Autopsy

Haven't been here for a while. Those of you who know me know that I have kept a personal diary since March 1999. I have been re-reading it - and sharing it with a special person over recent months. My marriage is over and done, but the diary is very revealing when viewed thru the rear view mirror. The marriage was (amongst many things) a situation of sporadic high intensity sex and periods of none whatsoever. The most recent none whatsoever period went from about 2003.

Although I didn't realise it at the time, my diary reveals that to all intents and purposes I emotionally left the marriage probably 10 years ago - but at the time, thought I was still engaged and at a cognitive level was trying all I could think of to get it fired up again.

The diary traces me gradual embracing of activities outside of the marriage to fill the void (stuff like getting very involved with my kids activities, seeing friends and that sort of stuff). It shows how I started to view my spouse in a largely dispassionate way and the development of strategies to deal with" what the situation was". There is analysis of my spouses behaviours / motivations. Cold, hard, objective analysis. There is my brutal analysis of my own motivations and behaviours. There are accounts of counselling sessions, ideas from books, support groups and other assorted mediums where I was attempting to fire up the marriage again - or at least thought that was trying to do at that time.

Yet, it is clear - thru the rear view mirror - that I was done years ago, but did not recognise it (or didn't want to recognise it) and that all the work I put into trying to fire the thing up again at a cognitive level was not really being supported at some deeper thinking level. As recently as March 2009 I was still involved, cognitively, at trying to fix the marriage. Only over recent weeks have I seen that it was an excercise in futility.

I physically left the marriage in Oct 2009. I believe I left the marriage (from a connection viewpoint) pre March 1999, in fact I think that among other things going on in my life at that time, this fact helped precipitate starting the diary.

 

Anyway, I shall at last get to the point !!

In many of the stories, posts, comments, I find myself thinking "yep, that was me", "yep, I did that", "oh yeah, I know that feeling", "been there" etc etc etc. and all sorts of feelings well up in me that I felt when I would read EP posts in this group when I joined it in Feb 2009. And, at that time, I was still pro-actively trying to fire up the marriage again - (or so I thought at a cognitive level)

Point is, in my case, it was never going to work. I had already left the marriage at a connective level. It was done, but I didn't conciously know it.

I wonder (and this is a personal opinion only) that the very fact of someone joing the "I Live In A Sexless Marriage" group might be a very clear signpost that one has in fact already left the marriage in an emotional sense ? That's NOT to say one will inevitably also leave physically, but it does seem a pretty good indicator that that may well be the end destination.

Of the stories, comments, posts etc I see, ones that go "I lived in a sexless marriage but we got through it and are now in a fulfilling relationship" are pretty rare. I tend to think that the ILIASM group is a bit of a "Waiting Room" on the line to "Splitsville". Though some of us hang around in the Waiting Room to have a coffee and a chat to other travellers, but eventually catch the train when it is the 'right' time for us to do so.

bazzar bazzar
56-60, M
10 Responses Mar 1, 2010

The one clear message I have got from joining this group is, an SM situation rarely changes. Joining this forum is almost a last-ditch effort to find some magical solution! And then you realise, there is no such solution but, you are not alone and you are worthy of more.

I agree with all of this. The point is I still dont think my marriage is dead. I know my wife is in there somewhere and I see elements of the old her every month for a week or so. She the opposite of Dr Jeckl. We used to have the most amazing sex life. We have just both been through the most horrendous experiences since we married in 1998. Whilst debating if we should split y'day we talked about money.... Even a joyous time for most, a time of relaxing and anticipation ended in misery and stress as she bled from 12 weeks on in her last pregnancy, spending 2 months (nearly) in hospital before son was born (3 yrs ago this month). She admitted she is worried about our holidays as she still isnt financially straight after the loss of all her salary from then. She has never told me this before. We have much to work on so many levels but I can tell deep down she wants to stay and try. She could have gone y'day but she chose to stay and come for councelling tomorrow (we then are going to go for lunch before she goes work). You see maybe I am naive but I strongly feel there is something worth saving. I can also only speak from experience with my own Daughter who remembers EVERYTHING when we were seperated (she was only 3 and that was 5 yrs ago) and started bed wetting. I agree that if there is emotional, verbal and physical abuse infront of the kids it has to stop with immediate effect and cannot be allowed to continue ever. On the other hand sometimes it is important to picture what will and even might happen to your kids once you are gone and how they are going to feel? Tantric TeePee gives a good example of the "grass not only being not greener" but maybe even much more dangerous. I guess I am saying if you can stick it out for them (excluding examples S/A) then there is nothing wrong with that. I can also speak from experience in that we did split for 4 months and I have never ever been so unhappy in my whole life. That was with one child (and no dogs) and let alone 2 children and 2 dogs and the financial pressures there are at the moment. I agree that if Baz then also disconnected (a two way permanent disconnect) then he obviously made the right choice. Even then I think if you can remain friends under the same roof it MIGHT be better for the kids to stick it out. Baz I am glad you are finding happiness, for those of us who stay for the "family" - We will all keep trying.

