Used

About 4 years ago, my wife told me that she thought I used her for sex and stated that I didn't do enough around the house and was selfish.  This was a little over a year that my child was born.  I remember feeling hurt, like someone kicked me in the nuts when she said that.  I had noticed that the sex and intimacy had all but stopped and asked her why.  That was her response.



The person that I am, I took a step back and said I need to do better.  I was always under the impression that we shared things equally.  Since then, I now do all of the house cleaning inside and outside of the house.  She does the cooking and the laundry as I don't do those things right.

Ever since she told her that I use her for sex, I have never quite felt the same toward her.  The occasions that we do make love, I am always wondering if she is just doing me a favor and wonder if I am just using her again.  It is an awful thing to carry around.  I am just wonderin if I am being too sensitive?  How would you all take that comment?  I don't know why that one bothers me so much even after 4 years.  I guess I feel like I was betrayed or something.



Thanks for listening and sorry for rambling on.

lion98632 lion98632
36-40, M
19 Responses Feb 27, 2010

This funny. A buddy of mine faked erectile dysfunction at the doctor just to get a prescription for Viagra. He tried it and he said that it was amazing to have a hard-on for that long. I still think he was crazy. By the way, he is only 30 years old.

OMG - Too funny! At this point, wouldn't know what to do with an 8 hour. Think my "head" would explode.<br />
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Pun intended.<br />
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My office mate is playing the "Man with the Golden Gun" theme song. Random!!!

I tried calling that number for the erection lasting more than 4 hours, but they refused to talk to me saying their solution only works for people who have taken the pill.

Don't you need to seek medical attention if you have an erection for more than 4 hours? Somebody explained to me how they fix that. OUCH!!! :-)

Cool! I can definitely do that. Hopefully, Viagra or some other "get it up drug" will be available when I get there. :-)

I just don't understand what is wrong with old people sex. I think normal people's brains change as one gets older and what they see as attractive also changes. In other words, when you are old and wrinkled, you look at the old and wrinkled because you can relate to it. At least, I hope this is the case.

IamLadyA - I find your sense of humor funny! I don't know any grown man regardless of age that would pass up a BJ! Just because you get old, shouldn't mean that your sex drive shuts off. Heck, I was watching Dr. OZ the other day and he was talking about the benefits of a healthy sex life. My W saw this episode with me as she is really into his preachings and seemed unimpressed by his comments. Such a shame!<br />
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Vegas - Yeah, wasn't planning on sharing the D-Day with her. She is very good at manipulating and controlling me through guilt. I hate feeling that way.<br />
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AC - I don't think I could pull your technique off. She would be extremely pissed if I put some moves on her when she was asleep. Last summer, she initiated with my for the first time in years and after 6 months of no sex. She woke me up at 4:00 am and was horny. Of course I said yes to this! It was awesome and I told her I loved being woken up for sex. Had I done that to her, she would want to kill me because it would have ruined her beauty sleep. I find that perverse! It is wrong to have a set of rules that is ok for one person and different for another.<br />
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Just as a reality check, I had mentioned one morning that I was extremely horny and contemplated waking her and she said, "It was a good thing that you didn't because she was really tired!" She is always really tired. And I am tired of the rejection.

Lyzer - if he's done, he's done. Purchase the casket - tell him to go lie down.

What is sex supposed to look like? is one question. <br />
Refusing sex altogether is madness. <br />
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Lyzer, <br />
Are you seriously convinced that your husband is so clueless? <br />
I find it hard to believe that a man -- nay, any person -- who is adept enough to surf through the interweb and monkey around on FaceBook can not possibly be aware of more adventurous sex past the age of 40 years.

