So Ready To Leave...but I Feel Ashamed To

Wow I am so glad I found this site!!  There is alot of us out there, I don't know how some of you can do it (10+ years?!?!?)  Now I have been married for only 2 years, together for 5.  Let me tell you my wife was quite the sex kitten while we were dating.  But now I am lucky to get some once a month!!  I know some ppl out there would love to have it 12 times a year!  But i guess i can honestly say i am quite the sex addict!!!  I have never been unfaithful to her during our entire relationshit (as dane cook calls it.)  She has no problem getting me all aroused either.  She will walk around the house half naked, flaunting her chest or *** at me and then get all pissed when i try to touch her!  I cant get her aroused at all.   Foreplay... forget about it.  Being romantic (cooking an awesome dinner, candles, her fav music, drawn bath and all... nothing.  All i get is "I just don't want to have sex."  Now how does someone that busts my door down to F the living crap out of me stop all that passion??  I even caught her "flickin her bean" to some **** one day while i was resting on the couch!!!!  After I tried to initiate some foreplay that morning! 

I guess I think that I am trying to hard.  She says I'm too addicted to sex, but really i am addicted to sex with her!  I don't want to get just anybody!  I can do that very easy.  I have tried to lay on the flirting at work and out shopping with other women, just to see if i still got it.  And low and behold, i have to be the one turning down girls #'s!  So I mean if i want sex from anyone it out there just waiting for me. 

Now what makes me want to run for the hills is that she totally flirts around at her job!  Gives tons of other men (married and single) her #,  and they call or  txt her at all hours of the night!  And not to mention she WILL NOT do any chores around the house.  I am so PISSED because I LOVE HER for who she was...  and wish she would return to that women.  I feel ashamed to leave her for the fact that I don't take promises very lightly.  I promised to stay with her through thick and thin, until death.  And i promised that to God as well.  I feel silly to break that covenant because of the lack of sex, and the whole flirting what not.  But as i have heard, people will only do to you what you let them do. 

I am now to the point where i want to have a women that is honest and has the same passion i do.  And if she wont change herself then i have to change myself!!

Sorry for my spastic writing style, its just i have alot of feelings and no outlet for them...

JohnDoealone JohnDoealone
26-30, M
12 Responses Mar 5, 2010

I must comment on this, I can't believe this kind of crap is going on in relationships and if I hadn't experienced it myself I wouldn't have believed it. I was engage to a man I was in love with, I mean that real love where you can almost read that persons every thought when their not around. Sadly before we got engage which was quick about eight months the sex and the relationship in a whole was fading but the love was still strong. One of our problems was the sex and affection was dying, and all I kept thinking about was how in the world could I spend the rest of my life this way. Long story short the relationship completely died and yes it was so painful because no matter how much i disliked and honestly was beginning to hate this man I was still madly in love with him. We've been separated for over a year now, and I know it was meant to be this way. What I realized now is that neither one of us was really mature enough to handle the responsibility of a deep relationship nor a marriage. I have taken those pains and have decided to grow stronger than be weaker, and now I have joy in my heart knowing that when the right man comes alone I'll be more equipped to deal with whatever challenges come before us. He on the other hand couldn't wait and got married to a new girl eight months after we broke up. That in it self is another topic I will delve into some other time. You know I guess I want it all; spiritual connection, friend/buddy, supporter, provider, mentor, explosive sex life and so much more, but most of all he must be a GOD fearing man!!! But this is the catch, I want it all but I'm willing to give the same in return, someone who I could let in and love them the same would be one of my dreams come true. For me the breakup of the engagement was the best choice for me, but your married, so your going to have to pray first of and do what you know is the best decision for you. Regrets will be there no matter what you decide to do, not only that the dreadful what if, yeah you now him what if is the one that shows up in ever life altering decision. I had to be honest with myself and that's why it's so much easier to live with this decision, I was miserable with him, and true I was miserable without him at first, that's the key at first but not anymore. Pray, Trust in GOD, and I have a sneaking suspicion you have an answer but you just want confirmation from others, your the only one who can decide or confirm. Be Blessed And Fearless!!!!!!!!!!!!

JohnDoe, <br />
Your wife does not love you anymore and she does not deserve to be treated as a human. She is evil incarnate. Anybody who masturbates and refuses marital sex is possessed by an evil spirit. <br />
<br />
You sound like an honest man but your wife lied when she said her vows. I recommend that you go to a priest and tell him that your wife refuses to have sex with you. Ask him for a referral to an exorcist so that she may be cured. If that is not possible, you should run away from her.

Hope this might be helpful to you . . . Taken from: <br />
http://www.ehow.com/how_5559256_cope-narcissistic-spouse.html <br />
<br />
How to Cope With a Narcissistic Spouse<br />
<br />
Contributor<br />
By eHow Contributing Writer <br />
<br />
<br />
A narcissist is someone who loves himself so much that it can be classified as self-infatuation. He lacks empathy or caring for the feelings of others. In extreme cases this can turn into narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is a serious mental condition that needs treatment. If you are married to a narcissist, you know how frustrating this situation can be---but there are some ways to cope with this personality type.<br />
<br />
Difficulty: ChallengingInstructions<br />
<br />
Step 1 Identify the problem. A narcissist is preoccupied with herself. She will put her needs before that of her family and loved ones in just about every situation. She is arrogant and thinks that she is better than everyone around her, including her spouse.<br />
<br />
Step 2 Get in the right state of mind. Do not expect your spouse to instantly stop being narcissistic and exhibit empathy toward you and others. This requires counseling.<br />
<br />
Step 3 Understand that underneath that arrogance is a scared, troubled person. Recognize that the arrogant, superficial attitude is just a front for the person's deeper problems. Pity him, but do not confront him without the help of a professional counselor.<br />
<br />
Step 4 Avoid arguing with or playing into the delusions of the narcissist. Do not reinforce the person's narcissistic beliefs. Do not support his flawed perspective by agreeing with him, because it will only encourage and further the psychosis. Try to avoid arguments and maintain a private understanding of what's really going on.<br />
<br />
Step 5 Avoid falling into the trap of excessive admiration for the spouse. Narcissists feel as if they should be constantly showered with compliments and regard while putting others down.<br />
<br />
Step 6 Recognize when your spouse is trying to blame you for something that is not your fault---this is common with narcissists. Avoid internalizing and accepting the blame (this is called "introjection").<br />
<br />
Step 7 Get out of the situation if it becomes physically, mentally or emotionally abusive. Narcissists tend to default to this behavior as a way to wield unquestionable power over a spouse.<br />
<br />
Step 8 Seek counseling to help both you and your narcissistic spouse recognize the problems and take serious steps to fix the marriage. See a counselor who specializes in NPD.

