... Too Much .... Too Little .... Too Late ....

When  I fool myself into believing I understand what another person is "thinking or feeling",  I am only fooling myself.

The last thing I ever want to cause is emotional pain to another person, including my husband.

Perhaps my judgment has been clouded from my very Roman Catholic upbringing .... Martyrs, I was told, are guaranteed a place in heaven. 

As Billy Joel sung in "ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG"".....you Catholic Girls Start Much Too Late .....  they never told you the price that you pay for things that you might have done ..."  

I am tolerant, I am forgiving, I am honest, I am sincere..... and  I am unhappy 

What I have failed to do is be true to myself.  Accepted the unacceptable, complained about my sexless marriage, suffered in silence and regretted the life I lost while being controlled and manipulated for years, by a man who had no self-esteem himself.   I allowed myself to be abused, with scars where they cannot show .. on my soul.  We started having confrontations.   I asked for a divorce and  moved out of the bedroom into the guest room.  Stopped "having sex" on his once every three month schedule.  He begged for marriage counseling to make sure we didn't leave any leaf unturned.  I searched for a counselor, and he rejected all possibilities due to distance and money.

Those who know me, my stories, my marriage, understand that I have journeyed a long way to be where I am today,

My mind was not my own ... I was his "puppet on a string" ... had my hair cut and colored, according to his likes and dislikes ...

 didn't' want to rock the boat ...  I believed I madeall the wrong choices, including how I dressed. I even allowed him to dictate what food I ate and how "our" money would be spent.

Within a year's time I made three trips to Arizona to visit my family and had a temporary leave of absence from my marriage.  These trips showed me that I was capable of being a fully functioning woman, able to make my own decisions; taking care of myself without being told "by him", what to do, when to do it and how to do it.   I "found myself" outside the walls of my marriage.

I returned from Arizona in mid February after 7 weeks.  Upon my return, my husband professed his love and desire for me, told me how much he missed me and that he didn't want to spend his life without me.  Said he changed .... and started to initiate sex, day and night ... took Cialis constantly and had a hard on ... with no desire or passion behind his erection.   Having a need that wasn't being met, I gave in and had "sex" ... with him ...  We haven't made love ... we had mechanical sex.

My eyes are hazel ... yesterday we were having lunch and he looked at me and said "wow your eyes are hazel" ... I told him they always have been hazel for 61 years.  I wear glasses when I drive ... he looked at me the next day and said "where did you get those glasses ... ?"  I told him I have had them since last year.  I doubt his sincerity when he tells me how sexy I am ... and how much he wants me .

Now he is constantly  kissing me and God forgive me ... I wipe off his kisses off when he isn't looking .  At night he touches me and I pretend I am asleep.  He pinches my .... *** .... touches my breasts ... and his touch is uncomfortable ... He tries to tongue kiss me and I clam my mouth shut ... this hasn't deterred him ... he chases me around the house and I tell him it's not funny ... and to stop ... I don't want to be touched like this.  He responded today "I am allowed"  ... "you are my wife" ...  He doesn't get it or he does get it ... I am either having my buttons pushed or too dumb to realize that he has contrived this whole scene to keep us from divorcing ...   With the help of the Almighty above and my therapist, I concentrate on maintaining control over my own happiness ... I don't want to make him unhappy but his happiness cannot be at my expense. 

Too Much ... Too Little .... Too Late.



reflections3 reflections3
61-65, F
12 Responses Mar 5, 2010

What a sad story --- <br />
<br />
I am now on my 3rd and very happy - sexful marriage. The first two broke up after my respective wifes and I fell out of love with each other --- On both occassions this was reconised by both parties and seperation and divorce was amicable..... I remain good friends with both of my ex wifes -- My to children from my 1st marriage (none from the 2nd or 3rd) remain very precious to me as do their children.<br />
<br />
So my advice to you is get out of that marriage ----- life DOES go on beyond a mistake however long you have allowed to to go on for.

No one should be put in the situation of needing to be satisfied sexually. Marriage should incorporate the bond between friendship and sexual gratification. Without both there will be no positive direction to head in. The spirit and soul of two people joining in the intimate act, is the only way to have a bonding relationship. <br />
<br />
One having control over the other can only lead to disaster. Both need to find the common understanding that we are both still individual people and still have their own life to live. <br />
<br />
I found this quote by Stacey Charter which I felt fit perfectly:<br />
“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:<br />
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.<br />
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”<br />
<br />
That pretty much sums it up.<br />
Rreflections3 you will find yourself and happiness, stay strong, keep your head up and move forward without looking back.

