Eye Opening Confession

This relates to the topic of how some refusers justify their actions. I was close friends with a woman some time back and one day she told me that she was instructing her daughters on "how to work their men". I had never heard of this and asked her what she meant. "Using sex as a means to get what I want." she told me. I was floored! This was a foreign concept to me.

This was an intelligent woman who was attractive and her husband provided her with everything a woman could want materially. Was this a secret that married woman utilized to get things? Using sex as a barter system? I found this appalling. I knew this woman's husband and he was a very strong self made man who ran a successful business. After I heard what she said that day, I felt very sad for him as his sexuality had been reduced to being a pawn for his wife's gain  materially.

What she told me changed how I felt about her as a woman. That she could take pleasure on duping her husband in this way, and worst of all, that she shared this with other women brought up in me such distasteful feelings about her. She also told me that she viewed sex with her husband as "just another job". What? A job! Like washing the dishes and vacuuming the floors! No!

Sex is supposed to be a sharing of another at our most vulnerable state. It is not a barter system! She reduced the intimacy of marriage into a cold hearted business and this will be perpetuated through her daughters on to their daughters.

My parents had a passionate physical relationship. They hungered for one another. Never inappropriate in front of me but I instinctively knew this. My mother always tidied herself up before my father came home from work. Fixed her hair and put on lipstick and greeted him at the door with a huge kiss and hug every day. They came first and their love flowed onto me. They were one another's priority always. As an adult I am so happy to realize that they shared such a passion. That my mother and father had this kind of love.

I have searched all of my life for this kind of love and I finally found it. I will never take my lover for granted and have pledged to always put him first in my life. Together we have what my parents had. I will always send him off with a huge hug and kiss and greet him in the same way. Sex will never be a barter system but an expression of passion and respect. My arms will always be welcoming to my love. I will always be his soft place to fall.

dartist dartist
56-60, F
7 Responses Feb 26, 2010

Being in a profession that causes me to meet a lot of people has opened up my eyes to how couples relate to one another. I sit back in my art booth and watch the interactions of couples as they walk in and it is very apparent as to who feels a deep connection and who just goes through the motions. <br />
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Occasionally I see a couple holding hands and laughing together. They actually give off a glow and I always comment to them how happy I am to see their joy at being together in this way. Lots of eye contact between them and smiling faces as they tell me that they are best friends. <br />
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Sadly over the years, I see these types of couples less and less. Over the past three days I saw thousands of couples walking past my booth and I can count on one hand how many I saw holding hands. Only one couple that are customers of mine showed great affection for each other. Those intimate gazes into each others eyes. Genuine kindness and love and devotion. <br />
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It was a beautiful weekend and one to be savored. Perhaps it is the worries about the economy but my customers who showed happiness at being together shared with me her terrible accident that nearly paralyzed her earlier this year. Their finances had been severely stretched at this but it only brought them closer. They are always this way and it lifted my heart to know that they are together.

People need to take others as individuals and not lump them in with other experiences. Thank you for your comment and I am sending wishes that you find some way to overcome this resentment and have a better life. D.

Thanks to all of you for the comments. The man that I love has told me that I possess a rare quality but it is just me. All of my life I have heard that I am different. People open up to me. I take this as a huge compliment. My love has taught me to value my qualities and also my friends here on EP. As an only child I had the advantage of being an observer of life. My closest friends growing up were my male cousins and I learned how men think from them. I now realize that this was a huge part of understanding men and how they relate to life. <br />
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Some women think of men as the enemy. I do not agree with or understand this way of thinking. Why devalue half of the human race like this? Do not men cry? Do not men yearn? Do not men have a fragile heart also? <br />
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Little boys are told not to cry when they fall down but little girls are coddled and protected. Why? Pain and hurt is the same for both sexes. Sometimes I think it is worse for men. They are expected to suck it up and always present this strong persona. This is so unfair. <br />
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I agree totally with you Zorbas. There has been a shift in my lifetime for men in this society. I understand why young men fear commitment. Do you remember that commercial about the women doing it all? What about the way men are portrayed in the commercials today? Always being the boob and the woman being the "smart" one in the relationship. I dislike this intensely and have made many phone calls voicing my distaste at men being devalued. Children watch this and are affected by negative feelings towards men in our society. This is not funny and I never laugh. It is an insidious problem and needs to stop. <br />
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I will never let the man that has won my heart feel devalued like this. He sees in me what I have learned to value in myself and I see in him everything I could ever have wanted. I would go to the wall for him! My love for him is tender and kind but also fierce like a tigress. I never feel halfway. Love and commitment is a deep emotion with me. No one else ever came close to winning my heart but he has done this with every action. Every other experience pales in comparison. <br />
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Sometimes I feel as if I have done a disservice to former partners. I always held something back but they never took the time to really know me. My love tells me that I am a very complex woman and he finds this fascinating. He is the one man that truly gets me. And he is the only man that has won me totally. In this we both are blessed for we can be ourselves. What a wonderful feeling!

I am sincerely happy for you that you have found what should be for everyone.

That's what I'm saying...a refuser's issues are much deeper than that.

You are to be commended in your wonderful attitude but you must know by now that you are an extreme rarity. A minority in these times.The woman of whom you spoke of here does represent a much more prevalent ideal of the present American wife. <br />
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While it is not overtly prevalent in most of the comments that are brought to the forum , if looked at closely one can see that it doesindeed prevail.<br />
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Frankly I have little to say about it one way or the other but I do know from many younger couples we come in contact with that their relationships are far less deeply committed then were those of our parent's generation.<br />
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Young men that I have employed over the past few years had admitted to me that they feel strongly that they are simply being used in marriage for financial security only. Held bondage, in a way, because of familial responsibilities. I can see why no young man would wish the legal commitments and entanglements that marriage brings to the table. <br />
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I do not know what the root cause may be but do understand that the nuclear family Will ultimately dissolve in our society thus weakening it.

I understand. And you are certainly right. A woman like that could certainly be a refuser. But, coming from a healthy relationship, you have no idea how "off" a real refuser really is. I could never use sex as a weapon with my husband even if I wanted to. It never mattered enough to him. If I ever thought "I'm mad at him...no sex tonight" he never noticed. I was/am married to him 14 years and not once have I felt like my sexuality had any pull on him at all.