Getting Out Of The Marriage, But Extreamly Lonely

I joined EP about a 1 1/2 years ago. Have you heard the expression the more things change the more they stay the same. Well a lot has happened in my life the last year or so, I have told my wife (or as I like to call her my future ex-wife) that I wanted a divorce. Well our relationship has gone from bad to really bad. The decision to get a divorce is a mutual decision and we are both looking forward to getting it but there are several personal reasons we haven't gotten it yet, mainly financial.

I know just about everyone here ask the question "just what in the hell is wrong with me anyway, that no one seems to care". Even though I am getting the divorce, does it get any better than this, or am I destine to live a life of loneliness. I know I feel the most alone is when she is in the room with me, but now it seems like loneliness just drains me of all of my energy.

It was a beautiful day here and I was out working in my yard. Generally, I truly enjoy doing yard work and it shows, but I felt like I  was doing things because I had to not because I wanted to. The thing is, when I do things like yard work, I don't do it for the approval from other people (although I do like the complements when I get them), I like to look at my hard work and think to myself " Yes sir, I did that", but not today or for quite a while. I would stop and look at my progress and think "big deal, I really don't care one way or the other". Some people may think I am just feeling sorry for myself, but I really don't think that is what is going on and that is what is bothering me. My energy just isn't there, the passion for doing it just isn't there and the self-satisfaction I have always gotten from doing a job to the best of my ability just isn't there.

The more I have thought about it for the last week or so, and even more today, its not so much self-pitty as I think it is more loneliness. I need to find a way to pick myself up and get on with my life. I honestly think of myself as a positive person with a reasonably positive attitude and I hate all of the negative feelings I have. I keep thinking if I could just hold that special persons hand, or have a pleasant conversation as I (or we) cook supper together.

I really don't think the world is out to get me, I'm just not looking forward to going through life all alone, just as I have for over the last 20 years. I have found I can make my yard look excellent, I can cook a really good meal, I can do a lot of things. What I really want to do is find that special woman and have her feel the same way about me, that is just something I just can't seem to do.

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12 Responses Mar 4, 2010

Those are pretty strong words you are using for your wife.. or soon to be your ex.. I am so stunn, I don't know what to say.

Good advice Trudy. Nothing wrong with getting some help. I still hope they can make it work. I am all for making mends. Forgive, forget and move forward.. avoid conflicts and compromise. Be tolerant of each other. Wish him well too.

I think it sounds like you are depressed and depression can just suck you dry of energy and caring about things you normally care about. I think you should go see a doctor about an antidepressant. Life is tough and there is no shame in needing a little help now and then. If you can become less depressed, you might have the energy to weather the divorce and feel less lonely. Good Luck, and I wish you well.

Rusty, I just read your story and wish that you and your wife get your act together and stay together. As I was reading I couldn't believe.. a charming couple such as yourself going through this hell bent path that is going to lead into caos for both of you. If she has a man already on the side, I feel sorry for you if niether of you have a partner out of marriage I wish as hell that wisdome come to both of you and you two see the life beyond and get jolt to keep your marriage away from courtroom and lawyers. In divorces only winners are these attorneys. <br />
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Sorry for being so blunt.

this too will pass, get out there and do some light flirting. not to start another relationship, just to pick up your spirits and see smily faces...

Reflection, I liked your description. <br />
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I had a wee meltdown the other day in front of a friend and I said I remember when I was 17 and I lived on my own. I was afraid to get more stuff than I could carry in one of those grocery carts (the ones you used to buy to bring home your own groceries). Anyhow, I cried because I realized just how complicated it is to extract yourself from a marriage when you own all this stuff. Furniture, pets, dishes, pots & pans, a home, 2 cars, all these bills, bills, bills! <br />
I realized that right now I crave a lifestyle that isn't shackling me. A feeling of freedom to make instant decisions. For myself and not for someone else. It was cathartic to just blurt out those words while being held by my friend. Considering divorce accentuates the things we have come to own, and just thinking about the possible conflicts of who gets what feels like an enormous burden to some. <br />
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I guess in our society we are in a way shackled by what is expected of us. Just reading some of the stories here today I realize that the common thread is that so many feel like there is no way out, or that getting out will be more painful than what we are already dealing with. <br />
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Where's my magic wand when I need it?

When I look back at how I felt last year when I first found EP .. ILIASM ... I don't know that person that was me ... when I look at my drivers license ... from two years ago .. I remember that person was unhappy and unsure and afraid ... time has a way of healing .. as the other posters here have said.<br />
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Funny ... .while at therapy this afternoon ... I was asked what do I want ? Not what does he want ... what do I want ... My answer was ... "to be able to feel free to think and just be" .... things I cannot accomplish under the stress I am presently living.... After I have had that time and space, I know that I will begin to grow again .. being out from under the guise of a marriage into the reality of a new day.<br />
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Believe in yourself ... and you will arrive at that point when you will be open and ready for a life of happiness and mutual respect with another woman.<br />
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We are still on a journey .. it is a process .. no matter the time fr<x>ame .. we all have different pasts that formed our way of thinking.<br />
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Trust that you are waking up to a new you ... <br />
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All your feelings are ok. You are entitled to them. I completly understand not caring about gardening (I to am or was an active gardner). We take great pleasure and pride in it. When your relationship goes all to hell you start asking yourslef why you should care about anyting. All the things you did before was because you were happy in your relationship. I also understand not wanting to be alone.You need to start doing things for yourself. Start thining about what makes you happy. I don't think you face a live of being alone (alot of women are looking for a good gardner LOL).Be strong, it will get better and you will want to "garden" again.NightStorm

Yes, it is mourning - and you are probably also suffering from the depression. Please don't think you are condemned to feeling like this forever. I encourage you to discuss your current situation with your doctor. You may get some help from anti-depressant medication for a short time - to get you through the next few weeks / months. And please try and do something YOU enjoy every day - consider it your own prescription for your mental health . . . !!

better to be alone, than with a partner and lonely....lots of places to meet new, adult friend finder,, etc. etc.<br />
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Divorce is like a how much time would you allow yourself to grieve after a significant death? Give yourself and your heart some gentleness and time to heal.

You'll be alright.<br />
It is like a book - one chapter ends with 'I wonder what will happen next?'<br />
Another chapter starts with 'and now, for the rest of the story'.<br />
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You get to write it the way you want it. Don't let the pages sit there blank for too long.

The thing is when something so important and meaningful in our lives ends or dies, we mourn. The process is different for everyone and the length of time one takes is also different. I left my marriage 2 years ago (physically but no so much emotionally). My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride and it has not been easy. I used to be the most upbeat, positive person I knew. Something in me is dead and I don't know if it will ever come back to life.<br />
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I have some wonderful things and wonderful friends in my life, but I feel broken, more than I even admit to myself. I know someday that will change, but for right now it is what it is and I have to walk thru it.<br />
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You will find your way, but it may take some time. Allow yourself to mourn and feel the pain of your loss. It's huge. God bless.<br />
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