Lion, <br />
You are too young for this madness. <br />
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There are a few of things in your history that parallel mine. My wife said that I was a slob and that I needed to help out around the house more -- despite the fact that she was breeding live ****-roaches in an open container in our bedroom. I know. Unbelievably strange but true. I am sucked into the insanity. You must cut it off at the pass or you will go mad too. <br />
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The excuse of helping out with chores is just a lashing out by a mildly insane but definitely insane person. Do not waste effort trying to understand any profound meaning behind that excuse. [ Have you ever met a person who babbles on the street? Have you ever stopped and had a conversation with them. I have. I used to do it often just for kicks. You ask them how they are doing and they tell you: " I feel like chocolate! " and then they go on about how they like chocolate and chocolate makes them feel happy and everybody should be happy and on and on. These people can truly be happy wearing the same clothes every day, starving in the cold and babbling nonsense. ] That is precisely what your wife's excuse represents. It is the best answer she could give to a nonsense situation that she is comfortable accepting. <br />
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How do you cut it off at the pass? <br />
If you love her and you want to stay for the sake of the kids, I am not sure. All I can tell you is my experience. After realizing that I was dealing with insanity, I gave up any hope of trying to reason. Check my first story here if you are interested in learning my controversial rehab technique. It sort of worked. Our frequency of sex now is slim ( 2 to 3 times a month ) but it is better than nothing. Also, my wife got rid of many of her silly messy hobbies. She has stopped nagging me to do chores in every waking hour. In fact, she does more chores now and I do less. I think she has learned to accept the full package of being a stay-at-home wife to a self-employed husband.

I am going to put together a game plan to change things. I thinking putting a clock on it is the correct way to go. If you don't, nothing will ever change and most like, it will not change for her. I think a lot of the refuser types are simply not able to see any problems and except any responsibility. We all have our flaws and imperfections, but at the end of the day it always comes down to how you respond to things and try to make it better.

@lion, "pervert" is a word some women use to make sex sound dirty and evil. It's one of those charged words in the English language. Loving sex doesn't qualify.

Blackdress,<br />
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Those things all seem to fit. I love sex, so not sure if that qualifies me as a pervert. :-) Figured that was a guy thing.<br />
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It does leave me feeling used, manipulated, resentful, angry, and bitter.

@Lion, fwiw that statement about being used for sex would bother me too. It says many things:<br />
1) You don't care about me (in a manipulative way - i.e. do x, y, and z household tasks and then I'll say you do care).<br />
2) Sex is a chore and/or necessary evil<br />
3) You're a pervert<br />
4) I want to hurt you

Will do. Thanks again for the advice Vegas!

This just blows my mind. I am definitely getting there. Slow process for me. I guess it really started to be noticeable the last several months. I have been noticing other women a lot and wondering what it would be like. It is exciting and I feel awful at the same time.<br />
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We have this new hire at my workplace and she is very nice to me. You kind of forget what it is like to have someone treat you nice. She gave everyone in our department a little box of chocolates for Valentines Day. All I got out of the wife was a sarcastic card about how I was imperfect and she would let me know if she ever developed any imperfections. This after I hand wrote a nice card and got her something that she had been wanting for awhile.<br />
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She said we would have sex last night. Didn't happen. Probably why I woke up at 3:30 am. She teases me all the time that I fall asleep on the couch. This coming from a person that needs 8+ hours of sleep in order to be somewhat happy. I usually get less than 6 and I am always ready to go.

Thanks Vegas! I definitely helps me to get perspective from someone else.<br />
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I just got back from a family vacation visiting my parents and my Mom had mentioned at my wedding, that my wife's Mom had said at our reception about not buying a particular wedding gift, "I will get that for you for your second marriage."<br />
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Gee, that is nice. Her mom had said to me a few times early on, "You must have the patience of Job!" My little voice missed this one early on. Damn it. Looking back, I am not sure I would have noticed her traits. She is extremely adept at masking behavior and turning things back around on people.

I guess ultimately, I feel like she used this as a means to control me knowing my personality. I feel that she has made this like, if you just do this, know this, and this, you might get a cookie. I truly miss sex. The best part of it for me, was being able to please her. I feel like I have failed in so many ways.<br />
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To her, things seem great. She gets her little pecks with "I love you!" and that seems to be all she needs. Unfortunately, I need more than that. I always got the feeling that after our second child that I would be dead to her. Feels more and more like this every day. She got what she wanted.

It's understandable that you're questioning it - she told you in so many words that she considers sex a bartering token, not an act of love. Those are words that can't be unspoken.<br />
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You could likely make a similar claim that she's just using you for the paycheck - but, gosh, it'd be crossing the line and socially unacceptable for you to take away her car keys because she didn't [insert arbitrary task].<br />
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Marriage is a joint effort, not a barter market. If she thinks you need to pull more weight around the house (and maybe you should), that's an independent discussion from having sex. Now, if it's a topic of constant argument, I can see it putting her in an un-sexy mood, but simply withholding in barter is cheap and frankly makes her actions more like a ***** - she won't do it for love, but she will do it for trade.