Still Here, Still Stuck, Part 2... My Plan.

Part 1 gave a bit of background on my 16-year sexless marriage.  We've been through pretty intensive therapy and counseling - years and years, thousands and thousands of $$$s.  I finally concluded that I need sex and will do whatever I need to do to take care of myself.  Neither me or my wife wants to divorce, so that only leaves me with FWB type relationships.  I suggested an "open" marriage to my wife, but she doesn't really accept it.  She says she doesn't "blame" me and that she doesn't "disapprove" - but it's clear that she also isn't giving "permission."  She says I can go out, but if I sleep with another woman the first consequence will be that I sleep on the couch... the duration of the "couch" hasn't been determined, but at this point I'm thinking it's worth it.  I am fully aware that there may be other consequences - she may decide that she just can't stay in the relationship, but at this point I think I'm willing to take that risk.  To continue like this is simply an early death.

I live in the San Francisco Bay, which is full of very progressive people so finding women willing to enter into a physical relationship with me has been surprisingly easy.  I intend to create one night a week where I get my night "out" - what I do with my time is entirely up to me, but I've told my wife that if I have sexual contact with another woman on my night out, when I come home I will sleep on the couch.  I know this plan is fraught with potential complications, but there really is no easy solution... and it seems a better option than divorce - although that may be where we eventually end up.

I still love my wife, and we make a great "functioning family" - except for the sex thing.  Our kids are happy and we take wonderful family vacations.  It's all good, almost.  I just hate to throw out the baby with the bathwater.  I think I can handle an outside relationship, but I don't know if my wife can.  I've been very open with her, but she doesn't want to know anything about it - except if it happens she wants to know so that she can enforce the consequences.

We'll see how it goes.  I hope to institute my "night out" within the next week or two.  Wish me luck!

doctorjimbo doctorjimbo
41-45, M
8 Responses Feb 27, 2010

I end up on the couch for a lot more benign reasons (eg she isnt feeling well) so if that is the extent of the penalty, I'd say go for it.

DJ, we get these clowns here from time to time. Don't sweat it. This is a case that people can't really relate to unless they have experienced it.

Wow cocoshanel... I too look forward to your story. I wish it were as easy as you suggest. In our case, there was no slow die-off of the sex, it was pretty much gone before we even got married. I share in the housework and child care - that has never been a complaint. I shower her with complements and gratitude, even buy her flowers. I would love to kiss her for an extended period of time - hell, I'd love to just touch and stroke her arm and face. She's so far removed from sex that physical contact, even looking at her often draws a "what do you want" comment. I think there are two things at play: 1) sex simply isn't a driving need for her - she has consistently told me that she could happily live the rest of her life without it, and 2) on some very deep level I think she needs to keep distance.

cocoshanel, I eagerly look forward to seeing your story...

hi doctorjimbo<br />
funny i just joined today your story is the first one i read. you've been in therapy, you talk to her about it ( seemed to me more as a threat, " if you dont , so i will ...) she said you are boring, she is waiting for you to be more interesting . <br />
when was the last time you listened truely to what she is saying verbaly or in behavior. <br />
do you remember your early married years. i am sure you complemented her more , you helped a bit more with the house and kids. you might even bought flowers sometimes . <br />
do you remind her in the morning that she is a great mother. a beautiful woman ( outside of the bedroom i mean). do you wait untill kids are asleep and the bed room door is closed to try to make love ..... boring and not interesting may mean " i hate making love around the same time . only in the bed room with the same routine of quick kissing, 4 or 5 kissing of the breast of here comes full 60 second of glory . wow ... <br />
i and i am sure your wife are looking for a lot more . our minds work before it releases lubrication to the necesary areas . long kissing . complements during the day . soft looks of love <br />
and complement again will get you much more than you are getting now , which is nothing . <br />
interesting means make love to us and take us to where we started some years ago . <br />
i am a strong believer that we are like wine . only getting better with age . waiting for some one who knows what good wine is .... good luck

Withdrawing - I honestly do not know why she does not want to have sex with me. She seems to have lost interest in sex altogether - although she denies it. She says that I am boring to her, and she has just lost interest. Whenever I try to connect, she pushes away. She is waiting for me to become more interesting to her - I can't quite figure that out. She won't tell me how I can be "more interesting." The bottom line is that it doesn't seem that she desires me - not sure why or how to change it. It's been frustrating, to say the least. Good luck.

I don't know your history, but since you've been in therapy, have you guys figured out why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you? I'm curious since my husband doesn't like to have sex with me, and I haven't seen a therapist about it - I'm just looking for reasons that exist out there.

Ah!! I have been waiting for someone who chooses the red pill. Good for you!<br />
<br />
If you have told your wife you are going the FWB route and you want to stay married, you got to do things differently. You don't owe her any detailed information. I suggest you move out to the guest bedroom or the basement now rather than signaling your business by selectively sleeping on the couch. <br />
<br />
Good luck and let us know how this works out for you.