Does Anyone Living In A Sexless Marriage Not Feel Depressed?

Is there anyone who is living in a sexless marriage who does not feel depressed by their situation?

Happiness is doing the things we want to do when, where, how and as many times as we want to do them.  Happiness is doing the things that bring us the most joy, purpose and fulfillment from life.  It's the anticipation of the great time we are going to have in the future and also of living the enjoyment of the moment.

When we are stressed, hungry, thirsty, cold or in pain it is difficult to actually enjoy anything else because these feelings infiltrate and overpower our healthy positive thoughts.  In our sexless marriages our minds are overcome with depressed feelings of rejection, hurt, lack of love and unfulfilled dreams. These negative forces invade our conscious and subconscious minds and our problems seem unresolved and insurmountable.

We want our partners to enhance, enrich and envigourate our lives by their love, empathy, and friendship and to share our passions, hopes and aspirations.  

We are all so hungry and desperate to end this sexual and emotional wasteland.

Can there ever be anyone who is not depressed by this situation.

richardkiss richardkiss
56-60, M
27 Responses Mar 4, 2010

TantricTepee,<br />
<br />
My brother also lives in a sexless marriage and writes short stories on the net. His dream is to become a successful online writer but he has yet to translate his writing talents into a money earning machine. Many of his short stories are embroidered around unrequited love so I think that he finds it theraputical to have the opportunity to experience romantic moments in his imagination. I find that it is the same for me on EP. To connect with the caring and passionate ladies here at least goes some way to reconnect me with the ideas and shared intimacies of the fairer sex. <br />
<br />
You have inspired me to get my camera out and search for elements of visual beauty .

blackdress,<br />
<br />
Yours is such an interesting story of not desiring any intimacy from your husband for ten years but really feeling passionate for someone else. I wonder whether you would have reached this tacit agreement with your husband if he had been very needy and insisting on intimacy resulting in you continuing a sexual relationship with him right up until now. After many more years of sexual and emotional bonding it may have made it more difficult to differentiate the passion between your two loves.<br />
<br />
I can appreciate that if you have no desire for intimacy with your husband and he is happy with this situation then there is no conflict of agreement between you both giving rise to depression. I wonder whether your heart will ever tear you away from your husband into the arms of the lover that drives your passion.

boredteacher,<br />
<br />
I'm glad that you do not suffer from depression and that you truly appreciate everything that you do have. Your glass is so much more than half full which is wonderful. Your philosophy of achieving what you want and wanting what you achieve certainly seems to work for you. You seem to be able to focus on so many more things than sex to make you happy.<br />
<br />
Maybe a factor in whether we are able to achieve a happy compromise and sublimate our desires is dependent on the magnitude of our individual sexuality and how needy we are for intimacy to embroider the fabric of our lives.

Richard, I don't desire to be intimate with my husband any more. Truly I think that is part of why I am not experiencing the kind of pain that many here are suffering. If I were desiring my H, wanting to have sex with him and he was pushing me away, then I think I would feel differently. I am mainly sad about the situation, and I don't feel anger toward H. I've been complicit by allowing it to go on for so long, and I don't have the "blaming" attitude that many here have (and rightly so!) toward their spouses.

IamLadyA,<br />
<br />
You can't keep a good woman down but its great fun for us guys to try lol!<br />
<br />
Lady, if my hair was falling out I'd be tearing my hair out!<br />
<br />
Seriously I respect you so very much. Very few of us would have been so positive as you are being about this very stressful, worrying experience. I do hope your condition can soon be reversed.<br />
<br />
Take care,<br />
<br />
Richard.

IamLadyA,<br />
<br />
As Dolly Parton said <br />
<br />
If you want the rainbow you've got to put up with the rain.<br />
<br />
Your philosophy is to think of the good and not dwell on the bad, to expect the best outcome and not the worst. <br />
<br />
Your optimistic approach must make your life much happier within this mindset. Maybe we could all adopt this technique by tantric repititions of these ideas.

OctMoon9,<br />
<br />
I feel your sadness and thank you for being so candid. When you open up about your life it makes us want to be more transparent too and is cathartic. <br />
<br />
The thought of you crying to and from work kicks in my emotions and I can empathize with you so much. The longing, wanting, yearning, craving for the shared physical and emotional contact with a fellow human being can be so overpowering. Some of us live for human contact and feel that we die without it while some of us prefer to keep ourselves to ourselves. Although it brings us so much pain if we don't have physical contact I would not wish to ever give up my need for it. Neither party can understand the wishes of the other person because it is so ingrained in our personal psyche. It is all so very bizarre.<br />
<br />
You can feel free to express all of your emotions in this very special place amongst people who share your heartache.

blackdress,<br />
<br />
I'm glad you don't feel depressed and can see how your work and interests have kept you with your mind on other things than your sex drive. You see the reality of the positives in your life and marriage and are grateful and comfortable with them. You do not dwell on any negatives which is always good advice.

