Gearing Up For 5 Years Of Involuntary Celebacy :-(

Its been about a year since my last post and not much has changed.  Coming up on 5 full years of no sex, though with one exception on March 15, 2006, its really already been 7 years!  In reality, we've never exceeding the typical sexless marriage cutoff of 10x/year in, well, since we got married.  We havent had really good or regular sex since before Clinton!  At what point does one regain their viginity?

I've seen others post about AVEN (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network http://www.asexuality.org) and if you havent seen it, it is a fascinating site.  It provides no practical help for people like us, but it may provide an understanding of what is going on for some of our partners.  It somewhat applies to my wife.  The site basically defines a 3rd sexual orientation -- asexual.  We understand people who are heterosexual and homosexual, and being asexual is just another state of being.   It may help to explain why therapy for asexuality is so resistant to treatment.  It just is what the person is.  Homosexuality used to be labeled a disease, but of course, it is not.  There is no treatment to convert a homosexual into a heterosexual, and most people would agree that it is wrong to try.  The same is probably true of true asexuals.  They just dont need sex.  It feels wrong.  As strongly as we may feel sex is natural and an expression of intimacy, the asexual feels as strongly the other way.  And treatment fails so often because it is an internal state of being, not a hormonal thing, not a disease, and not simply related to stress or depression.  Yes, sometimes these things are the cause, but not for my wife, and not for a lack of looking!

Despite my understanding of the asexual way of life, I still feel duped -- kind of like people you know, or may have heard about whose spouses of many years turned out to be homosexual.  I am empathic to the societal pressures on a homosexual that force some to live a heterosexual lie, but that is no excuse for directly causing the pain suffered by the heterosexual partner.   Similarly, asexuals may feel uncomfortable in expressing their asexuality because of fear of similar ostracizing.  But how unfair it is to enter into a lifetime commitment with someone under false pretenses!

So we're coming up on 5 years of celebacy.  I was going to write a story on that day and whine about my predicament.  Instead, I am writing to the group in advance  and looking for ideas to help me cope and/or recognize the day (though I'll probably post a whiney story that day anyway!).  May as well send flowers, at least.  No divorce papers, not yet anyway.  Long story, with many issues, but when push comes to shove, I know I am scared.  My wife is ruthless and relentless when her set way of life is altered beyond her control.  I've seen her wrath on others and have felt it personally if I ever try to play the devils advocate  for a moment.  On the bright side, she can be a very supportive person when I face adversity (as long as she isnt going through something herself), but I would trade much of that kind of intermittent support for more enjoyment of each other on a day-to-day basis.

I know my story is not so different from many of you, but it still helps to know I am not alone out there.

ngl ngl
41-45, M
9 Responses Mar 1, 2010

Philjay, I have the same "weakness" as you in that I am here to help cope. I also have learned that getting angry doesnt help my situation. There is no "make-up" sex in my house and my getting angry just means I have to dig myself out an even deeper hole just to get back to "normal." <br />
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Perhaps I am more in common with UK folks then I realized. I am like the Pink Floyd line :<br />
"hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way"

Let me clarify. I mean saintly in the way he deals with this situation. My "weakness" if you like is not coping with it better, (thats why I am here) and I wish I could be more like him. I need to be more diginfied like ngl. Strength also comes in many forms and that includes sticking with something that is very very very difficult ("hard" maybe the wrong work to use in this forum? haha). <br />
I have learned it does nothing to endear a spouse to you if you are having a tantrum, shouting and pouting, acting like a toddler. Does it not give them the upper hand and give them all the excuses they need to treat you like a toddler and put you on the sexual "naughty stair" for even longer? To me he is saintly just because of the sheer amount of time he has dealt with this, and he alone must know his reasons for staying. Whilst all families have the odd "row, and as long as we are respectful, and friendly infront of each other then it is quite frankly none of our childrens business what goes on (or NOT!) in the bed room (nor will it ever be). What I am hopefully going to try and do is teach them about respecting others feelings and needs whilst being true to themselves in an unselfish way. This will give them the tools to hopefully cope with any life situation and believe me a sexless / near to sexless relationship is just one of a million ****** things that can happen? As to whether they chose to end up staying in a sexless relationship or not ? up to them (as long as there is no physical abuse) but I will support them as best I can ALWAYS. I also disagree that all women climax. I know if it is a certain time of the month (small time fr<x>ame mind!)because my wife is horny and will let me know. She just only wants to seem to climax once every 4-6 weeks where it used to be twice a week. I loved the post I read y'day where someone mentioned being "a-sexual". I strongly believe some women (for what ever reason/s) have no interest what-so-ever in having sexual intimacy even with themselves.

