Being Companions And Parents The Only Focus For Almost 4 Years.

I can't say that sex was ever the highlight of our relationship, which has lasted almost 12 years...10 as a married couple.  It was very good, in my opinion anyway.  But my drive, low in her opinion now, was never what she experienced with those before me.  And in the beginning, it was my overall differences that attracted me to her.  Over time, however, these "strengths" and "attractions" became things she also resented.  After having two children, we fell into a sexless relationship.  And she began to resent more and more about me.  Thus, she had no interest in me sexually/romantically and, unfortunately, I chose not to push her about it.  It was not until she had been thinking about divorce for over a year and had an affair that I stumbled over that we began to actively look at our relationship.

Now I would like to say that we have worked things out and are on the road to a stronger relationship, but truly we are just starting to work on things.  I am working on myself and being a better husband and father.  She is working on not being involved in the affair and trying to see me in a positive light.  No guarantees that we will work things out and stay married.  But I remain hopeful.

In the end, regaining intimacy and returning to having sex is going to be important.  For her, doing so will mean she is attracted to me again and has been able to stop being angry with me.  For me, doing so will mean I have my wife back, have regained my inner strength and confidence, and that I can trust her again.  No matter what, though, we both agree that if we are not able to get to a point in which we both want and do have sex with each other, then divorce will be the end result.  Neither of us wants to remain in a sexless marriage/relationship.  It is important...even if I chose not to see that for such a long time.

For those who may ask "How can you get past the affair?" understand this:  the affair issue is an entity all by itself.  Our marriage was sexless and headed in the wrong direction for a long time.  For that I must take equal responsibility...if not slightly more.  The affair now makes our journey much more difficult, but the issues that led to no sex/intimacy would have led toward divorce regardless. 

fritzn fritzn
41-45, M
1 Response Feb 26, 2010

fritzn, thanks for sharing. Do you know why your libido was low in the first place? What concrete actions are you going to take to ensure more frequent sex and avoiding a sexless marriage again?