An Excerpt From A Story In Iliasm. And ( Survey)

The following is the excerpt from a story in ILIASM,,,,

 

"""" I used to ask all sorts of questions from my wife as to why she didn't want sex, why she didn't think about it, why she never initiated.  While everyone here knows the many (their own refuser's) responses to those questions, what is more telling is the expression on their faces, and the annoyance in their tone.  They bristle to repel the question, and to exact a price from you so that next time you will say inwardly it is too costly to ask that question again."""" 

 

I found that the response by the spouse in this story to be very similiar to the responses I get from my wife when I inquire about the sexlessness of our marriage, and i got curious as to how many others in ILIASM get the same type of response.

 

All weigh ins welcomed.

deleted deleted
26-30
15 Responses Mar 2, 2010

this is so true, my H tells me if i would stop "pestering" him all the time maybe he would want "it". He tells me i have a problem and am obsessed with sex, i almost believed him. That maybe i was he one with the problems.......thank goodness for ILIASM group! Its such a relief to know the problem does not lie with me and i am "normal" . I think they, the refusers cant admit they have a problem and so selfishly they push it off onto us. Our self esteem is already lowered due to constant refusal of intamacy so we believe the lies and take on the guilt!

My experience has been that both men and women tend to not communicate effectively regarding the real underlying issues which leads to a non-sexual relationship. Yes, it does take strength of character to admit that sometimes how we treat each other creates a major breakdown in the chemistry department. It does take work on both persons part constantly...I found that after being direct and to the point not having any results that if some negative behaviors which produced distance between partners were changed, I got some results....But WHY do people always have to play such childish games with each other? After all, when both parties are truly involved, we both gain immensely. If someone has shut you out consistantly, they might just not be your intended partner. It just isn't healthy to shut your mate down sexually. That isn't love. If counseling hasnt worked....how about a separation...maybe absence will make the heart (or whatever) grow fonder.

Windylindy - very well put.<br />
It's the magical 'nothing to see here behind this curtain, please look over there' when you point directly to the problem. Denial, denial, denial - then projection back on to you.<br />
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And if you read one of the posts earlier, they said happily married couples who had regular intimacy as part of a healthy marriage didn't think about it too much because it was just part of the well-balanced system - they actually said a survey said 20% of the time. The other part of the post said the same survey said people who were in a sexless or very low-sex marriage thought about it 50-70% of the time. This should tell you something and be a big eye-opener.<br />
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I mean, HELLO!?~! It isn't everything, but when missing it seems like it.

It's very difficult to ask/demand for such things...I believe either you are born with this feeling or not! If you are lucky you'll have a partner like this else there are 100 reasons to say no to it ;)

Backagain,<br />
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Bristling annoyance seems to be the universal response to the no sex question.<br />
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People who have a low libido must really think that sex is just the worst thing in the world. You would think that it wouln't hurt them to just give us a few minutes of passionate kissing, a hand job or oral sex but it seems that they would rather do anything than give us a bit of affection or sexual relief.<br />
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I have tried to understand this apparent revulsion of our partners to all things sexual or intimate and find it difficult to be able to equate it with anything similar. The only thing I have been able to liken it to is if we had to participate in a gay encounter. Although I admire and respect a great many men I would rather do anything than enter into a sexual clinch with one. <br />
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If, however, our partners really do not find it distasteful to give us some physical love or sexual relief then why on earth don't they at least try help us out ?

luckylegs - no it's not.<br />
Please read through the painful posts and most if not all of the people here are missing the intimacy and the closeness. Sex is not the end, but it is one of the main factors for the unhappy people here.<br />
Plus, it isn't as simple as you put it. Again, sit and read for a while.

luckylegs - no it's not.<br />
Please read through the painful posts and most if not all of the people here are missing the intimacy and the closeness. Sex is not the end, but it is one of the main factors for the unhappy people here.<br />
Plus, it isn't as simple as you put it. Again, sit and read for a while.

I just dont get it....If someone doesnt want sex with you just accept that A... THEY DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE.B..THEY DONT FANCY YOU OR FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE. FEELING OF LUST ONCE THEY HAVE GONE ,DO NOT RETURN.<br />
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AND ANYWAY SEX ISNT EVERYTHING IS IT?????

Vectorking23: I know I am likely one of the worst cases I have seen, I never wrote a letter because it would be too rambling and disjointed. I truthfully have never met another woman like my wife, I don't think another exists. She would refute everything I say and would make life even more miserable if I bothered to bring any of it up. Our kids (22yo and 24yo) both recognize and are both frustrated and amazed by how she is but I would never bring them in to it, it would not help anyway. When I think about it ....here I go on a rant again, time to give it a break

Sparky: I believe based on what I just read that you are one of the poster boys for this site.<br />
I can NOT believe you are still there. Affairs, 17 years, she's never wrong… OK not hijacking this story. Just amazed for a second.

I asked about it two years ago while out to dinner on Valentine's Day ( we have gone 17 years without sex). I knew it wasn't wise, but I figured what the heck, wow what a long ride home that was! <br />
I knew it wouldn't lead to a good outcome, and it didn't. As always is the case, the reasons were all me, I am ALWAYS in the wrong, about everything in the relationship (married 28 years and never been right once). She has some serious problems that have nothing to do with me, but she will never acknowledge it. <br />
When, in the distant past, we went to counseling it would end as soon as a counselor said it was not just me, obviously the counselor didn't know what they were talking about. That happened three times before we ended that charade. She did and does take pride in stating that she has never apologized to me, because she has never done anything wrong. Including her affairs, they were my fault because of the way I am. Personally, I used to believe that I was pretty good because I put up with all the negative and none of the positive, but after joining this site I see I am not alone and maybe not all that unusual. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. <br />
I seem to be getting off on a rant here, I'll let it go.....

It's all true in my case too. My wife REFUSES to accept any responsibility. She says she is NOT cold or icey. Funny thing is, I've never called her cold or icey - but that's what she's defending against. I'm saying consistently and clearly that I want and need physical contact. I've tried everything - she doesn't try anything and offers no helpful suggestions. It's always something or other that I'm not doing right.<br />
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We were sitting in the hot tub this weekend. We had a nice chat, and then I put my hand on her knee. She picked it up and moved it away. I asked if she would like a back rub or a shoulder rub, no & no. After we got out of the tub I asked her if she would like me to put lotion on her arms and legs (she always puts lotion on after getting out of the tub). Again, no. It hurts.

This is why in most circumstances here I see the control issue in high usage. It can never be them. How could you possibly think they are the problem? Or, even part of the problem?<br />
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Even if they 'decide' to work on it there is usually the 'If YOU do this, then maybe I would be/do/feel…'. Always asking or demanding we do something first without realizing that we have been trying and trying and trying all along. I think it kind of gives them that buffer so they declare, once again, that we didn't do whatever it is they asked right.<br />
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We are then back to square one. Asking and getting blamed.

At first my husband wouldn't look at me when we talked about it... and wouldn't really answer either... but eventually he became genuinely cruel in his responses... and the ex<x>pression on his face mirrored that.<br />
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A sadistic sort of joy that he could so easily hurt me...<br />
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It's over now, so I don't have to think about it or wonder about it anymore... your post just reminded me.

The answer for me would start something like this 'How do you expect me to be intimate when you…' fill in the blank. It gets turned on me no matter what. I can be more supportive. I can be more 'mental' to get her in the mood. I can do everything and anything around the house or with the kids…but I can't do them all at the same time. She picks the one I am currently not striving to perfect and 'bingo' there's your go-to throw back.