I Don't Have *******, And So My Boyfriend Doesn't Want Me Anymore

I'm 30, and though I love sex, ********** frequently, have no body image issues, etc., I have never had an ******.  This is a huge problem in my relationship of three years, because my boyfriend feels emasculated by it and thus does not want to have sex.  The orgasmlessness/sexlessness broke us up once; though we got back together, the orgasmlessness has put a huge damper on our sex life for some time.  

It's ironic, because what was really fantastic about our relationship was sexual chemistry--so much so that even when we first broke up (with hard feelings, no less) we still couldn't keep our hands off each other.  We have tried everything: we went to couples counseling; I have sought medical assistance; I have gotten a prescription for Viagra; I have bought a range of sex toys; the list goes on and on. It was almost like the more I tried to address it, the worse things ended up being, because there's nothing very sexy about spending hours upon hours with gynecologists, etc.  (Another problem was that we went through a period where he made a list of ways in which I wasn't 'enough,' and I tried to meet his demands, with devastating effects on my own self-esteem.)  

But we got through that, and now, in every other way, we're happier than we've ever been. (Amazingly, he can still turn me on with a light touch to my lower back, even after all of this.) But we practically have to schedule sex, and even when we do, sometimes he doesn't want it. (Honestly, I don't really want the sex either at some of our scheduled times, but I don't feel like I can ever refuse sex when he initiates, for fear of discouraging him from initiating.

I don't know what my question is. Is it realistic to think that I can have a good sex life with someone else? I guess this whole experience has made me question not only our relationship but also whether anyone would want to have with me what I consider to be a good sexual relationship.  Am I doomed to sexlessness because of orgasmlessness?  When I think back about how exciting our sex was at the beginning, I crumple: I miss it so much.  

sabrinafairchild sabrinafairchild
26-30
15 Responses Feb 27, 2010

Sabrina, a couple of questions please.<br />
Are your hormone levels normal specifically testosterone?<br />
Do you make a point of telling him when you enjoy sex?<br />
For myself, I think the giving of pleasure is what sex should be about...

sabrinafairchild,<br />
<br />
If you use a vibrator on yourself do the sexual feeling start to build up so you are reaching a stage of increased excitement? Does your heart beat faster and your breathing increase in frequency? If you do reach this stage then the fact that you are getting excited would also be exciting for your boyfriend.<br />
<br />
When you are excited you do things which you may not do when you are in a less excited state.<br />
If you have reached this plateau stage then it may only require a little bit more stimulation to send you over the hill. Even if this does not happen for many years it also might equally well just happen at any time. I think that the more you keep trying to stimulate yourself the stronger will be the chances of you achieving your climax.<br />
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Do you ever feel sexually frustrated and if so does the ************ relieve this frustration even if you do not ******. <br />
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I wish you all the luck in the world to achieve your desire of becoming orgasmic.

Sabrina,<br />
<br />
Take a look at anorgasmia.com About 10% of women do not have ******* but after treatment 80 - 90% are able to achieve ******, quite a lot of hope it seems.

Piling on...<br />
I can see where your BF is frustrated, because it makes him feel like he's inadequate, whatever the reason. My wife is anorgasmic (as far as I can tell; she won't discuss it), and it's frustrating as hell; for her, sex is uninteresting.<br />
<br />
That said, this is his problem, not yours. If you're enjoying sex and this doesn't keep you from being sexual, nothing's broken - it's just his hangup. He needs to cope with it or you two need to part ways. It's unfair of him to make you feel bad about it; there are a lot of non-orgasmic women out there.

It sounds like you've been with your current boyfriend for a while. I think it's great that the two of you underwent counseling and have tried to work this out together. However, it also sounds like he is punishing you for something he should know is not your fault!! I agree with VB that this is passive aggressive and it sure isn't helping any chance you might have at an ******. Is he cruel to you in other ways? The pressure on you must be great and is likely taking the joy out of sex. You may need to decide at some point, if not now, whether this is a deal-breaker for the relationship.<br />
<br />
From my perspective, if the woman is a loving and active participant in sex, the ****** thing isn't important. It's much more important to a man than to a woman; Guys need to know it's not the ultimate goal of sex for us. Your BF's insistence on ignoring this fact is another troubling aspect of his behavior and attitude towards you.<br />
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I wish you good luck with this...<br />
<br />
-MR

I agree with vegas.<br />
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I can't ****** during sex at all - but I can by myself. HOWEVER I still would rather have orgamsLESS sex any day over a self inflicted ******. <br />
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Absoultey. You can have a good sex life, although men like to see you *** there are plenty out there who will get just as much joy being with you either way!!! <br />
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This boyfriend (THANK GOD you haven't married the idiot yet) is a self centered immature DOPE

