Don't Know What To Do

I've been living in a sexless marriage and don't know why.   Even though my husband and I have had sex maybe twice a month for the last few months, it's only been at the insistence of me.  I feel worse and worse about myself as time goes on and i know that I have so much to offer.  After reading so many posts I was surprised to think that he could be being passive aggressive.  Is it possible that he wants to hurt me or make me feel bad because he can be such a miserable person himself?  It took us so long to get pregnant even though we were having sex all of the time.  We finally realized that we needed to go do IVF and fortunately, it worked.  But since I had my baby 9 months ago, my husband has not cared to have sex at all.  If I never initiated it, I swear he would be fine.  I don't know what to do at this point.  I would never cheat on him, but I almost wish that he'd care if I thought about other men at all.  I've talked to him which makes me just feel worse, like a desperate nag.  I've written a heartfelt letter to express how serious this is.  He's made promise after promise to me that "we'll have sex tomorrow night" and he never follows through.  He's alluded to the fact that he's uncomfortable because he's overweight, but he's not showing that he cares enough to fix it if that's the reason.  And that kills me, by the way, because I'm the one who had the baby, yet I got right back in shape, not only because I care about myself, but also because I value how much he's attracted to me.  I don't think he cares whether I find him physically attractive or not.  Maybe he prefers I don't?  I am at such a loss.  When we fight, to me, it's so much more about the sexless marriage and not feeling fulfilled, even if the topic doesn't even come up.  I'm sorry this is such a long post, I just know I can't go on like this anymore.  I deserve to be happy and fulfilled in my marriage.  What should I do?

withdrawing withdrawing
31-35, F
8 Responses Feb 27, 2010

Being in an incredibly dysfunctional marriage and seeing the "turn-off" thing...I am familiar with this. although weekends like Roadrunner540's are a good start 'd suggest building activities into your lives for the long haul that will bring you closer together as friends. It may be easy for him to turn off because of the sexual prowess thing and he could resort to **** as an easy substitution to relieve any sexual frustration. Thus if you annoy him and you put pressure on the baby thing it's easier for him to turn and walk away emotionally. I figure if you do things on the friend/buddy level it would open up more avenues for communication other than sex and babies which are both awkward. Try find something you both like or maybe experiment with his likes to see if you may adopt them. <br />
Hanging your hopes on romantic evenings that could be a bust is a high risk. I understand life is short but if your married wasn't it for the long haul? Isn't it best to crave out healthy trails with high yields than cut bait. This is one of those "or for worse" times. Or Worse could affect you him or both or the relationship. What are you or him willing to bring to the table to fix the Or Worse part, or did you just hope it'd never happen. Or maybe it's a good time to see who's good at what and designate a "fixer" and "solutions" for this situation. <br />
I wish you all the best.

First, I would recommend you stop the fighting. Its never good on a relationship.<br />
Plan a weekend away to rekindle your relationship. Get some sexy clothes, perfume.<br />
If he has lost his desire, get him on Viagra... that will fix him. If all that fails, then say good bye and move on. Life is too short.

well withdrawing,<br />
being in a similar situation (my wifes refuses sex for almost 3 years now , so NO sex at all and no not even a kiss or touch !) i can see you are suffering heavily like i am. a human being that is relatively healthy has sexual and emotional needs, in my country (and a lot of other countries) it is even mentioned in the law that husbands and wives are obliged to have sex with the one they are married with, but there seems to be mostly a mental problem in your husbands head, maybe he is having problems getting an erection (due to being overweight, very tired from work etc...) i can tell you that a healthy man wants to give and get all the sex you can handle ;-) <br />
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my advice is : if you are a real christian ( and if you are ,you definately know what that is ) you should stay with him and do what you can to help him if you dont know what God is about then you might better get out of this miserable marriage and find yourself a healthy man who will be very happy to have a woman to please and love !!

I agree with vegassbaby. Make clear your feelings and needs. Whether your husband's problem comes from "delayed adolescence" or depression or something else, this is really HIS issue, ie, you can't MAKE someone be someone they're not. You deserve honesty and happiness. If it is any comfort to you, I am in the same situation. Married, 44, with two young kids. I would love to hear back from you to know how you're doing. Hang in there!!

Actually, was his sex drive like this before the IVF? Was it like this before you guys realized you were IF? <br />
<br />
See DH and I are IF and after three IUIs and the loss of our twins conceived through IVF we are just burnt out on TTC. However, I can say the TTC journey really took its toll on our sex life. Our sexual problems have many sources and issues, but I am positive that TTC and failing took played a huge part. <br />
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In fact, if you are part of any IF boards, if you ask them about their sex life you will find astounding answers. Even for those who were eventually able to conceive through forms of ART's. It makes the men feel less 'manly' and thus insecure in their sexual prowess. I am sure this would effect their desire.

As a guy, I really can't relate to your husband's lack of desire (although I understand a lack of interest can go both ways). I can only suggest that you talk long and often. No accusations, just be clear about how important it is to you and how it makes you feel. That won't necessarily cure it, but even in my frustration, I find that the communication helps to keep us civil with each other. Counseling may help with the communication and the coping, but from my experience, it isn't a cure.

Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. It's so hard for me to believe (because I don't want to) that my husband's sex drive has changed for good. He used to be more into sex than I was when we were in our twenties. Now, in our mid-thirties, it's like he's done for life. I can't live the rest of my life like this. I envision having sex at least into my sixties!

Hi... I want to make you feel better, because I know how horrible you are feeling living in the hell that sexual deprivation puts you through.<br />
<br />
I want to... but all that I can say is the truth that I have come to learn... your husband does not that the same level of sex drive as you do... and he probably never will. What I have learned about the marriage partner that does not have the drive, is that lacking this internal interest in things erotic, they just become oblivious to our need for sex in order to be happy and fulfilled.<br />
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Sorry,<br />
Hugs,<br />
James<br />