I have said time and again... it is all about us being in a sex drive mismatched marriage... so yes what you say falls within this quite nicely... I think my wife is like yours asexual... <br />
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And what can you do.. go find a woman who wants to be your sexual partner...

Thanks, people! I still dont know what I'm going to do with our (my) 5th anniversary. I'm not strong, I'm patient. I make a point of enjoying the journey, not just the finish. In retrospect, I sense I was hand picked by my wife for that quality which is now being used against me. Even now I cant say my journey sucks because there have been a number of bright spots in the big picture. However, in my marriage, we never seem to get anything above "pleasant."<br />
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I would be amazed if my wife were getting some on the side. I'd envision the stereotype where some days she'd just be in a better mood or changed in some other way. She is just so bitter so much of the time and antagonistic with people. After years of therapy, she can verbalize that she puts up this harsh facade to cover her more fundamental insecurity, but she has not been able to overcome that style despite having this insight. Intimacy requires true sharing which sometimes means a loss of control. My wife cannot handle that -- certainly not with me, and I'd have a hard time believing she could with someone else.

Are you "really" sure she is not having sex with another man or with another person?? <br />
Woman who do not want to change their lives for kids or whatever reason, cheat and keep it secret. I believe everyone likes needs sex unless you were abused then you may have a different perception. Believe me there is something she is doing to climax. Not trying to be mean or a downer <br />
Keep your eyes and ears open something is wrong and not normal do not put your head in the sand<br />
Yu would be amazed at what these woman that tell their husband they do not want sex what they do with their sex partner. Plus most Important What about your needs? She should care about you

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we consider it "saint-like" when we allow ourselves to suffer endlessly and snuff out our very basic human needs? I don't see anything here that suggests we are "strong" for snuffing out our needs. Should marriage be preserved at all costs? Should marriage be inflexible and conform to some societal standard (which, in the history of homosapiens, is relatively new)? If marriage is THE goal, regardless of how miserable that marriage makes us feel, then sticking it out until death do us part is indeed "strong" and "saintly". However, I think there are more important things in life than protecting the marriage vow.<br />
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I have children, and I started thinking about the message I am sending them. Do I want my daughters to do as I am doing? Would I want them to stay in a miserable relationship for decades just for the sake of financial security and to maintain a fake "happy home". Hell no - I would want my daughters to take care of themselves. I would want them to try hard to make it better, but if it doesn't get better, I would want them to do whatever it takes to take care of their needs. Life is too short.<br />
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We give our sexless mates all the power when we accept their refusal, but we still have power, we do have choices. We can say if not here, I'll get it elsewhere. We can also say goodbye. Making a hard choice would be a show of strength. Living in misery and snuffing out our own basic needs is neither brave nor strong. It isn't saintly. <br />
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Best of luck, all.

Your story is an inspiration. You are so strong. It has only been once in about 6 weeks for me and yet I feel like death inside. I cannot image how you cope but think you are a saint for doing so. We too have a 5 year one on aug 1st of when we got back together after a trial seperation. I darnt think about the future. <br />
Its the road to damascus moment we all need to so 'no more'. Good for you. Best of luck to you mate.

I understand, but now hope I gain the strentgh to move forward, my H is not a bully, but a kind sweet man, I hope he one day mets a kind sweet women, who does not care about sex. What a pair that would be.

Keep posting, keep talking, keep venting and you will work your way thru this with the h elp of some pretty special people here. Be good to yourself.