And Its Killing Me........

It’s been years, I can’t even keep track anymore.  I don’t know if I should laugh or cry over this story, but while we were in a therapy session about 6 months ago, I told the therapist we have not had sex in like 5 years, and he (my husband) defended himself, saying that wasn’t true, we had sex once about a year ago.  He actually thought that would qualify us as having an active sex life!  I rested my case right there and thanked him for helping me prove my point!

I am so miserable.  I can’t wait to break free.  But I am codependent, and have been seeing my own therapist for 3 years now, trying to build up the courage to do this.  Financially he (my husband) says we can’t divorce.  We have 2 kids to put through college.

 But I have to find the strength before my life is over.  My health is being destroyed from the stress of not getting my needs met for so long.  Not just sex, but no attention, no affection of any kind.  I am so lonely.  It’s killing me.   

livingjoyfully livingjoyfully
46-50, F
10 Responses Mar 1, 2010

Still going strong! Yes, good idea to be careful. And be honest and be clear on what you want. We are perfectly matched because we were knew exactly what each wanted and expected, our needs, etc. It has been a wonderful experience for me and keeps getting better each time we get together. We spend an average of one day per week together, and a few trips away so far.

Graigslist, huh? Well good for you. Be careful though...

I finally got up some courage and answered an ad on craigslist 2 weeks ago. We met for coffee, and talked for 2 1/2 hours. He is also married and in same situation. We had our first rendezvous last week at the beach, walking, talking, kissing all day long, and back to his place for food and sex. Tomorrow is our next rendezvous. I feel young again!

I think you need relief... both emotionally and physically. I hope you get some soon.<br />
<br />
james<br />

Wow, all this validation feels amazing and so empowering. Thank you all so much.<br />
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I have set a date for leaving, and I have been preparing, but I have fears I won’t be able to go through with it when the time comes. I am feeling stronger today.<br />
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My therapist doesn’t come right out and offer advice. She helps me see, and become aware of my own feelings and needs. She has helped build my self esteem, by helping me believe in myself and what I want and deserve. She has made me aware of my own issues from my past, so I can make changes in areas that I can control (where before I wasted many years trying to change my husband). I may still seem like a mess today, since I am still trapped, but I was really in bad shape 3 years ago, and have come much closer to where I want to be.<br />
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My H is very happy. He doesn’t need therapy (according to him). Of course he is in denial. He is actually very miserable, has many issues from childhood. He just can’t face them. He has had many addictions over the years. He is narcissistic, caring only for his own needs. He is verbally abusive and I have been living with crazy making for a long time. He could very well have a severe undiagnosed personality disorder (he is very capable of being charming and thoughtful, only in order to hoover me back into his life when needed). <br />
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What mysteriousman says makes sense to me. I have been practicing insight meditation for almost 3 years. What I want now is a healthy, mature relationship with someone who is capable of mutual acceptance, affection, attention, allowing and appreciation. I will probably never get married again, but will surely work on getting these needs met through close relationship. I understand how attachment to anything can cause suffering. Although I still get confused with my own feelings (my husband helps with that), I don’t give up working all this out.<br />
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I try not to take his rejection personally now, but I did for many years, for which I am still recovering from. I developed a chronic disease that I have been struggling to heal from for 3 years now. Its all very much stress related. My immune system is not functioning properly. While improvements have been made (3 years ago I was suffering in chronic pain, and chronic fatigue) I can control it today, but only by very restricted diet. I am currently being treated by a group of health professionals, and I have hope for complete healing in the near future. This is all part of my preparing to break away. My priority is to regain health, so I can take care of myself on my own.<br />
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My H started attending church about a year ago as well. What is up with that? I think he is confused about his identity, does not know who he is. I think he could be gay. He is getting older, nearing retirement (he is 14 years older then me). Is developing health problems.<br />
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We have separate bedrooms. As soon as my son moved out for college and a room became available we separated. I think I initially did it to punish him, but it turns out, he couldn’t be happier. I am the one suffering. I have been avoiding having to spend any time with him. We used to pretend to be normal, do things together, but I thought it best to stop, or I would never break away. So it has been real miserable for me now, without even the pretending. I try to keep busy with friends, hiking a lot, and I have met other men I am attracted to recently. I am not opposed to an affair. An honestly, I think my H would approve. Anything to keep me from divorcing him. This is his biggest fear. Fear of abandonment. Apparently, we both suffer from it.<br />
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Thanks for listening. I really feel this is going to help me with what I want to do.

Since some of you are talking stress and health… a little nugget to contemplate… and maybe not from a sexless marriage, but a stifling/controlling/unhealthy one: due to stress (and nothing else), my early 40's sister had a heart attack this last weekend. Cholesterol was very low. No blockage in any arteries. No birth defects. Maybe 20 lbs overweight - not even close to obese.<br />
<br />
Moral of the story: an abusive (not even physically abusive), controlling, unloving spouse CAN cause major health problems. I saw it happen. Her story is not unlike some of the ones I read here - it just has a different root cause - it has the same symptoms, the same types of reactions, the same storyline of unhappiness and no hope.<br />
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Be careful. Worry about yourself if you think you are spiraling downward with no hope. You will be stronger in every way to deal with outside problems and influences if you yourself are healthy.

I meant the comment from mysteriousman, not Ageing Thinker.

Oh my word - what a comforting comment! You have every right to expect more than you have. Things can change even if it means walking away. You don't have to sacrifice yourself.

Financially, I can't divorce either, so ... why, why, why aren't you in my city ?

hey dont get frustrated..i can sense it... i can understand this as i am in the same boat...although sex wise no fact i am reluctant coz i need to be in love to go in the bed......dont feel solution is ...dont be sensitive to ur needs..what i mean to say that needs are integral part of our lives but they are not most not attach urself to needs that much coz one need will fulfill what about the other...or rather decide what actually ur looking,sex, attention etc...if u need all of them u need to have another husband..<br />
And one more perspective to ur situtation is that with growing age u r feeling bad as u think u r loosing everything what u possesed 10 yrs back... Think that u dont possess anything. and u r moving to another age where wisdom and maturity is expected...<br />
May be i can be of some help...