Still A Mistake

Months passed by, and things are still the same. No, that's a lie. In a way they are worse, in a way they are better.  The divorce is a sure thing, as soon as I can, I am walking away. And the fool is still utterly clueless.

There is still barely any intimacy. Hell, we went to a movie and he didn't even put his arm around me. We now spend about 50% of the time sleeping apart, he falls asleep on the couch, I half heartedly try to get him to bed, but in reality I prefer to just sleep on my own. We only do it once every 2 to 3 months and every time we do it it feel almost like I'm getting raped. But I know, it's not me. Yes, I had an affair, something I feel semi-guilty about. But it was something that i needed so desperately. To have a man put his arms around me, kiss me, I mean really kiss me. Make love to me and show that he was enjoying it and make sure that not only was it not painful to me, but that I enjoyed it as well. I know it's not me now. I know it's not my body, and it's not me as a lover that is the problem. It is 100% him. And I am finally getting to the point there I 99% believe it.  

There are times, like this past week, when he decides to be nice to me. He doesn't want me feel unloved... and all I want to do is tell him "then what in the hell were you thinking these past months since we got married, or these past years since we got together". All I want to tell him is to stop touching me and go back to your stupid couch.  Whatever love there has been and any positive feelings that I have had for him have turned into hate. 

I have been living in hell with a controlling husband who seems to almost make it his mission to break me and hurt me. So I still wait out until I can leave. The day that I will is going to be the happiest day of my life. 

TinyMouse TinyMouse
26-30, F
8 Responses Feb 25, 2010

Thank you and good luck to you as well, Sade

your story is just what i needed to get through my day. Thanks. I'm not yet where you are, but i think after this "stage" of crying and moping around, i'll get to my next stage and i too will hate him and leave without looking back or feeling that i could've done more.<br />
For the longest time i kept myself from hating him, because i WANTED to love him and i wanted him to love me.<br />
Now i WANT to stop loving him and forget he ever existed. I want to make him feel rejected and useless as he made me feel.<br />
<br />
Anyways, good luck to you. Hope you find the happiness we are all looking for.<br />
;)

LOL, thanks VB, I'll try :)

I don't think it will develop beyond us being close friends who play together sometimes.

Can you see yourself happy with this wild friend who lives far away? <br />
Does he have any interest in you?

Oh yes, I am already dreaming of what I'll do when I got my own place. And I do very much play a refuser, but I can only do it so much before he will get pissy, unfortunately. And I do not fake happiness... I rarely smile and show him almost no affection. And he still doesn't get it. Just wish I could get a damned job so I could get away sooner.

It wasn't really an affair, just a wild weekend with a friend. But we live very far apart. If we see each other again, it is likely to happen again.

Why did you break off the affair?