Slowly Going Crazy

Staying up so many nights wondering what is wrong with me, my husband, and our marriage drove me to here.  It is sad that so many people are having the same problem of sexless marriage as I have, but I must admit I find some comfort in knowing that I am not alone...

My husband and I have been married for almost a year.  We make love maybe once a month, if I initiate it.  If I don't, my husband could happily go forever without any physical intimacy.  We're both young, have no children (I'm 31 and he is 32).  My husband blames his lack of libido on work, too many responsibilities, everyday stress, the usual.  I doubt that's the real reason, though.  We are just married, both have very stable jobs, have no kids, no mortgage, nothing.  If he feels too overwhelmed now to have sex with me, how any married couple would manage to ever be intimate? 

I've tried everything I could to work this out.  Everything. I tried to communicate with him in a very gentle and understanding way if there's something I should be doing to get him more excited, if I ever hurt his feelings so that he doesn't feel like being with me physically, or whether he is seeing someone else.  He denies everything. We even went to therapy. Still no change. Although my husband claims that he loves me and begs and pleads me to stay if I tell him I'm thinking about leaving this marriage, I am starting to think that he simply doesn't care enough about me.  I recognize that he is a good person with a good heart, but I cannot go on like this.  I take good care of my body and I'm very fit, but I feel so ugly and unattractive.  I feel like my husband is slowly drying me out, body and soul, and in a few years, all that would be left of me would be a nice big pile of ashes.

The most devastating part is that resentment from this is slowly oozing into every other part of our relatinship.  After so many talks and so much hurt feelings, I can't muster the strength and courage to reach out to him anymore.  I pray, I read, I try to keep myself busy with other things, but deep down inside, I am devastated everyday.

howdoi howdoi
31-35, F
17 Responses Mar 1, 2010

An important fact to consider is the environmental contaminants that have depleted male hormones and dropped testosterone in unheard of numbers.<br />
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A simple cream can do the trick if this is the problem. If he loves you, he'll try it. It's easy, relatively inexpensive, and quickly absorbed. Very discreet and becoming more and more common, as well.<br />
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It's obvious you want to do what is right, and we are all pulling for you. If there is something reasonable left to try, try it. Your conscience will thank you.

I have been married for almost a year now. And really with the same problems, what I looked into was having and open marriage rather it be the both of you or just you I would talk to him about it. You have needs that obviously are not getting met. But the nice thing is if you are both open minded then maybe being with some one else will put that spark back. And you know what if that doesn't work then you gave it your best shot. I would part after that you both have needs that have to be satisfied. Go about a soft way and look in to it before jumping into that's what worked for us but every couple is different. Hope this helps a little.

I really appreciate all your inputs. I have read all of them again and again, and will try to keep them at heart. At the risk of sounding like a battered wife who claims that her husband is a good person afterall and always apologizes for what he did, the fact that my husband can be sometimes very kind and caring makes it very hard for me to make the ultimate decision. I don't think there is much I can do at this point to change him. Even if I try, his body doesn't seem to cooperate anyway. I am giving myself a year from now to see if I can learn to live without sexual intimacy. Thanks again for your sharing and kind thoughts.

I fully appreciate where you are coming from, this has happended to me too. I was in a 5 relationship and sex seemed to go out of the window after the first year. I ended up having an affair after the 4th year and it was the best thing that could have happened as it gave me the inner resources to really look at our relationship from a deeper perspective. Needless to say that we eventually ended things, but if I had not initiated an affair, things would have dragged on the same way with far worser consequences. Of course every relationship is different, but guilt is a useless emotion especially when things are not working out. I hope things work out fine for you, drop me a line if you want me to clarify anything. Daniel.

I am trying to save a marriage, because marriage is not only having sex with your mate. It is more than that. If our good friend vectorking23 believes that marriage is confine to having a good sexual intercourse with her mate, so be it.. I am entitled to what I have said. This is what freedom of speech is all about for as long as it is not contrary to Law. It is best to try and try again. If you have spoken to your husband once or twice, make it a million times, or even more to reach what you call intimacy.

