Lonely In Love

I am a Guy whos been married to my woman for 15 years. she is not into sex at all anymore in fact the last time her and I shared sex was over 1 year ago. Althought I still love her and care for her I am at wits end and must find sex someway other than at home because she isnt willing. Does this make me a bad person? if i want and desire a sexual encounter and she isnt willing?

rumpledforeskin rumpledforeskin
41-45, M
13 Responses Mar 6, 2010

A women desires to be of primary importance to the man she loves. If you are willing to get sexual satisfaction from another woman or from only pleasuring yourself you will never heal your marriage. If you court her again, and treat her like you did when you were trying to win her, you will see a thaw unless she has already given up. An excellent book is "The Love Diary". If you have stopped doing what you did when she fell in love with you, its no wonder that she stopped feeling in love.

I too am in a very lonely, sexless marriage. Which I don't even understand! We own and operate 3 lucrative business', therefore, my man is gone from sun up past sun down, 7 days a week. It has nothing to do with looks - I am known as shot gun Barbie......hated the nickname in my 20's, like it now! LOL.....it has to do with priorirty's in most cases. Some cases its truely a hormone problem. If mine were due to hormones, I'd hog tie him and take him to the Doc myself. But its not, its b/c he is never here.<br />
If she is, I would reccomend simply sitting down and having her open up to you. Unless she is hurt by something, she will. And God Bless you if you are dealing with a hurt female.......<br />
You'll have to work on the hurts, get to the issues, before ya'll will be in need of any tissues. Well, it rhymed. Gross maybe, but it rhymed. And I bet if ya'll are open to working at it, the desire will come back to her. Woman tend to be very different than men when it comes to the initiation of sex, but believe me......we all want it just the same!!!! Good Luck!

For those of you who have found solice by having an affair, how did you go about finding that person? Did you use the Internet sites, if not how did you figure out your partner was in the same boat? I'd like some advice/examples of how to go about this. <br />
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Thanks

no, you are not a bad person, what's your phone number? JK.....the thing that frustrates me, is that this is a second marriage, I have never had to beg for sex, and before we married we discussed and agreed that sex was a big part of marriage.....so I feel lied to....so if he is 'just not that into me'....I almost wish he would just man up and cut me loose!

Maybe if you'd all shower more and stop getting drunk and weaving down the hallway with a bowl of mac & cheese, your wife would want you again. Think about what you are doing that is grossing the sex right out of your marriage.

No, I don't think that makes you a bad person..<br />
You are just finally being honest. <br />
It reminds me a lot of my own story ... me and my soulmate are both married and not to each other, unfortunately... and he's trapped in sexless marriage, but with four kids elas...<br />
I guess soulmates DO exist ... so there's probably hope for you out there... <br />
May be you could try fixing your situation at home first and if you've tried everything and nothing works, probably at that time you could move on tp the next step... <br />
TAke care and I wish you all the best.

Hmmm, Been there done that...<br />
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OK some thoughts here.<br />
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1. Counseling to determine what is missing (asside from sex). Why has the spark left. Is she not interested, are you not good enough, etc.<br />
2. Evaluate your finding. If you still want sex, and she does not, then you have to both come to terms about your future. Do you continue to live together and get your kicks elsewhere? Do you get a divorce? Sadly, this topic is all to common today.<br />
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Good Luck!

Oh my goodness! The wekend certainly brings out the trolls - both the well meaning ones (read a book) and the mean ones (you are a bad lover).<br />
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If you read widely on this forum you will find that this is a deeply entrenched difficult problem that does not just "go away" by adding a few candles to the bedroom or doing your share of housework . . .<br />
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And it is NOT your fault. It is about her issues, her choices, and her decision not to have sex with you.<br />
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Posters like Zorbas, Choccie, Nomo and ThingV are genuine members here and their advice is worth taking.

I went thru this for 2 years and it was my choice to finally walk out on a 20 year marriage, but my self esteem was very damaged because he made it my fault we didn't have sex. It was the best thing I ever did. My boys were 16 and 18 and it was time to go. Now I'm married to a great man and we are equal in that department. If anything eer happen to him I would never marry another one without finding out if we were equal. You handle this situation the best way for you cause velieve me she doesn't care or she would find a way to meet you at least helf way.

if you have been together for 15 years maybe think back to what it was like in the begining the fun , flirting and laughter before all the bills ect, what made you fall in love with her ? why not suprize her with some thing special some thing that will bring the intamacy back into your marraige, to a woman sex isnt just about getting a good **** . i read a book the kosher sutra - 8 secrets for reigniting desire and restoring passion for life by shmuley boteach. i found it not long after my husband and i separated i read it and it inspired to try and find "us again " i trully wanted to at that point. i gave him the book and he didnt care told me to stop asking about if he had read it and i think if he had of i woundnt be sitting here. i hope you and your wife can sort something out.

What an excellent plan - in the meantime, keep telling yourself you're only human and you have normal needs. My solution was to find someone in the same situation as me, and that's okay at the moment. As for the future - well, who knows? - but I know I feel a whole lot more human now. Good luck and remember, don't blame yourself!!

Come on! be honest you know perfectly well that you are not a bad person, merely a frustrated one. There are few options available to any and all in this forum. You can find solace and sexual intimacy in dalliances or in affairs as they are commonly called . You can, of course, accommodate and accept the circumstance for the remaining years of your life or you can divorce and seek a soul mate. Someone whom I strongly feels does not exist.<br />
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If are not inclined to look into any of this I am afraid you can only hope that a miracle will occur to change your wife's attitude. I wouldn't hold out for that unless you somehow can convince her of your needs.I have found this to be an impossibility for people seldom if ever change.<br />
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Welcome to the crew here and I hope that someone can direct you to a resolution. You have much company here if that is a consulation.

My friend I too am in the same boat. No, this doesn't make you a bad person. All it does is affirm your humanity. Keep up the good fight and please let us know if you find a solution. I wish I had some advise but as I said, I'm in the same situation.