, I truly should have left 10 years ago. <br />
Definitely, keep reading and posting here. <br />
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Boat ... hmm .... I was going to ask which pier. Now THERE''s a way we could all meet up. How about the first annual ILIASM cruise/retreat?

Here here. I asked after several friendly back pats and push offs inc. an in bed refusal after a cuddle if it was me she just didnt want to cuddle. She said "yes". I know this is hormonal. When she feels like it in a week or so again I would be in trouble if I didnt display romantic behaviours, do things with kids, display affection, make nice dinners for the two of us etc. This already happened this week during our "bad week". When she is like this and I am going to work, even if we have been arguing and even if the kids are there I always try and kiss all of them even if on the cheek before I go. She has often "refused" this and when Ive asked why she says "because I dont want to kiss you" "because I dont like you at the moment" etc.This can make me very angry. In turn this month I learned to kiss the kids and slink off just shouting goodbye to her. I also have noticed that she slinks off upstairs, into the loo as I am due to leave. I presumed it was our way of avoiding a conflict. Then y'day I asked her for a kiss before she left for work and she said "No - because you never give me one". I am not a psychologist but isnt she engineering a situation or projecting her behaviour onto me? It certainly is hypocritical. I wish I could be more like you biggy. I cant help my mouth when hurt and go defensive and tell her why I am moody, narky, angry. I cant help telling the truth but to be honest it gets me nowhere. She doesnt want to display any love towards me emotionally or physically and yet wants all the trappings of a "successful" relationship.