Still Here, Still Stuck... Part 1.

I really can't believe I am where I am, and I can't believe I STILL haven't changed things.  I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place.

When I was 25 I met a beautiful woman who was 37.  We connected on a deep level (I thought) and the sex was great.  About 6 months into our relationship she had a laporoscopy to remove some ovarian cysts.  It turned out to be a far more serious problem and she ended up losing an ovary. 

For a few months after the surgery, sex was off the table, but everything else seemed great.  During this time she would still make sure my needs were taken care of, even if certain areas of her body were off-limits.  I was still in love with her and we decided that we would get married.  As the wedding approached, she rarely expressed an interest in sex and typically pushed me off saying that she was under a lot of stress about the wedding plans.  I was patient and thought that once we were married and the wedding was over we could return to the way things had been. 

The wedding came and went - we didn't have sex on our wedding night or during the honeymoon.  Again, I thought it was "stress" and that once we got back into our daily routine it would come back.  When it didn't come back, she started to say it was because she didn't feel close to me.  Then it was because I didn't talk to her, or I didn't share my feelings.  There was always some reason that it was my fault.  But, aside from that, we were building a pretty damn good life together.  We traveled the world, moved to a beautiful area, and bought a house.  Since we wanted to have children, we were "forced" to have sex... the kind that isn't really that fulfilling for anybody, but everything was still functional at least.

Oddly enough, we weren't able to get pregnant the "normal" way and we had to employ the help of modern science (IVF), but fortunately that did the trick.  We had twin daughters 11 years ago.  There has been NO sexual activity between us since our children were conceived, and very little physical contact or physical affection.

I'll continue with the next part of my story when I have some more time to write...

doctorjimbo doctorjimbo
41-45, M
5 Responses Feb 26, 2010

Vectorking... yes, she does like to be in control - although she denies it and complains that I don't take control more often. But when I do take control, the complaints are frequent. She likes things to be "just so" and if they aren't, she'll let me know.

Vectorking... yes, she does like to be in control - although she denies it and complains that I don't take control more often. But when I do take control, the complaints are frequent. She likes things to be "just so" and if they aren't, she'll let me know.

At twenty five you were young and vulnerable and bought into a program that perhaps you would have avoided had you had a few more years of experience under your belt. With familial responsibilities now a prime part of your priorities you are really in the proverbial "Pickle Barrel"<br />
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I cannot seeing this becoming better for you and you must know there are but few solutions to this circumstance. On top of this you are still married to an older aging sexless queen. Not my idea of a happy blissful scenario but to each his own.<br />
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I wish you luck for you have a real issue here that will not resolve it self without some concerted action on your part.

It's always one excuse or another whether it's your fault or their fault and if you correct your own behavior it will just lead to another excuse. That is were I always found the rock and the hard place to be. or damned if you do, damned if you don't. I am sorry you are in this situation. If my post seems harsh today it's just my bad mood, so I apologize now.

It's never - EVER - their fault.<br />
We are sometimes to blame too I guess, but to completely put the burden back on us isn't fair.<br />
Sure, there was some medical reasons… but that was 11-12 years ago? It sounds like you were more than understanding and completely compassionate. To still use that as a crutch without acknowledging it isn't fair - at least say 'my medical problems have left me completely libido free'. Then you'd know where you stood and could deal with the truth.<br />
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One question…Is she a control freak?