R3,<br />
I can very much relate to what is happening to you. Last year I went through a similiar thing. H and I had the talk, and for a few weeks after that, he was initiating sex. He also asked that I not do any housework at all, and when he saw me doing things, he took over. Well, I let things take their course, and the well ran dry pretty quickly. The sex lasted about 3 weeks. Him actually sleeping in the same bed with me lasted longer, but was sporatic. He has been sleeping in another room(again) for 6-7 months now. The cleaning that he did lasted a month or so. So now everything is back the way it was prior to the talk that we had. I assume that it didn't take long for him to feel comfortable again. <br />
<br />
I feel for you, I know the confusing pain this all causes. It truly is too much too little too late. I wonder now if when I do bring up the big "D", if he will try to turn me into the refuser in all of this. Not that I have had the opportunity to refuse, lol. But I remember once years and years ago, I asked him why he never approached me for sex, he said he was afraid he would be refused. I honestly can remember 1 time in all of our years together when I refused him. that was 20+ years ago, after having had an especially difficult day with a highly hyperactive child, who could literally run in circles or spin for hours at a time. <br />
<br />
My heart goes out to you dear.

Now HE can say:<br />
"She is simply NEVER satisfied! She told me she wanted sex - I had sex with her. And she didn't like it! Good Grief! There is no satisfying that woman!"<br />
<br />
And he will never understand why what he is doing is (a) unacceptable (b) controlling (c) too late (d) offensive after 41 years of NOTHING!!<br />
<br />
But he will feel vindicated in believing it is ALL YOUR FAULT that you are getting divorced, because HE has done "everything" . . . !!<br />
<br />
Oh dear, Reflections, I am so sorry that you have given this obtuse man so many years of your life. I recently re-read an old post of your's that said 41 years was enough - there would NOT be a 42nd year. I hope you are still on that timetable my dear friend. Enough is enough . . . .

You said it R3. Too little too late. Once the die is cast then there is no turning back. The heart cannot be won this way. He is looking out for him. If he had been sincere then he would have taken the initiative years ago when you asked him. Now reality is setting in and he is desperate. This is not love. It is still control. Hold fast and be strong for you. I am praying for you. Love, D.

It doesn't have to make sense... you have to remember that... <br />
<br />
It's not coming from sense, it's coming from desperation... a "when all else fails", last ditch, Hail Mary... the title of your story is absolutely correct... too much... too little... but, altogether, too late.<br />
<br />
...attempting to make sense when there is none, will just make you crazy.<br />
<br />
What really sucks, is how much it hurts when they pull this crap.

This group always puts my head back in the proper perspective ... only those who have lived this life, can understand and I appreciate everyones comments.<br />
<br />
It is extraordinary ... how does a refuser do a about face so drastically once the divorce word is spoken? This is what bothers me .. the fact that he wants sex ... now .... when I know from our history that sex is not important to him ... he has told me this many times over the years.<br />
<br />
It does not make sense

reflections3,<br />
<br />
It is extraordinary that after not wanting or needing sex for so long that your husband was actually able to do it such a lot when he thought that he was losing you. This really is a very good example of how our partners can at least have sex with us if they force themselves. I thought that this never happened especially when they tell us constantly that they just cannot do it.

Bless your heart, sometimes things are just not meant to be.

R3: My husband did some of this as well during my final days. It's sad. They don't get it.<br />
Sure I wanted him, all of him, not just a quick fk in the kitchen that felt more savage to me than loving.<br />
<br />
You have to do what is right for you. God I hate saying that to people, because I hate having it said to me.<br />
<br />
I still struggle with the wrong/right of leaving my marriage. I feel haunted at times, but I can't deny that I was unhappy, or lonely or sexless in my marriage. There is no easy path in all this.<br />
<br />
Sending you love and hugs,<br />

It never ceases to amaze me how we care so much for their happiness while they do not think of ours until they realize that we've had enough and are ready to leave. Don't fool yourself, as soon as he thinks he has you, he will revert to his old ways.<br />
Reflections, you have disconnected from him and you know that it would take much more than a bucket of cialis for you to reconnect. He truly doesn't get it.

Reflections, this all sounds like one last (?) attempt to keep you under his control. "I don't want to make him unhappy but his happiness cannot be at my expense." Right. When, if ever, did he care about YOU being unhappy?