There you go. Make the most out of the info you can get, but there is no cure, there is no hope she will change (IF she has NPD, we are both, I assume, not shrinks), and the only hope for you is to get oy of there while you can. I did, and heck it was a hard few months to start with. But it does get better, the self-confidence does come back to you, and you do start to see it (and her) for what it really was. We're all human, and we make mistakes. I wish you the best from my heart.

OMG dan!!! this is what i found on wiki ~<br />
"To the extent that people are pathologically narcissistic, they can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others' needs and of the effects of their behavior on others, and insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen.[11]<br />
<br />
People who are overly narcissistic commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when criticised. To protect themselves from these dangers, they often react with disdain, rage, and/or defiance to any slight criticism, real or imagined.[19] To avoid such situations, some narcissistic people withdraw socially and may feign modesty or humility. In the case of feeling the lack of admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation the person can also manifest wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply).<br />
<br />
Though individuals with NPD are often ambitious and capable, the inability to tolerate setbacks, disagreements or criticism, along with lack of empathy, make it difficult for such individuals to work cooperatively with others or to maintain long-term professional achievements.[20] With narcissistic personality disorder, the person's perceived fantastic grandiosity, often coupled with a hypomanic mood, is typically not commensurate with his or her real accomplishments.<br />
<br />
The exploitative, sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, disregard for others, and constant need for attention inherent in NPD adversely affect interpersonal relationships."<br />
This almost decribes her to the T!!!!!

Mate, I think you should google "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and maybe even "Psychopathy" and divulge the info you will find. Be sure to read a few different sources. She might (or might not) have a personality disorder. I have had one of these kind of girls, and it's hard to spot when you don't know what it is. Once I had the info, it was a lot easier for me to see through the "mask". I might be wrong, but give it a go and let us know what you think. All the best. Ah, and, please, get out of this relationship. She broke the vows in the first place is how I see it.

JD - Sorry to say, but she's addicted to the game. You're in the bag, and no longer interesting. It sounds like she's still too immature for a serious relationship.<br />
<br />
"If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck." She disrespects your marriage with her behavior, and if she's not cheating she will - she's encouraging a dangerous situation, and the outcome is inevitable. One day, she will be weak / vulnerable, discontent with you, and the opportunity she's fostered will be too convenient.<br />
<br />
DC

Vector- Oh let me tell you, my mind has been going crazy with all sorts of things she could be doing behind my back. That is really what is leading up to my depressed state. The whole sexless thing, thats one thing but finding all these random #'s on the phone bill (and 30+ min conversations) and knowing that if I confront her about it she will just explode! She put a hole in the wall a coulpe of months ago when we had our first bout' with all this. I don't want that. I am and always will be a very calm person. And she despise's that. <br />
Bella- No thank the good Lord we dont have any kids!! I see the way she treats our dogs...<br />
<br />
I really don't know why sometimes but holy crap, I LOVE HER. wow i just read that back to myself.....i need help yall. how can i just get out of this?

I think the real problem here shows up in the way she seriously disrespects her marriage vows by flirting with others - and who knows what else?! If your marriage was loving and respectful but not sufficiently passionate, you may have good reason to work very hard at it.<br />
<br />
But like others here, I think your wife is selfish, immature, not ready for a commitment to marriage - I suspect you are her "trophy" - as in:<br />
"See? A really nice guy wanted me enough to marry me!"<br />
<br />
This is great if it is accompanied by love, passion and a commitment to the relationship - but in your case it seems those essentials are missing. Vows ARE important - but you made your's in good faith believing that she meant her's also. It is clear she does NOT honour her vows. <br />
<br />
I too encourage you to GET OUT NOW! You are a young man and have your whole life ahead of you. Find a truly loving woman who adores you - and preferably one who can use a vacuum cleaner too from time to time!! LOL

Getting #'s from other men and getting calls and texts?<br />
Do you honestly think nothing else is going on? I would hesitate if you answer 'Yes. I am 100% sure.'<br />
Dude…you're toast. Stop following her around like a lost puppy.<br />
<br />
If she hasn't cheated on you, she is well on her way.<br />
<br />
I am with body building woman on this one.

I have been feeling a little down lately, so I apologize if this comes across as harsh. This woman is a ***** that doesn't love you.<br />
<br />
If she did love you, she would not treat you with such disrespect. The longer you allow this to go on, the worse you feel.<br />
<br />
I wish you happiness.

It is hard,when you made vows that you meant and want to keep...<br />
<br />
Are there any kids involved?<br />
<br />
Based on your story,I think you have reason to be upset...Seems like she enjoys teasing and maybe like it when you have to chase her..<br />
<br />
You would find lots of support here..Many wise comments will come..<br />
<br />
Hope you find what you seek..