"the Death"

I have been hovering a little, but not sharing much. 

I got word today that some very dear friends of mine are splitting up.  They are not married and don’t have any children or pets, but they have been invested in their relationship for 12 years.  What does this have to do with the SLM site, or with me?

 I feel sad, I feel bad, but mostly I feel like screaming.  What is happing to us, all of us?  Are all relationships destined to fail?  And for those that last; are they real, loving and mutually beneficial?

 When I hear about people that I care for suffering from many of the same symptoms in my own failed marriage, I can’t help but look in the rear view mirror.  Today is a bad day, and I want to cry.  Cry for my friends, cry for all of you and cry for me and my STBX.

kungfuchic kungfuchic
46-50, F
13 Responses Mar 2, 2010

KFC, I am sorry that you are being affected by finding out about your friends failed relationship. Had written a lengthy comment but lost it so I will be briefer here. <br />
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As my love M wrote earlier, successful relationships are possible. We are proof of this and he stated the reasons this works for us quite well. The promise of love that he gives to me is everything I have ever wanted and he won my heart with his kindness and constant devotion for me. It works between us because we have never tried to control one another. We accept each other totally just as we are. Both of us have had our own walk through fire to be together and this walk has only made our love stronger. <br />
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Our three weeks together last fall was pure magic and the easiest time we have ever had with another human being. It was like walking through life in the dark and finally finding home. <br />
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Both of us truly know exactly who we are as human beings and we like the people we are. Because we have self respect, we can respect each other. The hard times we have faced strengthens our love. We took time to build a strong foundation together first. Became best friends first. We never take each other or our love for granted. We work out every problem life throws at us together. <br />
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Successful relationships means letting go of ones ego and looking out for the others well being first and foremost but an awareness that this is always returned. Sharing accomplishments and sharing pain. Laughing together and crying together. Opening up hearts and arms always. Playing together like children and sharing true intimacy as adults. <br />
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Successful relations take work but between us it never seems like work at all. It is sharing mutual wishes and goals. Loving him is the easiest thing I have ever done. I slowly opened up my heart to the best man I have ever known and I am blessed for this. <br />
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KFC, I hope reading this helps you regain faith in love. I did not think when I joined EP that I would find this special man here. When I least expected this to happen to me, it did. If it happened for me it can happen for you too. Please keep believing in love and happiness. That real lasting relationships can happen. That love can overcome any obstacle and beat the odds against it. <br />
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Heal your heart. You will always find others who are parting in this life. That is a sad fact of life but people move on for reasons sometimes unknown to us. You are worth loving. You are strong and capable. Believe in love for it is only when one stops believing that the heart closes off to another. Blessings,D.

VB, are you reading my mind today??

Hi KFC.<br />
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I've been quiet for a while on EP; lots of things happening in my life and needing my attention...<br />
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Well, I remember a while ago you giving me a kick in the pants to get my life in gear. I would like to repay your gift to me...<br />
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My life was crap. Absolutely on a dead-end journey to nowhere. All I had to look forward to was a life of less-than-mediocrity followed by a decline into warmly anticipated death. Looking forward to the next life. <br />
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Bloody hell! What's wrong with enjoying yourself in this life? Guess what? I found the person I should have been with thirty years ago here on this site. We are soul-mates; something I would have "poo-pooed" only a year ago. We met for three weeks last year, and had the best three weeks of our lives (by several orders of magnitude). We are meant to be together. So I am living my live as though that is what will happen. We WILL be together soon, forever.<br />
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Not all relationships are destined to fail, KFC. Now I see what love actually is, I know this for a truth. I spent thirty years in a relationship that was doomed from day one. Looking back, I can see the errors I made, and will NOT make the same mistakes again. <br />
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Communication.<br />
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Respect.<br />
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Self love.<br />
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My life, from some viewpoints, has fallen apart. My financial position is dire. My children won't speak to me. I found out from Facebook that I am going to be a grandfather. My STBX is going to screw me more than she ever did when we were together (for money). Yet I am more content than I have been for decades. <br />
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Because I have found someone who loves me. <br />
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"Loves me".<br />
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That seems almost like an alien phrase. KFC. But she does. More than I can express here. I had given up on love; on intimacy; on sex. Had resigned myself to a life of celibacy. I was destined for a comfortable death in the arms of someone who wanted me for my pension. Then I found D... who wants me for ME. Even though I can't promise her anything but love.<br />
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There are some things that are big, KFC. Some things that are HUGE! Then there is true love. Love that can stand some (pretty big) obstacles. I hope and pray that soon, you will find your soul-mate, KFC. Your partner; someone who wants you for who you are. I found my love, and she brought back to me my youthful exuberance; my hope for the future.<br />
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Are all relationships destined to fail?<br />
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I don't think so, KFC. Only the bad ones.<br />
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xxx

KFC - I'm glad you have this place too. It seems we all go through periods of feeling brave and powerful, and then fall into the afraid and powerless mode for a while. You can truly empathize with your friends because you have been there yourself.<br />
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@DC - Perhaps on the surface, the woman you speak of is cold and heartless. On the other hand, I feel we cannot judge others for what they do because we can never know the whole story. Maybe she was a member of ILIASM. You never know.

