Crossroads Coming Fast. What To Do. What To Do...

I want to preface this story with the fact I am an information junkie and an inquisitive person by nature.  Most of the time I really analyze things to come up with a reasonable cause or answer.  I also want to say the info and comments/support I have received from this group is eye opening.  Good stuff mixed in with some humor about serious issues.   With that said, I thought about crafting this note on my short commute to work this morning. (Why not get paid for posting items on here, huh?)  I am at the point in my marriage where I feel there are issues that have been ignored for to long from both sides.  However I seek to fix them.  I am using this forum to acquire info and obtain different perspectives.  What I wonder is if many of the other members came upon this forum with the same mindset as me.  This is where I am at now, but how can I fix it?  OR  This is where I am at and things are too far gone how do I get out?  I am leaning towards the former at this point.  (The infancy of my realization and truth.  I realize I have been lying to myself which is also part of the problem.)  I really would like to try and get things going right.  Some of the perception I get is the other person is broke, there is no fix, the sooner you realize it the better.  That I'll come around in time and see the light and move on.  It appears that most of us have/had a substantial time invested in our marriage, kids, the whole nine yards.  So it is overwhelmingly painful and serious to pick one path or the other.  However with time getting shorter in my life do I invest another five to 10 years only to end up in this exact spot?  I am taking my time slowly, but in the not to distant future I will have the TALK (we have broached the subject, but never at the level I plan to.).    I have realized it took me confirming i am in a sexless marriage to see that that is only a small part of the bigger picture.  The eye opening has made me know that this is something I need to do.  I also know it will take a certain level of compromise from both parties.  I am not a my way or the highway person, but things do have to be mutual and from where I sit now I feel on the short end of the stick.  (Can I use any more lame cliches?)  I guess I ask anyone who feels they would like to comment and share a bit more of their reasoning and wisdom to do so.   Have many of you been on here a long time?  Was using this forum a means to an end?  In the end I know I am the only one who can decide my own fate and what I want to do.  However expanding my own information base may help me make the correct decision.   (And maybe I will go down the path and find my own penelope.  Sorry VB) OHHHHHHH  PLEEASSSEEE HELLPPP MEEE!!!!!!!!!!!  (LOL.  That is me displaying a bit of levity.)  You can all also tell me to shut up and **** off!

biggddy64 biggddy64
41-45, M
8 Responses Feb 26, 2010

Hmmm...comment disappeared.<br />
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Anyway, I meant that last to mean "If you reach a point where you realize you are just checking boxes...". Must have been a brief mental lapse and confusion with a different story, as you *didn't* say that was where you were.

sliderule:Cut to chase? I don't want to leave. That is a last resort. w and I don't argue or fight. We do things together. The elephant in the room is the sexlessness. I am not saying she is 100% to blame as it never is like that with anyone. There is a reason. I want to find out why. Maybe I was here 5 years ago, but I did nothing about it. also when we do make love it is mutual once things get going and is great, breathless. I just can't handle 8 time or less a year. When we were dating and first married we were having sex 250 plus times a year. I love my wife and daughter. Maybe I am fooling myself, but I need to address the situation. If we work it out with mutual benefit and compromise I will be estatic. If things remain as they are then we are both fooling ourselves. The exit stage left. I appreciate all views and your feedback. This is what is opening my eyes and making me strong

i didn't find this forum until after separation, so I struggled through some variation of the usual pattern on my own before then. As far as how much time to invest in trying to fix things, I have two thoughts:<br />
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1) Try to recall your situation 5 years ago. If you had known then what the situation would look like today, would you have been happy going forward? If not, the next five years probably won't be much different.<br />
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2) If you're already at the point where you realize that you're just checking off the blocks to get to the point where you'll feel good about leaving, why not cut to the chase, and get on to the healing phase rather than prolonging the pain?

I came here last summer, knowing my situation wasn't right, and sure that I was doing something wrong. Like many I thought my situation was unique. Well, almost unique, because I'd just taken up with a totally lovable married man whose wife didn't want any of him. So that made two of us. The ILIASM group was a real eye-opener. So MANY people with the same problem. After doing a lot of reading, both here and in books, I concluded that it wasn't (only) my fault, I had tried everything at least once to fix things, my ex had little enthusiasm for and huge resistance to changing the status quo ... so I should go. <br />
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And of course, it's not just about sex. Sexlessness, as most people here will tell you, is a symptom of a whole range of other problems. If one partner has no interest in working on it ... the other partner has to decide what's best for himself/herself.

Hi there -<br />
To answer your question. . . yep, this forum has been a means to an end. hehe, we all quote VB around here, and yesterday he mentioned something about this forum being an underground railroad to free us from our sexless marriages.<br />
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In my case, he is very, very, right.<br />
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When I joined EP nine months ago I was in a huge state of denial. . . . .I knew it was wrong that me and my H weren't having sex. I was originally looking for reasons why he refuses me and what I can do to make it better. <br />
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The lack of intimacy and sex is a very big deal; but even more of a problem is the fact that my husband has done absolutely NOTHING despite my pleading and my pain. The dear folks here on ILIASM helped me realize this.<br />
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I still do not have a reason for the refusal. But, with the help of EP, I do have truth and support. I was honest with myself about how miserable I am, how unacceptable this is, and how this (in my opinion) is a valid reason for leaving a marriage. <br />
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Good luck in your journey!

biggddy64,<br />
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I had the same mentality and I think that is the right approach for some people. I worked about 2 years to try to fix my situation (that was prior to me joining this forum). I think this is valuable not because it will fix the sexlessness, but because there is certain strength that comes with knowing you did your best to remedy the situation and held nothing back. I do not regret my attitude and effort to fix the situation at all.<br />
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Good luck

This forum gave me clarity over a few things. <br />
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1) Your refuser does not love you. Period. <br />
Any sentiment of love is akin to the love a person has for a pet or for Kraft Dinner. <br />
You can not discount the possibility that your refuser may actually hate you or may simply want to use you. <br />
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2) Talk is cheap. <br />
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After reading a bit in this group, it became apparent that The Talk is no better at solving anything than holding a scented candle-light vigil. That is when I tried The Grope. It confirmed that my wife was able to both have sex and enjoy sex with me. She just previously chose NOT to do so. That choice was either deliberate or instinctual or a bit of both. I can not help but think that The Grope had a psycho-physiotherapeutic effect on my refuser wife because after a three-year drought, we went to weekly sex instantly and my wife stopped threatening separation.<br />
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Things are not perfect now between us but I am no longer cluelessly praying to God for things to get better. I have peace of mind over the limits.

I would just say make sure you exhaust every idea/opportunity to figure out whether or not you are ready to leave/stay. I would assume people here are at varying states of 'just realizing' to 'having the talk for the first time' to 'having the talk for the 3rd time' to 'getting counseling' to 'I've tried and am getting myself in order and leaving'.<br />
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I, for one, am still trying to figure things out even though I started noticing problems a decade ago. I am a hopeless romantic and I tried for way too long. I am to the point of gathering info and courage to attempt to get our marriage in order: mainly to see if we can. I need to for my own sake - in case there was something/anything I missed. Once I find out - no matter what I find out - I will have to make the tough decision.<br />
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Maybe (to quote VB) 'I will love my million$ **** once again…too much.'