Baz- Thank you for sharing your story. I keep struggling with ending my marriage, I know it's dead, but I keep thinking what if. I keep wanting to give my H one more chance even though I know he won't take it or do anything with it, I have told him I am unhappy and lonely. I have told him I want a marriage that has sex and passion and he ignores me, so I know it would continue. Your story has helped me. That and FoP, so thank you.

The issue of staying for the kids is fraught with difficulty. Whilst all loving parents want to be with their children, it is not necessarily in the CHILDREN's best interests to stay together.<br />
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Do you really make their lives better by modelling a dysfunctional relationship to them? Some posters believe that staying together is essential for their children's happiness and growth. Others of us believe that our children learn behaviours that are less than helpful in their own adult relationships.<br />
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As one whose children were adults before I left my sexless marriage, it saddens me greatly to observe how MY relationship impacted on THEIR lives. And just to clear up any misconceptions, my sexless marriage was one of trust, loyalty, respect, warmth and yes, love. It was NOT seriously dysfunctional. But the absence od sex and physical contact conveyed a message to my children that has profoundly affected their abilities to develop and sustain long term loving relationships.<br />
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So think twice before you decide to stay "for the children". Are you sure you aren't deciding to stay "for yourself" . . . ??<br />
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And Philjay, I think you misunderstand Baz. I think the emotional disconnect resulted from the long term refusal from his wife . . . If he tried so very hard for more than ten years to reconnect with her, it speaks volumes for HIS desire to maintain the relationship IMO. Nowhere does he mention what SHE did to maintain the relationship - so that seems to be the stumbling block here.

I agree sosei. Its because we come here that we acknowledge its not too late and work on what we can change to improve our lot. If it was too late for most of us we wouldn't need the site as we would do what thousands of others do and say **** it I'm off and we would have don it within first 12 months and not needed this place. Please others in near to sexless marriages that it is worth all the pain and rejection for the sheer commfort joy and priveledge of seeing my kids grow up every day? It is also ultimatley selfish as I have said to my RW today to leave and **** your kids up for a long time if you can hang on there for them? And YES I AM being true to myself.<br />
Baz you don't make clear if you were the refuser or not and certainly allude to fact you withdrawn emotionally? Maybe this is why it end and you were sexless - either way ? Best of luck anyway !

I've been trying to decide which I prefer... and I just can't choose between them... I think I'll just alternate, and use them both.

thank you nomisery.<br />
Your tremendous empathy and sage like comments are matched only by your clear ability to be a fuckwit.

Baz,<br />
Gotta say I agree. I do think we are all at different parts of the process when we get here, but honestly, we all seem to be headed in the same direction. <br />
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So many have said, including myself, that they found this place in desperation, as a last resort for any sort of answers, or clues to why these things are happening to them. Sometimes it is difficult to get past the "everything else is good in my marriage" place. I think that maybe for some that getting past that point is admitting that things aren't going to get any better.

I agree. By the time we seek out help for this, we are already too far gone emotionally because our spouses have been denying us for a long time. We come here in varying degrees of denial ie. "everything else is good in my marriage, if we could just fix the sexlessness". Then we read and share here on ILIASM and find out that the pain of our situations runs alot deeper than simply not getting laid. From there it is a matter of time for most =(

I think you may be right... it certainly is the direction many of us ended up going in anyway...<br />
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Very insightful post... thank you...