I have days when I still feel very raw, very broken and scared, truly scared. I am always glad I have a place to share those feelings.

KFC- I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling. Here on EP most of us are ending or struggling with failed relationships, so it highlights that so many are not working. But even here there are new beginnings, whether it is relationships or just friendships, life is a continuous cycle of renewal. I know the pain you are feeling, I am coming to the end of my marriage, and I keep telling myself but what if... I just have to face that the what ifs are past but that is just for the end of this marriage, we will both recover and find other sources of happiness in the future, I have to believe that for me too. There is hope and not every relationship is doomed. My parents are coming up on 50 years married, and they are both happy. I even asked them if they were.

As an old friend I am sad for both you and your friends as well. While sad it is but fact of life we are now seeing happening with a more frequent occurrence than I personally can ever recall. It has become a highly emotionally charged and cynical world out there , with mistrust of everything an every person becoming a credo of sorts. It is no wonder then that marriages are suffering as the result<br />
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I have great fears for the Innocent offspring spawned of these failed relationships. What shape will their futures take?

I have days like that too... on a pretty regular basis... Everyone around me is splitting up too, or else just embarking on new relationships.<br />
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I don't know what to say, except I am so very sorry for your pain today, and I know exactly where it's coming from... They say hope springs eternal in the human breast... and I guess that's what keeps us going... keeps us all trying.<br />
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People have lots of explanations for the endless cycle of pain that some people seem to find themselves ( me included ) in over and over... but the bottom line is, it hurts... I hurting for you girlfriend... and for all of us who suffer here.

KFC, in each of our lives the uncertainty is at times very hard to bear. . . When wee are "Up" it is easier to cope with the roller-coaster that is life in general. When we are "Down" we seek consistency and predictability to help us move forward. At these times the lack of certainty is very hard to cope with. . . <br />
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Also, when we see another suffering as we have suffered (as in: marriage is ending) then it re-ignites our own pain. It happens when we attend a funeral for example - it reminds us of our own losses.<br />
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So your reaction to your friend's news is very understandable. I wish I could reassure you that not all relationships are doomed to failure . . . At present Baz and I have great hopes for our's - but we are both realistic enough to know it does not come with any guarantees.<br />
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But I do know that, even if it fails, it will still be one of the most wonderful experiences of my life, and therefore something I would not have missed . . . .

Thanks guys as usual for all your love and hugs.

This is a very sad thing. I know how you are feeling. I wonder so much about the shape of things not only for myself but for others with this site included.

My sympathies, KFC. I know how you feel.<br />
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About 5 years into my marriage I was working with a lot of folks my age who were just getting the marriage bug. But there was one gal who'd been married for 10+ years, and I really respected her as a person for her career success, her marriage, and her level-headedness; she really had it all together. He'd supported her through degrees, kids, and her early career; now they would swap roles as he neared early retirement and became a stay-at-home dad (he was 15 years older); they really seemed to have a solid grip on life. Then, one day she pulled the plug; decided she wanted a more exciting life with the younger crowd, and she left her husband and daughters.<br />
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It made my physically sick to my stomach when I heard the news. To see her throw away a "model" life, to realize how utterly selfish and cold-hearted someone could be toward their spouse and children, was just unfathomable to me. It really shook my faith in the long-term prospects for my marriage and being able to blindly trust even my wife.

It is definitely a peculiar phenomenon to observe. A buddy of mine regularly describes his marriage as a decade of pure hell. He never has anything pleasant to say about his wife and she is always nagging him. I hear it when he talks on his cell phone. The relationship is horrible. Yet, they have a two year old kid and they are still hanging out together. So, in their minds, hell was not bad enough to share bringing a child into this world. <br />
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I have never said anything bad about my wife nor about my marriage in public. I wonder if I ever would. The closest I came to doing that was telling our family doctor that my anxiety level and depression has decreased since my wife showed a renewed interest in sex after a few years of none. He just nodded his head and said " Yup. I can see how that can make a difference. " I have only been seeing him for the past year. My wife was his patient since she was a teenager and he has been prescribing her anti-depressants for nearly a decade.