Just Need To Talk To Someone

Been married over 20 years. Been living in a sexless marriage for several years. Tried to accept it for better or worse. Not sure why or when it happened but the intimacy ended. i am in good shape - work out etc. and my husband is VERY possessive of me. A few years ago My husband appeared to go through some sort of mid life crisis and started drinking heavily. We ended up sleeping in seperate rooms.Things went from bad to worse and despite many attempts to get through to him I failed. The marriage had become an empty shell of what it had been before. Many people commented on his change of character and behavior.  I was lonely and spending much time on my own.  I had decided that I should probably call it quits and leave my marriage. I had made so many attempts to talk about the lack of intimacy and what the marriage had come to  but these words fell on deaf ears. His retorts were usually along the line of "not interested in this conversation" etc.. I was feeling desolate. I ended up having an emotional affair that spanned almost 2 years with a married man but never had sex. I've been asked out by different men on several occasions but have always declined, telling them I am married.

Just when I thought I had things figured out my husband was diagnosed with a serious cancer. This obviously shook our entire world and I knew he needed me more now that ever so I put all differences aside, put my life and job on hold and got us through a horrible year of illness, treatment etc. won't go into details but it was horrible for us both and I have never cried so much in my life.

During the tough times I decided to move back into the same bedroon again and try to restore the closeness etc. but he then found reasons and excuses etc for this not to work and all that happened was we still ended up in seperate rooms just different ones!

Thankfully his cancer is in remission and he is now back at work again. I am now finding myself with a lot of free time again and am also feeling so lonely for real affection. Our relationship is like a brother/ sister relationship. We spend much companionalble time together but no intimacy at all. The only displays of affection I receive from him is when we are out and he is concerned other men may look at me. This is the only time he will put his arm around me or plant kisses on my cheek unexpectedly etc, he is making sure people know he has 'ownership"  of me.

I have tried to bring up the sex subject.  He saidf at one point that  "that part is all over with".  He would not however consent to my having a relationship outside the marriage either.  I now find myself in a desperate situation. My husband needs me and will for sure need me in the future so I could not leave him. However, I am not ready to give up on sex for ever.  I've thought about discreet affairs but have never really been promiscuous. I don't know if I could randomly sleep with someone.

I guess I don't expect anyone to have a solution but it sure helps to put it in writing.



cassie222 cassie222
6 Responses Mar 1, 2010

" ...my husband loves me, he's possessive of me - he watches me very carefully to make sure he knows where I am and with whom etc. yet he is not affectionate with me at all. It's like he doesn't want to have me but he definitely doesn't want anyone else to have me either. "<br />
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Sorry, being possessive ╪ loves you. There is nothing in your post that would even hint that he loves you. You've shown that he wants to control you, and wants you around to keep up appearances. I really am sorry. <br />
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Please read lots more in this group - we understand where you're at. And post more, if it's helpful to you to do so.

I really appreciate everyones comments here. This posting is a first for me and it feels good to finally talk about my situation and get some honest feedback.<br />
I honestly don't feel that leaving is an option for me. I cannot abandon him when I know he needs me.<br />
I do however have my own needs that he is not going to fulfill and this is where I am torn. <br />
I've thought about having an affair but am scared of the consequences. I have a good friendship with my husband for the most part. We we hang out, go out and do all the things most couples do.<br />
Nobody would ever guess that our marriage is sexless. As I mentioned I did have an emotional affair with another married man, it helped fill the void and get me through some tough times. <br />
It's such an odd situation I am in because my husband loves me, he's possessive of me - he watches me very carefully to make sure he knows where I am and with whom etc. yet he is not affectionate with me at all. It's like he doesn't want to have me but he definitely doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I was ready to leave before his diagnosis of cancer but that changed everything. (I should add, as it was mentioned in one of the comments, that his cancer does not impact his ability to have sex). I couldn't leave him to go through that alone. He is in remission but won't be forever as his cancer is treatable but not curable. We raised kids together, spent most of our lives together. Now it's just him & ! sleeping in separate rooms looking to the rest of the world like any other couple. People who know us, or know me would be shocked that I am even contemplating an affair. I guess like most people here there just is no easy answer but at least there is a place to discuss and find support. I really am grateful for that.

Some very good comments here... please read the story that Bazzar recently posted... and listen to what VB is saying... he's been there and done that, which not many of us can say.<br />
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I am so sorry for your pain... your husband seems very selfish, with the "marking his territory" stuff when you are out, yet saying the sex is over for good. If you continue to read the stories here the pattern will begin to emerge for you, and you will see that his behaviour is very typical of refusers.

Comes a time when some hard questions have to be asked of ourselves.<br />
I can clearly see that your husband needs you. Understand that, the feeling of obligation, loyalty etc etc.<br />
"What do YOU need ?" or is your role in life to provide what other people need.<br />
I know in my situation I had very clear ideas of 'what I didn't want', but a level of clarity only emerged for me when I started to identify 'what I DID want"<br />
Good luck Cassie.

If your husband wants you he needs to make sure you are happy in this relationship. It seems like he wants to keep you around to take care of him but he doesn't want to give anything back. I can't see how you will ever be happy.<br />
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If he is doing OK now you should seriously consider leaving him. If he gets sick again you won't leave and you will end up spending a few years/decades stuck taking care of him. Get out while you can, this is not a real marriage.

Your patience and comittment to your husband is outstanding.<br />
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It sounds like you are staying in order to be there for your husband's future needs. You no doubt have alot of empathy.<br />
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But what about his lack of empathy for you?<br />
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What type of cancer did your husband have? Is it possible that this is what was effecting his libido, even before the actual diagnosis?<br />
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How about a therapist who can help you both deal with the very big stressors you have had, in the hopes of opening up communicaiton and possibly bringing back intimacy? Or do you feel too far emotionally gone?<br />
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Many of us on ILIASM have considered affairs - noone here will judge you for it. Continue to read and share here. The best advice I can give you is to be very, very honest with yourself about your needs and your feelings.