Biological Imperatives And Sexless Marriages

My love and I were talking today about how long we had lived in sexless marriages and I had a sort of light bulb moment. This is in regards to possibly why some women become refusers. Not me for I was the refused in my marriage.I came to write this story by learning more from my lover's experiences.

I also thought about the phrase "He is just going through a typical mid life crisis." What has become a pat answer for a much more complex accumulation of facts. Mid life crisis to me is a cop out on the refusers part. She sits back and throws her hands in the air and cries out "Poor me. I have done everything to make him happy. I was the perfect wife." Friends and family gather around this "poor wronged " woman and offer her tons of sympathy while her rat of a husband gets thoroughly denounced for being a selfish cad.

Many men come the decision to leave after years of angst and mid life can be from the age of 35 to 55. It depends on the individual so we are talking about a lot of years in men's lives. This is where my light bulb moment came into play. Usually the woman has met her biological need to reproduce by this time in her husband's life. A home has been bought and her nesting instinct has been satisfied. The man's career is usually pretty established. There is a comfortable circle of friends. Nice furniture in the home and many women can finally be stay at home mothers depending on the level of their partners financial success. Children are well on their way in school or even graduated and on to their own lives and careers. All of the primary reasons why women seek mates have been met.

This is where men get the short end of the stick so to speak.  He gets just enough sex to keep him around. Usually not great enthusiastic sex but a duty sex or pity sex and he knows this. In the extreme case of the self satisfied wife, he gets no sex. Why should she try? All of her needs have and are being met. She certainly does not want or need him for sex anymore. Wants and needs fuel actions.

I have learned a lot about what men go through from the man that I love. I have also thought a great deal about why women become refusers. Is it possible, that in many cases, this is a result of the gratification of biological needs? The husband has satisfied these needs and is taken for granted. His job has been fulfilled for the most part. It does pose an interesting theory.

I realize that there are many other reasons that men leave. Some are just hound dogs on the scent of something new but I am speaking of good hardworking men who have done above and beyond the call of duty. Who are good fathers and loving and decent. Any comments will be appreciated and I am in no way leaving out intentionally the women here on EP that are the refused but that is another story. Peace,D.

dartist dartist
56-60, F
4 Responses Feb 27, 2010

I too cannot equate loving someone and not wanting to be intimate with them. Perhaps some people love the situation instead of the person? If both partners are happy with the situation, then fine but for those of us who long for the intimacy that a marriage should bring no matter how many years have passed, then the word love takes on a new meaning. <br />
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Realizing that women also go through this was an eye opening experience for I believed I was the only woman who felt like this. Why my first stories were so angry as I felt defensive about my feelings. It was a relief to find out differently but also sad. Being refused crosses gender lines and is a human being issue that we both share as men and women. <br />
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Sex and the lack of sex in a marriage now shows me that something else is going on. Taking one's spouse for granted is a huge issue. Lack of respect is also at the heart of sexless marriages. And what about plain liking the person that one is married to? <br />
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Not only do I love the man that I will spend the rest of my life with, I like him! He reflects the qualities that I like in myself but I had to reach a certain point in my life to acknowledge my good qualities. Do we marry the first time out of lust and not truly knowing who we are? It is the thing to do because it is expected? Then time and years bring to us a realization that what we thought back then is not who we really are? <br />
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I certainly do not think the same as when I was younger. Personal happiness was not something I concentrated on very much. I didn't know what a red flag was. People got married and had children so I did the same. I patterned myself after adults I saw in growing up. "You make you bed..." Looking back it was impossible for me to love anyone until I first loved myself. Perhaps a cliche but true. <br />
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Loving and touching go hand in hand. True love brings a desire to become closer through a sexual way. True love knows that one's partner needs the comfort that sex brings. True love lets go of ego and expands the mind into a place of desire and total acceptance. True love brushes away the toll that the years take and sees the beauty of the beloved's soul. True love is a comfort. Unselfish and giving. True love needs true love in return or it slowly dies.

Thanks to all of you for the comments. As always I am finding things to learn from others here. That every relationship has its own unique elements and the reasons that people stay or leave can be simple or complex. As R3 wrote, believe and it will be. There is much to be said for self fulfilling prophecy. All the best,D.

I don't know who created the whole idea that we are not good if we don't stay with the same person for over 50 years. My husband is on his second marriage and I am on my first. I waited until I was thirty to get married. I am not sure I am really marriage material. I have been faithful but now it has been three years since we made love-for so many different reasons. It is a stereotype to say we have to continue in a relationship that maybe finished. Some people have relationships that are like the energizer bunny- I think we should do what feels natural. But that sounds so liberal and lazy- I am not sure of the answer- I agree that some women and men feel that they have put their time in and so thus can continue in a lazy, status quo -secure marriage- I think that is terrible!!! I don't really know what the answer is. I think it is hard once you have an emotional attachment to the other- and we have been brainwashed to think if we let it all go we have failed- or the other must be upset and or feel betrayed. If I could convince my husband, more like my best friend business partner- we are really good at starting businesses- that we should just let each other go but it is not so easy- who knows???

When a marriage last through the financial burdens, raising children, sending them to college, paying off the house, I believe the female spouse has a sense of "she is owed" ... for giving up her body to have the children .. .giving up her manicures ... to clean the house ... giving up her time for shopping, giving up her nights for cooking and cleaning up .. and she comes to believe that all she has to do is "be a good girl and let her man perform sexual acts" .. in order to assure that the situation remains the same ... <br />
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I know this sounds sexist and I am far from that ... I consider myself a liberated woman of the 60's ... MS Magazine, working mother, the whole era was mine .. I always worked, we always shared the household duties, including watching the children, cooking dinner, shopping, cleaning .. you name it .. We pooled our money together and we had a decent life.<br />
However, this does not mean that I owe him or he owes me anything for the rest of our lives.<br />
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Many of my female friends have a sense that their husbands owe them because they gave so much to the marriage .. WHAT DID THEY GIVE? Marriage is a give and take ... and many couples fall out of love and don't even like each other, much less want to pull their pants down for each other ... The wife does what she "has to do" ... to keep him around .. keep the pension checks coming .... Many woman my age (55+) worked around their children and husbands and never developed pensions ... Many woman never worked outside the home. A good friend of mine once told me that she had her quota of sex ... imagine that ... I didn't know there was a quota .... I never viewed sex or making love as a job .. or as something to get done .. I enjoy intimacy although my husband never did .. I forced the issue many many times in order to be intimate with him .... another story.....<br />
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Many men fall into the trap of feeling responsible for the little woman ...<br />
How is she ever going to survive without my income ....<br />
How is she ever going to grown old ... if I am not sitting in the rocking chair next to her.<br />
How are my children going to view me if I leave their mother?<br />
Will my children take away my grandchildren to punish me for leaving "their mother" ..<br />
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The fear and the guilt ... is not realistic .. just in their minds .. but it works so well.<br />
Many men do not leave their marriages because they do not want society to think they are not decent good husbands ...............geez .. give me a break ............really guys .... come on ladies.... we are not playing house here ... we all deserve happiness ... if we are with spouses who do not give us the happiness we so deserve ... it is time to realize this and have a life before we end up in the graveyard .............stark but true..<br />
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Believe in new beginnings and new relationships ... ones that can add to our lives and ones that can make us smile instead of frown.<br />
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Believe and it will be.