Troll alert - he does not get any of this. Poo-poo on you.<br />
Read up a little Greggie-boy and then get back to us.<br />
You are out of your league and I feel a great backlash coming if you enter the lion's den again without a good, sharp sword.

Thou shallt be together, for richer or poorer, for sickness and in pain, for happy moments and sadness. Maybe these words, though may not be acceptable to some people, still the best words created when a couple pledge to love each other until eternity.<br />
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At times, we just have to be realistic. We cannot live by beautiful messages alone. But even that, there are still cure for every problem. A wife they say must be prostitute in bed, with her husband. There are many ways to reeach intimacy with your husband. You can play his balls, not literally though, but you can make yourself sexually satisfying and comfortable if you talk it out with your husband on how things can be exciting. You will like what he will like, and vice-versa thus becoming compatible with each other.

Just left my sexless marriage and yes it was difficult but it has been the best thing I have ever done xx Dont let it take you 31 years as it has me!! Met someone who fulfills my whole life with love and happiness ooo and amazing lovemaking.

I have lived with this for almost 31 years of a 36 year old relationship. We make love only when he wants to and I feel it is mainly sex not love. I have 2 beautiful children but that did not help. Now I have nothing to worry about getting pregnant , it is the same. I go weeks without sex. I think I am a very loving and passionate woman and my husband comes across as if he is such a stud , it is all a front when my friends are here. Because my lack of sexual relationship on a regular basis my sexual anatomy is changing shape, no joke, and my desire is waning. I think about having sex and making love all the time.<br />
I cannot tell you to leave, but I am warning you, if he does not change soon, you are in for the long hall. Good luch in your decision.Remember you cannot change him you can only change your self.

Suggestion.<br />
Read all the comments, revisit what you learned from the counselling, seek whatever advice you can from whoever you trust.<br />
Take some time by yourself. Think.<br />
Formulate your plan going forward (be that to have another try or bale out) AND PUT A TIME fr<x>ame ON IT.<br />
Unlike a lot of ILIASM members, you are unencumbered by finances, kids etc - so "all" you have to deal with is the emotional distress your decision will cause you. That will be hard enough !<br />
Better to deal with it at 31 than 32.<br />
Good luck howdoi, from your story it looks like you have all but arrived at your decision.

I understand your hesitation to leave, but do you want to be 10 years down the road still facing the same questions, but having less sex? He will still be the same person, not a bad one but the loneliness just piles up higher. Think very carefully about where you want to be even a year from now and what kind of life you want to live, because unfortunately they rarely change, just get worse. You deserve a happy future.. go for what you want.

Do not feel guilty! You are too young for this bullshit!! <br />
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You have to make plans to leave him. If you have clearly told him that you want to make love more frequently and if he continues to refuse, YOU MUST make plans to dissolve this marriage. He does NOT deserve a second chance. If you try to give him a second chance, he will just put on an act to keep you hanging on. <br />
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Go to your priest or pastor and tell him that you want children but your husband refuses to have sex. The refusal represents a misrepresentation of the wedding vows and is cause for an annulment. <br />
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The refusal of sex in marriage is the small opening of the door into madness and more abuse. <br />
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Too tired or too stressed for sex?!??! Crap!

Thank you all for your kind comments. I was too ashamed to share this with anyone except my therapist, and it honestly feels so nice to be heard and understood. I agree, having children will not be a fix to our problem and I refuse to bring an innocent child into this troublesome relationship. Although the word divorce is popping in my head more frequently these days, I still feel some guilt that I made a promise when I married him, and I am giving up too easily, too soon, that I should somehow try harder.

Dear How: I was exactly your age when I met my STBX. I fell madly and passionately in love, but never felt that in return. He wouldn't touch me for months. Long stretches of nothing but emptiness. He used to say what your husband says. Don't leave me, I'll try harder.<br />
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You can't make someone love you the way you need to be loved. My heart goes out to you.

GET OUT NOW! It won't get better!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you are already losing feelings for him as is natural in the way you are being treated. Leave while you are young enough to find TRUE love because what you have now is NOT and you know it!

Have you ever thought about finding some pleasure with someone else? Your straying might just re-kindle his passion! If nothing else, you will at least feel some pleasure! Hus in a sexless marriage.<br />
Bill in Va.