Sabrina ,<br />
<br />
Have you tried scouring the net to find stories of other people who have been non orgasmic for years and then hey presto they start coming in fast and furious? There must be other information out there to help you to see whether this is a possibility. There are lots of sexologists who would have statistical evidence of any late orgasmic capabilities. The gem in this is that you really do desire to keep on trying. I bet all of the sex starved males here would just love to be in your husbands position where you always made yourself available to their advances so that they could fornicate willy nilly! Even if you do not climax it doesn't stop your husband from having multiple ******* himself which can never be a bad thing. When he has an ****** he is sharing his body and his ****** with you which effectively brings you both closer together in the intimacy stakes. <br />
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You could offer your husband a challenge. If he normally desires one climax say every two days then set him the challenge of having one every day but with you being present and participating. Then you are both getting into sex again and both working for your own individual goals whilst still having a lot of healthy fun. It is not uncommon for one partner, often the woman, to have a greater number of climaxes than the other. The important item on the agenda is that you are sharing this precious thing called intimacy the thing we all value so very much but which is lacking for most of our partners.<br />
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Thank you for your post. I am sure you will get lots of feedback from the ladies soon.

Sabrina, the fact that you love sex and get very turned on indicates to me that you CAN have an ******. I believe that for many women, it requires more than just the physical stimulation. Your mind has to allow you to LET GO. I think sometimes the brain can get in the way because of a deep-seated fear of "losing control". <br />
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In the case of your bf, how can you feel free enough to let go when he criticizes and punishes? I think you should continue to practice on your own and focus your mind on how good you feel.

Sabrina, <br />
Just to be clear, your husband is the problem in the relationship. I am not saying it is his fault that you have not been able to have an ****** yet. Rather, he is refusing sex because he is an ***. <br />
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I agree with RichardK up above. You sound like a very patient and loving person. You deserve a man who will still have sex with you no matter what. Unless there is something more to your relationship that you are not telling.

Richard, I guess the question is, what if I (for some physical reason) cannot have them? I think my bf felt much like you describe for the first few months--let's try everything and see if we can make it happen. Which was like a sexual paradise--for both of us. But then he got it in his head that, if it hadn't happened in eight months (or whatever it was) of trying, it wasn't going to happen. And that deflated him.

You can definitely have a happy relationship with others. I think you will be better off if you date guys that are more confident and not threatened too easily.

sabrinafairchild,<br />
<br />
I find your story totally fascinating. It answers a question I have asked myself many times but not got round to asking fellow EP ers. I have always wanted to know if it is possible for a woman to have a high sex drive but not to ****** and here you are telling me vehemently that it is the case for you.<br />
<br />
I had a girlfriend for two years who had never ever orgasmed, even with a vibrator. The vibrator was the most successful stimulant for her but she just reached the plateau stage of ****** and then began to be uncomfortable. Having said that she definitely did not have a strong sex drive and rarely wanted any physical contact. Although I would always want to please my partner sexually and try to coax out her ****** if I knew that she was really enjoying herself then I would be happy to participate any time, any place, any where. To have carte blanch freedom over her body and to be able to satisfy myself completely would always seal my unbridled love and passion.<br />
<br />
If you are willing to spend time trying to achieve an ****** I see this as a golden opportunity for your partner to be able to justify spending mega hours of intense sexual therapy pampering and teasing your sensuality like fine tuning a precious and valuable violin.. It sounds like a Golden Age of sexual freedom and one which for I would sell my soul. <br />
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That magical inexplicable epitome of femininity, the female ****** seems to me to be truly a wonderful thing to achieve and is worth ever second in its quest. I think when you have had one the floodgates will open and you will find them easier to achieve every time. The most important thing is that you have the desire to to experience the ultimate jewel in the crown, and when you do your husband will need to spend a lot more time satisfying your new box of magical tricks. <br />
<br />
I'm intrigued about hearing what other EP'ers think of your situation.

He is not the reason I can't have *******--I can't have them alone either, and I couldn't have them even before I met him. So I don't think I could have ******* with someone else. But maybe I could have a happy sex life with someone else, since I love sex even without *******. But maybe other people are going to think I am 'broken' like he does. There's a story on here from morpheous1 about how dissatisfied he is with his sex life because his wife doesn't have *******: he views her as a refuser.

That is fascinating Sabrina. Do you not get ******* even when you **********?<br />
<br />
A lot of guys will feel bad if they can't give their woman an ******. But if the woman never gets ****** and is happy with the sex, it shouldn't be a big deal.

Answer: No, do not marry this man and yes, you can have a lovely orgasmic marriage with somebody else. He is the problem. <br />
<br />
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However, to be honest, I think you should answer the following question: Why do I take so much abuse??