TantricTeepee,<br />
<br />
If you can displace depression by working then I hope that the extra time you spend working is making you a bit more money. Seriously I know you'd rather be gaining inspiration for your work by having an exciting sex life. I think that sex could be so inspirational to a photographer and poet.<br />
I'd love to see you put some of your pictures in your profile album.

sparkboy,<br />
<br />
Here's a challenge for all the youngsters making me jealous of their youth.<br />
<br />
I call it the Russian knee bend. You stand on one leg with the other leg stretching out in front of you. Then you lower yourself bending the leg you're standing on until you reach the ground. If you have got this far you're doing pretty well. Here's the really hard (impossible) bit. You raise yourself up on one leg with the other still straight in front of you. Do this three times on each leg. I think only about one percent of the population can do it.

maryryan,<br />
<br />
I'm glad you're not depressed because it certainly makes life more bearable. I find EP has helped me enormously. Although I cant see or touch the people I meet on EP I still get a warm sensation from being able to exchange ideas and experiences and often I sense that this is quite an intimate feeling.

thingV,<br />
<br />
Inspirational thoughts. I am very fond of the truth in most things but when it comes my marriage I have to force myself to realize what the truth is. The truth of my marriage is not what I want it to be so it is difficult to meditate on. I'm drawn to easier and more comfortable thoughts. It's more easy to see the truth externally than internally within our hearts and souls.

usedtolaugh,<br />
<br />
It's great that you are getting some outside offers. I don't know whether I would be able to refuse any offers should they occur. I think I'd flirt a little bit more to see how far it would go.<br />
After working all day thinking about sex it's always a thump in the stomach to come home and not even get a cuddle.

Lexi,<br />
<br />
I feel your pain. You will find lots of love and cyber cuddles here. It is natural only to concentrate on the parts of our lives which bring us unhappiness. They start off in a line of descending importance. Yes other people are being ill and suffering but we must still try to take care of our own happiness if we can.<br />
We all need a big group hug.

sparkboy,<br />
<br />
I'm too tight to get tight. Drinking just gets me nervous and makes me depressed (honestly). <br />
<br />
I like your idea about yoga. Believe it or not I can do the "****" pose. You balance on your hands with your elbows in your chest and lift up your head and legs. I suppose it looks like a **** but maybe it makes me look like a pr*** lol. Another good party trick is doing the lotus standing on your head. Keep it up, it can get addictive.

Strangely perhaps, I don't feel depressed. For the last 14 of my 15 sexless years, I was just living my life. I didn't cognitize my situation at all because I thought my libido was dead and my husband is a good guy with whom I've lead a "successful" life. When I awakened about 7 months ago, I was mainly shocked and scared. I had a couple of weeks where I felt down, but not really depressed.<br />
<br />
I've always had plenty of interests and activities of my own. I think I've accepted that this is the way it will always be in this marriage and it's up to me to decide to stay or go. No begging, no fake trying - I just can't see it at this point. Then again, so far I've always been able to deal with crisis. OTOH, I've never really had this one before with all of it's adjunct complications. I have no doubt my state of mind will be in flux for some time to come - I might end up retracting these statements.

I am not depressed. The drugs help. EP helps. Being sexy again to, with, and for others helps. In many ways, I am strong and empowered. The liberation has begun...

True, the evenings are the hardest. I hate going to sleep like that, it feels so sad and lonely. Like you guys I try to focus on other things. I often "scold" myself for being so sad when there are people really struggling out there and with way bigger problems in life (health, financial, death, etc). Other times I say to myself that my marriage is good enough ( he's a good dad, helps out, no cheating or abuse, etc..), although intimacy is missing. But it feels so lonely and I am starting to forget what it feels like to love and be loved. <br />
<br />
Anyway.... no matter how positive I try to stay, it's always there under the surface. The worst part is that I see no hope, no light at the end of this missery.

You're right ...I certainly spend too much time distracting.<br />
<br />
I have done my share of communicating the issues and trying to get answers...Just need a break from it all I guess.<br />
<br />
Glad you like the pictures ;)

bellas,<br />
<br />
We spend our lives distracting ourselves instead of demanding the essential intimacy we all crave.<br />
<br />
I love your erotic pictures, they certainly distracted me!

I distract myself most times..Night time is the real test for me...<br />
<br />
That's when reality sets in, and if I don't find something that I enjoy then it's quite depressing..

Hi Andrew,<br />
<br />
I thought that maybe most of us feel depressed by our situation. I'll certainly look up the All that Glitters post. I stay up late so that I can sleep. It's nearly 2 am here in England! <br />
Also I ensure that I allow my endorphins to pervade my dreams.

Hey Mary,<br />
<br />
Just keep on going to your gym and you might even meet your Jim!<br />
<br />
I know that the rejection is always there under the surface but but maybe there is a way of getting it outside of you and defeating it. I am working on a system of replacing negative thoughts such as rejection with positive ones such as self acceptance. I know it sounds rubbish but it seems to be working for me.

I've run away from my problems/depression issues. On a treadmil, with a dog, and stayed very busy cleaning a house, and raising kids. When I'm home for the summer (Iteach) I do drink more, because then I can actually fall asleep at night. I don't know how one couldn't be depressed, bitter, resentful, or smoke, drink, eat, sleep, etc. I've done all those and more. Have you read the post "All that Glitters" wonderful, eye opening read.

konaprincess,<br />
<br />
I understand and empathizewith you.<br />
<br />
You are finding other things to focus upon rather than your partner. As you say it's the ability to fill your life with hope and drive out hopelessness than can defeat depression.

thingV,<br />
<br />
Great to have you back. You and P are indispensable here. <br />
<br />
I'm actually a non smoking, teetotal, vegetarian so theres not much in my life left if I don't have sex!<br />
I can see what you are saying. When we are in control of our lives we suffer depression less because we can be the instigators of our own destiny. I've decided I must get out more and see what charms life holds for me.

I was living by the mantra of "but everything else is great", then drunk on and off for a year and a half; depression and feeling worthless for the last 5-6 years of this nonsense. I stopped drinking this away when I realized that I can't make him want me (I am sure the drinking didn't help that) but I can make my own choices for happiness, and those choices no longer include him.I feel like I am in a dark tunnel but now I can see some hope down the line.